Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law
by Black Dragon6
Summary: You've got to read it to believe it... Ranma works as a lawyer! Mega-crossover elements, but mostly non-stop comedy.
1. Case 1

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law  
a huge disaster  
by Black Dragon  
  
Standard disclaimer applies. I don't own anything. I am poor and homeless, and I write my stories on a hot-wired Internet Cafe computer. So don't sue me or anything. Oh, and I'll be using lots of characters that belong to other people. I got this idea from watching Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law on Cartoon Network and from some fellows at Delphi. So it's bound to suck. Oh well.  
  
Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law  
Case 1  
**********************************************************************************  
  
"So c'mon Pop? Which one is better?" Ranma held up two business suits in front of the large panda in his office, one gray and the other solid black.  
The panda sweatdropped, then held up a sign. [What do you mean? Just pick one!]  
Ranma stared at his father, annoyed. "I want your opinion, dope! Here, look. I think the black one makes me look more intimidating and gives me a psychological edge..." he held the black suit up in front of his body, which had been stripped down to the boxers. "But the gray one looks just a bit sharper, and really brings out the color of my eyes, don't you think?" he held the gray one up next.  
The panda just rolled its eyes. [Whatever. The gray one.]  
"But then again, the gray creates a contrast with my hair, so I'm thinking that maybe a straight black just might suit me better."  
The panda's eye twitched. [Fine! The black one then!]  
"But still, maybe greater contrast would look better? I mean, I'm no fashion guru..."  
A vein popped out on Genma's head, and he prepared to swing the sign at Ranma's preoccupied head, only to miss when the intercom buzzed and Ranma turned to press the button.  
"Yes?"  
*Airen, many girl here to see you!*  
Ranma blinked. "That's odd. Shampoo, do they have an appointment?"  
*No, they say very important though. And they wear too too short skirt.*  
Ranma considered it for a moment. "Are they hot?"  
*Since air conditioner broken, it seem so.*  
The pigtailed lawyer nodded. "Right. Send 'em in." Ranma took his finger off the intercom, then walked around behind his desk and sat down in the plush leather chair.  
After a few moments there was a knock at the door, and Genma opened it to admit Sailor Moon, Mercury, Mars, Venus, and Jupiter.  
  
"Ah! Good, good! Now what can I do for you ladies?" Ranma leaned forward, grinning.  
Sailor Moon opened her mouth to speak, then got a good look at Ranma and almost choked as she blushed. "Ah... why aren't you wearing any clothes?"  
Ranma blinked, then looked down at his bare chest. "Ah. Yes. A very good question." Then he picked the two suits off the ground and lifted them up. "Tell me, which one to you like better?"  
"The gray one!" Venus answered instantly.  
Ranma nodded, then ducked under his desk for a moment before coming up again, fully clothed, but with his jacket put on backward.  
"Uh... your shirt is backward..." Mercury pointed out slowly.  
Ranma nodded once again. "I'm aware of that. Saves me from putting on a tie." He leaned back in his chair, and set his feet on the table. "Now, what can I do ya for?"  
Sailor Moon stepped up. "It's terrible! We're being sued for assault and attempted murder! Us! The Sailor Senshi!"  
Ranma nodded slowly. "I see... did you do it?"  
"Of course we did it!" Mars shouted, "But we did it in the name of love and justice, so it's okay!"  
"Yeah... that might hurt our case JUST a tad," Ranma deadpanned.  
"Well, that's all there is to it," Sailor Moon said, "will you take our case?"  
"Just a moment." Ranma peered over her shoulder, and watched as Genma shook a magic 8-ball.  
Genma looked up and nodded.  
"Sure! This'll be a piece of cake!" Ranma laughed. "Now who's up for coffee?"  
"I am!" The Senshi all raised their hands at once.  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma hurried into the courthouse, dressed sharply in his gray suit and tie, followed by all the Inner Senshi.  
He immediately located his bench, where Genma was already sitting in human form, dressed in his normal off-white gi.  
The moment he sat down, Genma handed him a washcloth.  
"What-"  
"You've got lipstick marks on your face," Genma deadpanned, not taking his eyes off the judge's stand.  
Ranma blinked, then chuckled nervously as he wiped the red stains off as the Senshi took their seats next to him.  
"I don't suppose you actually worked on the case much..." Genma ventured.  
"Case? Oh! You mean this case!" Ranma looked around, then shrugged. "Eh. Wouldn't be the first time I've gone into court a bit ill-prepared."  
"Didn't you lose those cases?" Genma asked, finally looking at his son.  
"Shut up," Ranma grumbled. Then he looked around a bit more. "Prosecution's late..."  
"Actually, we're right on time." Ranma and the Senshi turned to see a large woman with several extra body parts that normally belonged on a scorpion, escorted by a normal-sized, shapely woman with long, dark green hair.  
Sailor Moon gasped. "Setsuna! You traitor! How could you do this?"  
"Quiet!" Setsuna hissed, "Look, I really need this commission! If I don't get cash NOW, they're going to foreclose on the time gates! Not to mention it's been two millennia since I last paid an electricity bill! I've got loans to pay off too!" Setsuna sat down on her bench in a huff, followed by the slightly confused youma.  
  
Zelgadis waited until the room had settled down before coughing to get everyone's attention and gesturing to the door.  
"Now residing, the dishonorable, unreasonable, and generally all-around unpleasant Judge Frieza!"  
The door burst open, and Frieza floated in on his hovering chair.  
"Ha ha ha ha ha! Pathetic fools! You are nothing to me! I will crush you all!" Frieza laughed maniacally, causing everyone in the room to sweatdrop.  
Still grinning like a madman, Frieze floated his hover chair over the judge's stand, then dropped it down, only to get stuck between the desk and the back wall, hung well above the floor of the stand.  
"Hrgh! What's wrong with this stupid thing?!" *Crunch* *Grind* *Crash* "It's stuck!"  
Zelgadis looked up at him and sighed. "That'll do."  
Frieza glared down at him. "But I can't reach the gavel!" Indeed, the small mallet was perched on the edge of the judge's desk, just out of Frieza's reach.  
"Just improvise," Zelgadis mumbled irritably.  
Frieza considered this for a moment, then nodded. "Order in the court!" He then fired a ki blast that streaked over Ranma's head, and vaporized an entire row of people in the stands.  
Ranma blinked, then leaned toward Moon. "He's a homicidal psycho. That means he won't care about right and wrong or the law. Looking good for us!" Ranma winked at the leader of the Senshi as she stared at him oddly.  
Frieza cleared his throat. "I don't give a saiyan's tail for any of you, and I don't care what this is all about. I could vaporize you all on a whim if I so pleased! Justice can go suck dirt for all I care!"  
He stopped ranting, and then sighed, "But I'm getting my ship reupholstered, so I have a few days to kill. Now get on with it!"  
Setsuna stood up. "Of course your honor. These girls, these... rampaging, mercenary vigilantes have been stalking our streets for too long! Night after night, they go out onto the streets with murderous intent! Seeking out poor, defenseless creatures, like my client, and then hunting them down with extreme prejudice!"  
Setsuna's eyes burned. "The streets must be made safe again! How much of this can we endure? When little girls are given such power, and then use it to kill! Oh, sure, they may say that the creatures they slay are evil, but is the crime of draining a little energy really worthy of immediate termination? And what about the obvious racial profiling involved in their operations? In all of their battles, there is a serious lack of investigation into the matter at hand. IN FACT, one might have reason to believe that they immediately blame the only non-humans for whatever is going wrong! In my review of the Senshi's activities, I have never once seen them ever investigate any of the unconscious bodies of the victims for a possible cause of-"  
Sailor Mars had been slowly turning more and more red ever since Setsuna started, and had finally reached her breaking point.  
"I OBJECT!!! YOU LITTLE-" Only to be yanked back down by Ranma, right before a huge yellow ki bolt sailed overhead and blasted into the rear wall of the courthouse.  
"You can't object. Let her finish." Ranma stated casually as the now pale and trembling Sailor Mars clutched him in shock.  
Setsuna smirked. "Thank you. Anyway, it is only fair that my client, one of the very few youma to escape certain death at the Senshi's hand, be awarded the sum of 10,000,000 yen and that the Senshi be detained for an undetermined period of time until I get the chance to pay all my bills and get back to Pluto safely where I can wait for them to forget about all this."  
Setsuna started to sit down, then stopped to consider something and rose again.  
"They're also planning to create a single world government. That is all." Setsuna sat down, then stuck her tongue out at the Inner Senshi, all of whom were glaring at her.  
Frieza yawned. "Yes, yes, that's nice. You, with the pigtail. Do want to say something?"  
Ranma nodded and stood up.  
"This case is an ongoing struggle. A struggle that is older than time itself. For you see, my clients have been given a power. A great power. And with it, they continue that struggle which has for so long existed, the struggle between right and wrong, good and evil, light and darkness. A struggle we all must face. And so, I say: begrudge them not their faults, and don't make them pay the scorpion lady all that money. For you see, with great power, comes great responsibility." Ranma bowed to the judge, then sat back on the bench next to the confused-looking Senshi.  
"What did all that mean?" Mercury asked, frowning.  
"I have no idea," Ranma whispered back, "but I think the dude with the horns found it a lot less boring than that other chick's statement."  
  
Setsuna stood up. "I'd like to call Sailor Moon, sailor-suited champion of love and justice, to the stand your honor."  
"No!" Frieza shouted, "You may not!"  
Setsuna blinked. "What? Why?" Then she ducked as another beam blasted through the courtroom, annihilating another row of spectators.  
"Because I will it so! Fool! You dare question me?" Frieza growled, letting his ridiculously over-powered aura flare around him.  
Setsuna bigsweated a bit. "Okaaaaaay... how about if I call my client to the stand?"  
Frieza snorted, and let his aura die. "Very well! Be on with it!"  
Setsuna nodded, and waited until the scorpion woman was seated and sworn in.  
"Now, Ms. Youma, can you tell me exactly what happened on the night of the attack?"  
The youma nodded. "Yes, you see, I was just wandering around, sucking life force from the pathetic humans so that I could commit acts of unspeakable destru..." she trailed off as she noticed Setsuna shaking her head slightly.  
"Er, I mean, I was collecting energy from willing donors, so that I could spend the day helping out charities and rescuing orphans from burning buildings, when all of a sudden these girls in little skirts come out of nowhere, threatening me! Naturally, I tried negotiation first, to try and defuse the situation, even offering to let them leave with their lives if they ran fast enough, but instead they attacked me! I tried to defend myself, but I was overwhelmed, and barely escaped with my life!"  
Setsuna nodded, looking sympathetic. "Can you point out the ones that attacked you?"  
The scorpion woman snarled, and she jabbed a pincer at the group of people sitting next to Ranma. "Yes! It was those six!" A wave of gasps sounded throughout the courtroom.  
Ranma blinked. "Six?" He looked over, then turned back to the stand, "You mean my pop, too?"  
The youma blinked. "Er... yeah! The fat guy was there too!" Another round of gasps echoed throughout the courtroom.  
*BLAAAAM!!!* "Order in the court!" Frieza snarled, blowing another hole in the back wall of the room.  
Setsuna looked up at him calmly. "No further questions, your honor."  
Ranma stood up as Setsuna took her seat. "Your honor, if I may examine the witness?"  
Frieza waved him on. "Yes, go ahead. But make it quick, I've got an appointment for a manicure in ten minutes."  
Ranma nodded and walked up to the scorpion lady, who smiled at him.  
"Now... Ms. Youma..." Ranma began, then noticed the woman's tail swaying back and forth.  
"Er... something wrong?" Ranma asked.  
The youma's mandibles clicked together rapidly, and she reached out with a claw that gently grazed Ranma's cheek. "You're cute."  
".........................." Ranma stood shock-still for a few moments, before turning a somewhat pale green and walking back to his bench stiffly. "No further questions, your honor."  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma took his regular seat at the bar and gestured to the bartender, the movement automatic and almost mechanical.  
Terry Bogard nodded back to Ranma, and slid a beer across the length of the bar to him.  
Ranma looked to the side, and raised his glass to Ryoga, who was laying his head on the table and generally looking rather wasted.  
"Hey man! How've you been?" Ranma asked cheerfully before slugging down his mug.  
"Miserable," Ryoga responded in a dull monotone.  
Ranma nodded conversationally. "Uh huh. Say, something happen to you? You've been here every day for the last week! Did your girlfriend leave you? Or did you get fired? You know, I know this GREAT therapist who could help you out if you ever need to talk to someone." Ranma smiled at the weary man. "Well, whaddya say? I have her number right here, and she's REALLY good! Eh? Eh? Wink wink, nudge nudge!" he chuckled and slapped his friend on the back. "She'll get you out of your funk real quick! Ha!"  
Ryoga slowly turned his head to glare at Ranma. "I can't find the exit."  
Ranma blinked. "Oh... never mind then." He finished off his beer, then sighed in self-satisfaction.  
Terry walked up to him from behind the bar, dry-washing a glass, as all bartenders are required to do when not dispensing drinks, no matter how clean the glass already is. "I was talking to Zel earlier today. Sounds like a tough case. Think you're going to win?"  
Ranma shrugged. "Eh, it could go either way. The judge is a bit whimsical, if you know what I mean."  
Terry nodded, then smiled slightly. "Nice girls you working for too."  
"I am NOT sleeping with all of my present clients!" Ranma thrust out automatically.  
Terry blinked. "I... I didn't say anything about..." then he stopped drying the glass and set it on the counter. "ALL your clients?"  
"........................ Okay, fine, so maybe I am." Ranma snatched another drink from the counter and downed it quickly.  
  
Right at that moment, a tall man in a white spandex suit with a black mask and red cape stumbled in.  
"Hey Harvey? Harvey?! Where are you buddy?"  
Terry slapped his forehead and groaned. "For the LAST time Tad, this is the WRONG BAR! Three blocks down, take a right, and it's the first building that hasn't been burned to the ground by the last Zentradei assault. ALL RIGHT?!"  
Space Ghost chuckled nervously, and rushed out without response.  
"Damn Americans..." Ryoga mumbled into the hardwood surface of the bar.  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Frieza growled and looked at his watch. "Can we find some way to wrap this up?! Tee time is in half an hour! I'm not immortal yet, you know!"  
Setsuna gave the judge an annoyed glance, but kept the irritation from her voice. "Now tell me Ms. Moon. Do you, in fact, have the intention of taking over the world?"  
Sailor Moon blinked. "Well, no, not really. Not 'take it over' anyway. You see, once the-"  
"Answer the question! Rule the world! Yes or no?!" Setsuna shouted.  
"Y-Yes!" Moon squeaked.  
"Objection!" Ranma called out, having had enough. "The defendant's future goals are not in question here, and have no relevance to this case!"  
Frieza flipped a coin in the air, and caught in on the way down before glancing at it. "Overruled."  
Ranma cursed.  
Setsuna smiled, then turned to face the spectators. "You see, I'm doing this to put things in perspective. The Senshi accuse the youma of being evil, when it is in fact they who plot world domination!" Setsuna turned back to face Sailor Moon. "So, what sets you apart from the creatures you fight, hmmm?"  
"We're not evil!" Moon shouted desperately, "We want to create a peaceful society where everyone is good!"  
Setsuna shook her head. "And now talk of brainwashing! What if someone doesn't WANT to be good?"  
Moon stared. "Then... they're evil!"  
"And does that mean they should die?" Setsuna raised her eyebrow.  
Sailor Moon began to sweat as the tension built. "...... Yes?"  
Setsuna grinned slightly. "Oh? Our very own judge Frieza has a rather... unhealthy reputation. Do you think he's evil?"  
"YES!!!" Sailor Moon shouted, and then winced as she realized how the judge might take it. Luckily for her, Frieza was quite preoccupied with his Game Boy.  
Setsuna shook her head sadly. "And what of my client? Why did you attack her?"  
"She's evil!"  
"'Evil'? And what makes her evil? Is she evil because she's a youma?"  
"Well, yes, but-"  
"And there you have it!" Setsuna shouted out to the courtroom. "More racist profiling, and vigilante actions on the sole basis of racist stereotypes! Surely it's a sad day when someone thinks she can justify capital punishment with such a flimsy basis!"  
"Well, this isn't exactly going well," Ranma muttered, fondling Sailor Venus as she sat in his lap.  
Setsuna turned toward Frieza. "Your honor, I think it's clear what must be done. These out-of-control vigilante monsters must be made to pay a substantial amount of money to my client! For the safety of everyone! Today it's youma, but what's next? Unruly teenagers? People who don't turn off their cell phones in movie theatres? Ugly people?" Setsuna let out a heartfelt sigh. "We must stop this madness before it goes any further." She then turned toward Frieza, and then twitched slightly as she realized he was still playing Game Boy. "Your Honor, that will be my closing statement. I have nothing more to say."  
Frieza looked up for a moment. "You, with the pigtail. You want to say something?" *Beep* Beep* *Ding* *Beep*  
Ranma glanced around, then gently moved a pouting Sailor Venus off of him before standing up. "On a hunch that you really don't care at all, and in the interest of saving time, I will forego my closing statement."  
Frieza nodded, then turned off his Game Boy right as Hikaru Gosunkugi walked up to the Judge's podium and lifted up a cup of coffee for him to take.  
"Your coffee, sir." The wiry boy said.  
Frieza nodded, then took a sip before promptly spitting it out. "You fool!! I said I wanted DECAF!!! DIE!!!" *BLAMMO!!!* Gosunkugi was instantly disintegrated before the onslaught of energy, that added yet another hole to the number already dotting the courthouse.  
Ranma stood up in shock. "Oh my God! You killed Hikaru!"  
"................................." Everybody stared at him, until Genma yanked him down.  
"Give it a rest boy, nobody cares."  
Frieza snorted. "I care not for your pitiful testimony, cretins! We will determine the winner of this case in the manner of disputes on my home planet! The lawyers will both duel to the death!" Frieza grinned maniacally as approving sounds emanated from all corners of the courthouse, and then took another sip of coffee. He frowned. "Oh. Wait. This is decaf."  
Ranma blinked. "Duel to the death? Look... uh, normally I'd be all for ending a case with a fight, but you see, I've got this thing about fighting girls and-"  
"Dead scream."  
Ranma dodged to the side, and all of the Senshi and Genma barely had time to scramble off the bench before it was devastated by a purple globe of energy.  
"But then again, when you put it that way..." Ranma grinned and got into a fighting stance.  
The now-transformed Setsuna chuckled. "It's useless to fight. I knew from the beginning that I would win this case."  
Ranma raised an eyebrow. "Oh? How?"  
She snorted. "Idiot. I control the time gates. Or at least I did, if US Bank has repossessed them already. I could see the outcome of this hearing from the beginning."  
Ranma smirked. "Time gates? Not bad, not bad. But that doesn't mean squat." Ranma's hand blurred, and a black object flew out in Sailor Pluto's direction.  
She tried to block, but then realized it wasn't actually aimed at her.  
*Crack!* There was a loud noise above her, and a fairly large black ball fell to the ground in front of her before rolling up to her feet.  
Ranma laughed. "Everyone knows that the magic 8-ball is the most powerful oracle on the planet!"  
Pluto simply stared at the thing, as its small window cleared itself of bubbles and blue fluids.  
[Your future is fuzzy. You might want to look up.]  
She did.  
*CRASH!!!* Everyone in the courthouse winced as the support beam hit the floor, incidentally crushing the ancient lawyer.  
  
Frieza nodded. "The male human wins." Blasting the scorpion woman into dust to head off any protests, he turned to Zelgadis. "Bailiff, get my clubs, would you?"  
"Yes, sir..." Zelgadis sighed, preparing himself for another evening of being a caddy.  
  
Ranma stepped onto the fallen rubble of the courthouse and struck a pose. "Once again, I have vanquished my enemies and earned myself a large sum of money at the expense of others! Victory!!"  
Sailor Venus stared up at him from the base of the debris, little hearts in her eyes. "Wow! You're so cool!"  
Ranma chuckled. "'Aint it the truth." Then he swooped down, and pulled her into a deep, passionate kiss, which she returned hungrily. Eventually they broke it, and Ranma scooped the princess of Venus into his arms and rushed out of the courtroom.  
From their positions behind various pieces of cover, the other Senshi watched enviously as their attorney left.  
*Splash* At least, they did until their attention was distracted by a giant panda appearing out of nowhere.  
[To be continued?] "Growf!"  
  
**********************************************************************************  
Case 1 [Closed] 


	2. Case 2

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law  
the continuation of a huge disaster  
by Black Dragon  
  
Standard disclaimer applies. Despite all my nefarious efforts, I have failed to steal the exclusive rights to the characters I am using, so they don't belong to me.  
  
Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law  
Case 2  
**********************************************************************************  
  
"Huh. They did a survey here of men who are frequently beaten or blasted by their suitors, and found that of those men, 65% end up seeking the company of several other women as a result, and 35% become bitter, abusive people themselves." Ranma looked up from the magazine he was reading in thought. "I wonder what category I fit into."  
"A little bit of both, I suspect." Inu-Yasha answered as he lined up his putt on the small green strip that served as a mini golf course in Ranma's office. "You did join a law firm."  
Ranma thought about that for a moment. "Point." Then he returned to his magazine.  
Inu-Yasha lightly tapped the small orange golf ball with his putter, and it rolled across the green. The panda at the end opened its mouth just as the ball reached it, and the plastic sphere rolled inside.  
The mouth closed, and the sleeping mass of black and white fur grimaced before spitting out the ball, all without waking. The golf ball found its way onto a second green strip, where it rolled up a shallow ramp and fell into a little hole.  
"YES!!! I did it!! Hole in one!! HAIL TO THE KING, BABY!!!" Inu-Yasha began dancing about the office, twirling the golf club like a baton.  
"Fabulous," Ranma deadpanned.  
The half-youkai continued dancing for a while, before sighing in inexplicable contentment and retrieving his ball from the hole. "So, you and that blonde chick still screwing each other?"  
Ranma rolled his eyes at his co-worker's usual crude bluntness. "No. It was going alright for a while, but then she found out that I've been having a continuous affair with my secretary for the last two years."  
Inu-Yasha grinned. "Ah. And that was that, eh?"  
"Not really. Minako was mad, but she still wanted to talk things out and make it work."  
Inu-Yasha blinked.  
"Then I pushed my luck, and spoke a rather poorly planned sentence that included the word 'threesome'. I was THIS close to losing Little Ranma to a chain made of hearts." Ranma held his thumb and index finger close to each other to emphasize his point.  
Inu-Yasha stared for a moment, then burst out laughing.  
Suddenly, the intercom activated.  
*Airen, Mr. Ikari here to see you.*  
Ranma blinked, then put down his magazine and stood up. "Ah. Good. Send him in, then."  
The door opened to admit a rather scrawny-looking fourteen-year-old. Shinji entered the office, looking around cautiously before somewhat nervously settling his gaze on the half-canine looking terribly out of place in its neat black business suit.  
"Ah! Shinji Ikari! How can I help you?"  
Shinji gulped, and started edging away as Inu-Yasha just smirked at him. "I... I, uh... d-do you think we could talk... you know, privately? Please?"  
Ranma nodded in understanding. "Right, right. Guys, if you would?"  
Inu-Yasha snorted slightly, but started toward the door, stopping to grab the sleeping Genma and drag him behind.  
The door closed, and Shinji continued looking around the room like something was going to jump out at him.  
"Something wrong, kid?" Ranma cocked his head to one side.  
"Uhm..." Shinji hesitated for a moment, "is it possible that this room is bugged?"  
Ranma blinked. "It wasn't the last time I checked."  
"Wh-When was that?"  
"Five minutes ago," Ranma answered honestly. "Damn phone taps were a pain to get out, too."  
Shinji nodded, and suddenly his whole demeanor changed. "Good. Just needed to make sure, you know?" He smirked slightly, and walked behind Ranma's desk to take a seat in the big leather chair that rested there.  
Ranma blinked, finding the sudden change from cowardly to kingly rather disconcerting.  
Shinji took out a cigar from his pants pocket, and bit off the end and spit it onto the floor. "Gotta light?"  
"I, uh, I don't smoke." Ranma answered.  
Shinji leveled a flat stare at him. "Perhaps you didn't hear me. I didn't ask if you smoked or not. To be perfectly freakin' honest, I don't care. I asked you to light the damn cigar."  
The voice was hard as steel, and Ranma stared at the boy oddly before charging his ki into his finger and holding it under the end of the cigar, which lit in moments.  
Shinji took a few puffs, then sighed in contentment and leaned back in Ranma's chair. "Okay pal, here's the deal. You see, I'm just a small-time Eva pilot, which doesn't pay that well. So, I opened up a few business deals on the side to pay the bills, you know? Unfortunately, certain people, who will remain as anonymous as their graves, screwed up. Now I'm in some heat. They're accusing me of heading the local Yakuza."  
Ranma blinked once more. They thought this kid was head of the Japanese Mafia?  
"Well... are you?" He ventured.  
Shinji stared at him for a moment, and then leaned forward, jabbing his cigar in Ranma's direction. "That's none of your concern. What IS your concern is making the judge decide that I'm not. Capeesh?"  
Ranma nodded. "Yessir. Right. So, what are we looking at here?"  
Shinji leaned back again. "They've got some photos as evidence. They had quite a number of witnesses, but I think I got most of them."  
Ranma blinked yet again. "Got most of them?"  
Shinji smiled slightly. "Hey pal, relax! Don't worry about it! It's just less work for you, eh?"  
"Er... right."  
Shinji's mirthful expression died, and he leaned forward somberly, resting his elbows on Ranma's desk. "Look kid, I ask that you do this, not only for your usual fee, but as a personal favor to me. Meaning, that if you manage to get me out of this, You will be handsomely rewarded. It also means that if you screw up, you're..." Shinji stopped, and drew a finger across his neck.  
Ranma nodded slowly. "Uh huh... understood."  
Shinji smiled, then put out his cigar on the armrest of the seat before getting up and walking out the door, nearly stumbling into Inu-Yasha in the process.  
"Sorry! Sorry! No no, it's my fault! Here, let me get that!" Laughing nervously, Shinji dusted off the half-youkai's suit before hastily scurrying away.  
Inu-Yasha entered the office, grinning as he shook his head. "What a wuss. What'd he want?"  
Ranma shrugged. "Apparently, he's accused of being the head of Yakuza."  
Inu-Yasha spit out his coffee in a hot, brown blast. Which Ranma found remarkable, as he wasn't drinking any.  
"That spineless kid's a Yakuza?!"  
"HEAD of the Yakuza," Ranma corrected. "In any case, I've got my work cut out for me. Should I win this case for him and take the rewards offered to a friend of a crime lord, or should I purposefully lose and risk my money and life in order to ensure that justice is served?"  
Inu-Yasha stared for a moment. "You are, of course, kidding about that second one, right?"  
"Of course," Ranma agreed. "To the court!"  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma walked into the courtroom, followed by Shinji, who looked to be rather nervous and frightened by the whole turn of events.  
Taking his seat at the usual bench, Ranma looked around only to stare wide-eyed as his eyes found the prosecuting attorney.  
"Well, well, well. If it isn't my old 'friend' who I've never met before. Hello Mendo." Ranma spat out.  
Shutaro Mendo smirked at him. "Ah, Saotome. So we meet again, for the first time. I'm surprised to find you defending this scum." Mendo gestured with his hand at Shinji, who flinched back and waved nervously.  
Ranma snorted. "I'll have you know my law firm gives me ALL the cases where there's a chance of being killed by a client." Ranma announced proudly.  
"Riiiiight," Mendo drawled.  
Genma moved onto the bench on the other side of Shinji, and the courtroom began to quiet down.  
"Hear ye all with business before this court," Zelgadis started, "the righteous and just, but quite frankly, none too bright Judge Gabriev presiding."  
*Thud!* The back door shuddered for a moment, and Zelgadis sighed.  
"Open the door, THEN walk in!" He shouted.  
The door opened, and Gourry Gabriev walked in, rubbing the back of his head nervously.  
"Sorry about that. Am I late?"  
"No, no, you're right on time. Go sit down." Zelgadis rolled his eyes, then started when he saw Gourry heading for the benches. "No! Up there!" He pointed at the judge's stand, and the judge laughed in embarrassment as he walked back to the stand and sat down.  
"Well... okay, here I am. Let's go." Gourry looked around, then pointed to Mendo. "You wanna go first?"  
Mendo nodded, and stood up.  
  
"Your honor, I have with me undisputable proof that the young man that you see before you," he stopped, pointing at Ranma's bench, "is in fact the head of the vile Yakuza that infests Tokyo 3. And now I-"  
"Wait, hold it," Gourry interrupted, "which one? The guy with the pigtail?"  
Mendo blinked. "No, the short, skinny one."  
Gourry frowned. "Are you sure? The other guy looks a lot more mob-boss-ish. Or maybe the bald guy?"  
Mendo began to twitch. "Your honor, that is simply the attorney defending the mob boss and his assistant. The small one is the gangster."  
Gourry scratched his chin, then turned to Zelgadis. "Which is worse?" Zelgadis shrugged.  
Mendo cleared his throat, clearly annoyed. "As I was saying, I'd like to call Ten to the stand, your honor."  
Gourry shrugged, and a small boy wearing a tiger-striped diaper floated in from the rear of the courthouse. He had green hair with a single horn sticking out, and was also wearing black sunglasses.  
Ranma gaped. "Hey! It's the office mailboy!"  
Mendo ignored Ranma's outburst and waited until Ten was sworn in. "Now, Mr. Ten, you are a secret agent in the employ of the Japanese government, correct?"  
"Correct." Ten answered casually. Shinji stiffened slightly, and Ranma continued gaping.  
Mendo smirked. "No doubt you were placed in the employ of the law firm you 'officially' work for as a plant for the government? Am I right?"  
"No, I just work there." Ten yawned.  
Mendo blinked, taken off-guard by his assumption. "Er... right. Well, you have been doing some investigative work around Mr. Ikari, am I right?" Ten nodded, and Mendo continued. "Please inform us of what you found."  
Ten nodded and pulled a stack of photos from out of nowhere. "Here's a shot of his apartment. Please note the huge, plasma-screen, 48" TV, the deluxe sound system, the state-of-the-art Magi personal computer unit, the genuine mahogany bookcase, and the life-size elephant statue forged from solid gold and lined with 24 karat diamond-encrusted platinum bands."  
"Dang. I'm gonna have a hard time trying to explain that last one," Ranma mumbled.  
"The next picture shows him paying large sums of money to two scary-looking big guys with guns. The next picture shows him carrying an important-looking briefcase with the words 'NERV Tech' and handing it to a bunch of other scary people in exchange for money. This next picture was taken on the inside of one of the Yakuza's strip clubs, and shows him getting lap dances from several girls at once."  
Ranma's eyes bugged out slightly, and he turned to stare at Shinji, who was holding his head in his hands and cursing quietly, momentarily dropping his 'spineless' act. "Damn..."  
Mendo nodded, and gestured for Ten to go on. When he didn't, Mendo frowned. "Well? What about the others?"  
Ten blushed slightly, then chuckled. "Well, uh, after I got into the club, I kinda used up the rest of the film taking pictures of the club's girls."  
Mendo stared, then snatched away the pictures before rifling through them. "Hmph, you're right." Mendo pocketed the photos, ignoring Ten's cry of protest, and walked toward his bench. "Nothing further, your honor."  
Ranma stood up. "I'd like to call Ms. Asuka Langley to the stand!"  
The redhead was sworn in and led to the booth, where Ranma turned to face her.  
"Now, Miss Langley, can you describe your friend Shinji for the court?"  
Asuka snorted. "Sure. He's an idiot and a spineless wimp. And a pervert."  
"Not the kind of person that would run an organized ring of mobsters, is he?"  
Asuka barked out a laugh. "Please! That moron would probably break down and cry if he stole some gum from a K-Mart!"  
Ranma smiled. "You also described him as a 'pervert', correct? So would he be the type to enter a strip joint?"  
The redhead snorted again. "I'm surprised he worked up the guts to go in, let alone talk to a woman in a G-string, but yeah, I guess so."  
Ranma turned back around, addressing the courtroom. "Which, may I remind all of you, is not illegal!" He turned back to Asuka. "And what about those other photos? The ones that show him giving money to obvious criminals?"  
Asuka shook her head. "Get real. Shinji would run at the sight of them. Must be his long-lost twin brother or something."  
Ranma blinked. "Long-lost twin broth..." 'Hey, there's an angle I hadn't thought of!' "So there you have it!" Ranma cried, turning back toward the spectators. "Shinji's long-lost twin brother, or, in the case that Mendo comes up with birth records to prove otherwise, a convincing look-alike! Perhaps forgeries or doctored prints! They are not-"  
"Objection!" Mendo roared, "the photographs presented were issued by a trusted government official! For the purposes at hand, you cannot question their authenticity, only their content!"  
Ranma glared at Mendo, then looked up toward Gourry. Mendo did the same, fierce determination in his eyes.  
Gourry blinked. "What're you all looking at me for?"  
Zelgadis sighed. "Are you sustaining or overruling?"  
"I'm just sitting here."  
Zelgadis and Ranma both facefaulted.  
Ranma staggered to his feet. "Nothing further." Then he walked to his bench.  
Mendo shook his head warily, then opened up a folder and scanned it before looking up again. "I'd like to call Shinji Ikari to the stand, your honor."  
Shinji was sworn in, and took a seat before Mendo approached slowly.  
"Now, Mr. Ikari. Your official occupation is 'Eva pilot', correct?"  
"Correct," Shinji answered nervously.  
Mendo nodded, and grinned viciously. "Really? How do you explain the picture of your room, presented earlier? That was your room, correct?"  
Shinji tugged on his collar a bit. "Uhm, yeah, I guess..."  
"Quite... lavish, for a young man who's frequently exploited and sent into life-and-death struggles for little or no compensation, wouldn't you say?" Mendo pressed on. "That's a very nice mahagony desk, by the way."  
Shinji chuckled as cold sweat poured down his face. "Th-Thank you. It was... on sale at Best Buy."  
"And the elephant?"  
"Er... a family heirloom?" Shinji gestured.  
"Odd, you don't sound too sure about that." Mendo smirked and sauntered off a bit. "I have reports of you being unnaccounted for at several different instances each week. Care to explain?"  
"I, uh," Shinji stuttered out, "I'm just... doing wimpy, meek things that criminals would laugh at. Why?"  
"Oh? Can you give us a few examples?"  
Shinji twitched slightly. "No! It's none of your business!" He flinched back immediately after the outburst, regretting it instantly.  
Mendo shook his head. "Nothing further. Your witness Saotome."  
Ranma nodded, and walked up to the podium purposefully before looking Shinji straight in the eyes. "Are you a mob boss?"  
Shinji blinked. "No."  
"Nothing further, your honor." Ranma returned to his bench.  
"Wow, this is gonna be a tough decision," Gourry remarked, holding his head as if deep in thought. Below him, Zelgadis slapped his forehead.  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma walked into the bar cheerily, and casually slapped Ryoga on the back as he took his normal seat at the bar. "What's up Hibiki? Still can't find the door?"  
"Go to hell," Ryoga mumbled, his head resting face down on the counter.  
Ranma simply smiled and shook his head. "Yo! Terry! Whiskey over here!"  
Terry Bogard nodded in his usual cool, impersonal way, and slid Ranma a shot.  
"So, I heard your doing some work for Ikari, Ranma." Terry ventured, dry-washing a glass.  
Ranma shrugged. "Yeah, well, he's in it deep."  
Terry smirked slightly. "I'm not sure if you realize it yet, but so are you."  
Ranma puzzled over that for a moment, when he heard the door squeak open.  
Shinji poked his head in, then slowly entered, looking as if he was waiting to be caught doing something he shouldn't (which was understandable, as he was rather far under the drinking age).  
Terry leaned on the counter. "You lost, kid?"  
Shinji looked at him nervously, then pointed to Ranma. "I... can I speak to him? Just for a moment?"  
Terry stared for a moment, and then, as if at some silent signal, nodded. "All right Ryoga, time to go." He walked out from behind the counter and grabbed the lost boy by the shoulder.  
"You mean... I'm going home?" Ryoga looked up at the blond martial artist, hope swimming in his eyes.  
"Not really. But you are getting out of here, so I guess it's a start." Terry shoved open the front door, then launched Ryoga out onto the streets.  
Ryoga's cry of "Thank you!" was cut off as Terry closed the door, and then stood by it as he nodded to Shinji.  
The young Eva pilot again dropped his spineless act, and took out a cigar. "All right kid, you done good so far, but I really can't take any chances. You get me out of this, and big things are coming your way, alright?" Shinji smiled. "I'm glad we had this little talk. A friend like me could do a friend like you wonders, you know." Shinji slipped on a ring, and Terry approached.  
"Bogard, I need to work off some stress."  
"Of course," the martial artist replied, then leaned down to kiss Shinji's ring.  
Ranma watched the whole scene in a kind of muddled stupor.  
Terry then led Shinji to the [Employees Only] door, and opened it for him. Because of the angle to Ranma, he could only see the opened door, and not what was inside.  
"Hello everyone! It's me!" There was a cheer, and Shinji entered the room grinning as several fluffly bras of various colors flew out of the doorway and fluttered onto the floor of the bar.  
Terry shut the door, and got the broom.  
"Is there a strip club on the other side of that door?" Ranma ventured, unable to come to terms with what he just saw.  
Terry didn't look up. "Don't be ridiculous. It's just a storage garage."  
Ranma stared at the door for a while longer, then looked down at his whiskey. He raised his right hand, mouthed some silent words, then shoved the shot glass away from him before walking out the door.  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
"Well, here's to another segment of the daily grind." Ranma lifted up his cup of coffee, and Inu-Yasha did the same before they both tilted their cups to their mouths and gulped it down.  
"Ranma!!" Mousse appeared out of nowhere screaming, causing both employees to spit out their drinks in surprise.  
"What?! What?!" Ranma shouted in panic.  
Mousse rubbed his hands together nervously as he stared directly at the water cooler on the other end of the room. "Saotome, we need to talk!"  
"Over here, fool," Ranma snapped. Mousse turned around, then put an arm around Inu-Yasha and led him away.  
"Look here Saotome, you've gotten the firm into something big, and by big, I mean really really bad!" Mousse shouted.  
Behind him, Ranma raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"  
"I mean the Yakuza! You have to pull this off, Saotome, or we're all in a world of hurt!" Mousse took a deep breath, then lowered his voice to the point where Ranma had to actually approach to hear him. "This morning, when I woke up, I found a huge, slimy lump next to me!"  
"That was your wife, dolt!" Inu-Yasha threw Mousse's arm off of him.  
"Why would I marry something like that?!" Mousse shouted in distress.  
"Because you're blind as a termite, and twice as stupid!" Ranma admonished. Then he adjusted his tie, and added, "And also because I got Shampoo as a secretary instead of you."  
"Why you little..." Mousse growled, and then launched himself at a potted plant in the corner and began to wrestle it to the ground.  
Ranma and Inu-Yasha stepped out of the break room, only to run into Ten.  
Ranma crossed his arms over his chest. "Well well, if it isn't the little traitor. What brings you here? A government conspiracy, maybe?"  
Ten shrugged. "Not since last week, with the big satellite fiasco. Look Saotome, I just wanted to talk to you. The mutt can leave."  
Inu-Yasha twitched slightly, but left the room, muttering about small, floating annoying creatures the whole way.  
"Okay Ranma, listen up. If we can get through that thick skull of Gabriev's, we can finally put away one of the most dangerous criminal masterminds for good, and perhaps even get a foothold on eliminating the most powerful crime orginization in all of Japan. All that's standing between us and that goal is you. So if you happen to, say, 'mess up', I have some friends who just might be able to help you deal with Mr. Ikari's temper. Got it?"  
Ranma frowned. "But isn't this kid supposed to be the world's last hope for defending itself from the angels or something? If you put Shinji away, wouldn't Nerv fall apart and the angels overrun the Earth's defenses and extinguish all life as we know it?"  
Ten shrugged. "Eh. You can't make an omellette without breaking some eggs, and all that jazz. Remember what I said, Saotome." Ten started to float away, only to stop when Ranma cleared his throat rather loudly.  
"What?"  
"My mail?" Ranma asked, glaring at the little alien.  
Grumbling to himself, Ten changed direction and floated for the mail room.  
Inu-Yasha entered a moment later. Ranma turned to face him immediately. "You heard everything?"  
Inu-Yasha nodded. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"  
"That we should blow off the case, get wasted, and then end up waking next to divorce support group patients, even though we're sure that we ended up crashing a Irishman's bachelor party?"  
Inu-Yasha blinked, astounded. "Yes... how did you-"  
"Actually, no," Ranma answered, "I was thinking more along the lines of how I'm going to win this case for my client."  
"I... see. Magic 8-ball's broken?"  
Ranma nodded somberly. "Cracked by the same support beam that crushed my adversary. Took it to the shop just yesterday."  
Inu-Yasha nodded. "You got an angle?"  
Ranma grinned. "You betcha. Surprise witness. Just wait, this one can't lose!"  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Ranma walked up the bench, smiling warmly. "Your honor, I would like to call Miss Nuku Nuku to the stand."  
Gourry blinked and shrugged. "Nuku Nuku? What kind of a name is that?" He muttered, even as the front entrance of the courthouse opened.  
Shinji started twitching as the bubbly redhead bounced into the room. "No... please... not her..."  
Ranma gave him a wave to assure that everything was okay as Nuku Nuku was sworn in.  
The android catgirl took her seat at the stand, and caught sight of Shinji. "Hi boss!" She waved to him enthusiastically. Shinji slapped his forehead.  
Ranma bigsweated and stepped between Nuku Nuku and his client. "Now Ms. Nuku, you don't really know the defendent, do you?"  
"Uh uh!" Nuku Nuku shook her head no, her smile instantly replaced by a serious expression.  
Ranma breathed a sigh of relief. "Right. Now, you work at the establishments that are supposedly run by members of the Yakuza, correct?"  
"Uh... do I?" Nuku puzzled, forgetting how she should answer that question. Shinji twitched.  
Ranma nodded his head slightly.  
"Oh! Yes, I am!"  
"My God..." Mendo muttered, trying to keep from laughing aloud.  
'Maybe this wasn't as good an idea as I thought it was...' "So you have never had any contact with my client, correct? You have never seen him in or around any of the areas you frequent?"  
"Nope!" Nuku Nuku shook her head once more.  
"What about the photographs taken by Ten? And that kid in the photos?"  
Nuku Nuku put a hand to her chin in thought. "That boy... looks a lot like Shinji, but he's really just another guy. Up close they don't even look that much alike. Really! He's the one I work for, so I see him a lot!" Nuku Nuku finished, then smiled toward Ranma. "How was that?"  
*Bam!* *Bam!* *Bam!* *Bam!* Shinji started banging his head on the desk he was at, much to Mendo's amusement.  
Ranma grit his teeth and whispered back at his witness. "Not now!"  
Mendo chuckled on the edge of full-blown laughter as he stood up. "If I may examine the witness?"  
Ranma sighed and returned to his bench, Shinji glaring at him.  
Mendo walked up to Nuku Nuku, grinning. "Now, Ms. Nuku, answer me one question. Do you or do you not work under a young man that is called, in many crime circles, the 'Iron Dragoon'?!" Mendo's voice rose to a shout at the end, and he gripped the stand as he stared fiercely into Nuku Nuku's eyes.  
Nuku scratched her head in confusion. "Iron Dragoon? They call him the 'Steel Dragon'."  
Mendo blinked. "Er, what? Steel Dragon?"  
"Nope! I've never heard that name before!" Nuku Nuku insisted, shaking her head.  
Mendo stared, then shook his head. "Nothing further."  
Gourry looked flabbergasted as he tried to go over the last interrogation. "Wait... but, how could she not... I mean, she's the one who... she must know..."  
"Don't think about it too hard, you'll hurt yourself," Zelgadis muttered.  
A look of misery set upon Ranma's face, and Shinji sighed. "Don't worry too much. I told them to make it quick." Ranma twitched.  
"Your honor," Mendo began, "Despite having more than enough evidence to convict Mr. Ikari as it is, I'd like to call in one final witness. The 'final nail in the coffin', if you will. I'd like to call Rei Ayanami to the stand!"  
Shinji jolted forward, startled. Ranma leaned in close. "What?"  
"I... I already got her... how..." Shinji muttered under his breath in a stupor, then blinked. "Damn! I forgot, they have backups of her!"  
Ranma could only blink as the quiet bluette was sworn in, and Mendo approached her.  
"Now Ms. Ayanami, you too work for the Yakuza crime lord, correct?"  
"Yes."  
"Can you point him out for the court?" Mendo smirked.  
Rei pointed straight to Shinji, who simply buried his head with his arms.  
"And this is the infamous... er... 'Steel Dragon'?"  
"Yes."  
"When was the last time you saw the defendent?"  
"Four days ago, at Nanami's Bar & Grill."  
"What was he doing?"  
"Collecting his share of the profits, as well as distributing handguns to the new guards."  
Mendo raised an eyebrow. "Guns, eh? And guards? What were they guarding?"  
"The private strip club and gambling bar in the back."  
Mendo nodded somberly. "Yet another Yakuza operation, no doubt. Who owns that restaraunt?"  
"Nanami Jinnai."  
"And the club?"  
"Steel Dragon owns it, though Mistress Jinnai runs it."  
Mendo nodded. "I think I've made my point. Nothing further."  
Rei got up from the stand, then walked over to Shinji's bench and bowed. "I'll see you on Tuesday."  
"Actually, that's looking kind of iffy," Shinji remarked dryly, twitching. Rei didn't understand the response, but left anyway.  
Shinji turned to Ranma. "Well pal, it's been nice knowing you."  
*Splash* [Son, I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you this time. I'll miss you.]  
Ranma's eyebrow twitched. "Like you EVER help!" Then he took a deep breath to calm himself. 'Okay big guy, moment of truth. You can do this... aw hell, who am I kidding? I'm dead, and I know it! If only there was some other way to......' his thought trailed off, and a big light bulb appeared over his head, showering the courtroom in light.  
"That's not a good sign," Mendo muttered.  
Ranma turned off the light to reduce the glare, then turned to Gourry, who was trying to recover his vision. "Your honor, please excuse me, I have something very important to do before I give my closing statement!" Ranma immediately rushed out of the room, even as Gourry stuttered his permission.  
"What could he be up to?" Mendo wondered aloud, though quietly.  
  
Shinji was just about to go look for his attorney, when there was a distant splashing of water, followed by footsteps.  
Everbody's eyes went to the entrance that Ranma had left through, and were thus witness to a very attractive redheaded woman walking past, although she was wearing a man's business suit.  
She walked out of the view afforded by the open door, and a feminine gasp floated into the courtroom.  
"Oh no! I spilled coffee on myself!"  
*Whooosh!* Mendo was out the door and in the hallway almost instantly, while everyone else was wondering how she spilled coffee when she didn't have any.  
"Now Miss, I can-" *Thwack!* *Pow!* *Smash!* *Crack!* ............. *Splash*  
Ranma once again entered the courtroom, male and wet with a thin veil of steam around him.  
He took his seat at the bench, his face grim and serious.  
Gourry blinked. "Uhm... why are you wet? Where did you go?"  
Ranma smiled. "Oh, just had to freshen up a bit, you know?"  
Gourry apparently accepted that, but still had another question. "Why is there a coffee stain on your pant leg?"  
Ranma looked down at his leg, then back up at the judge. "I have no idea," he answered honestly.  
At that point, one of the guards outside the courthouse dragged Mendo's body into the courtroom. "Your honor! Look!"  
Ranma stood up immediately, feigning shock. "Oh my God, they killed Mendo!"  
Genma held up a sign. [You bastards!]  
Ranma immediately turned to Gourry. "Your honor, it is well-known that during a trial, if one of the attorneys is found dead, then the case immediately goes to the remaining attorney. Namely, me."  
Zelgadis sighed and shook his head. Gourry blinked. "No kidding? Well, then-"  
"He's not dead yet!" The guard shouted.  
Ranma blinked. "Uh... I'm sure you're also aware that the same rule applies when the opposing attorney is mortally wounded..."  
"I think he might pull through!"  
Ranma's eye twitched. "Well, obviously he can't continue the case when he's hurt that badly..."  
"He's getting better!"  
Ranma growled, then took a deep breath. "I'm afraid the same rule applies when, after an untimely assault that leaves the attorney near death, and it seems he's about to make a miraculous recovery in time to finish the trial, he's suddenly shot and killed without warning or ceremony." Ranma jerked his head over at Shinji, who nodded and waved out the window before pointing to Mendo.  
*Toom!* A sniper shot rang out, shattering a window and sending broken glass all over the floor.  
"Never mind! He's a goner!"  
Ranma nodded, then looked up at Gourry hopefully.  
"Well... if that's the rule, then... he's innocent! I guess..." Gourry gave a confused shrug, then yawned and stepped down from the podium before exiting behind Zelgadis who was muttering quietly the whole way.  
  
Ranma waited until they had exited, then collapsed onto the floor, his energy expended from fueling sheer hope.  
Shinji entered his field of vision, standing over him and leaning to look him in the eyes. "Well I'll be damned. You pulled it off."  
Ranma flipped up, then dusted off his suit. "Ranma Saotome never loses! Well... not when my life is on the line, anyway."  
Shinji chuckled. "Right. I'll have my down payment delivered to your office. Nice work, kid." With that said, Shinji immediately adopted a nervous and scared, albeit tremendously relieved, expression and exited the courtroom, avoiding eye contact with everyone.  
Ranma idly wondered what his former client meant by that as he grabbed his panda, er, father and dragged him out of the courtroom, making sure to step on Mendo's corpse on the way out.  
__________________________________________________________________________________  
  
Inu-Yasha grinned fiercely as Ranma entered the office, a victorious grin on his face.  
"Surprise comeback! Who's the man! You're the man!"  
Ranma looked away in false bashfulness. "Naw... I am, aren't I?"  
They both laughed for a moment, before a skinny guy in pleated jeans and a t-shirt approached.  
"Hey, the name's Ataru Moroboshi. I'm the new mailboy."  
Ranma blinked. "What happened to the squirt?"  
Ataru managed a knowing shrug. "He passed away in an unfortunate, but rather well-timed and remarkably convenient UFO crash. I hear they fed his body to the penguin."  
Ranma winced. "Ah."  
"You did good, and the boss wants to show his gratitude. Here're two VIP passes to the Lonely Wolf gentlemen's club. Plus there's something for you upstairs." Ataru started to walk away, when Ranma cleared his throat loudly.  
Ataru blinked. "What?"  
"And my mail?" Ranma glared at him.  
Ataru stared for a moment, then changed direction and walked off. "Yeah, yeah, hold your horses." He muttered.  
  
Upon recieving his letters, Ranma walked to his office, followed by Genma and Inu-Yasha.  
Ranma stared at the 10-foot tall gold likeness of an evangelion as it pointed a platinum autogun at the spot where his clients usually sat.  
"Now THAT is going to be a collector's item," Inu-Yasha said appreciatively.  
Ranma turned to his receptionist. "Shampoo, how did they fit it through the door?"  
She shrugged. "Shampoo not know? But they also install wine cellar downstairs. Mousse down there right now, shouting about toxic waste dump." Shampoo rolled her eyes, once again thanking her lucky stars that she had gotten her desired position (wink wink, nudge nudge) with Ranma instead of the head of the firm.  
Ranma entered his office, then looked out the window at the endless sea of streetlights that decorated Tokyo.  
Inu-Yasha continued staring at the statue. "Hey Ranma, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"  
"That we should get stoned, go to Terry's club, get some strippers' phone numbers, then go spend the rest of the night howling at the moon?"  
The half-youkai stared. "How do you DO that? Are you psychic or something?"  
Ranma shook his head. "I wish, my friend. I wish." 'Who knows what the future will bring? ......... Damn, I really need to get my 8-ball back.'  
*Splash* Genma doused himself with a bucket of cold water, forgetting that he was already a panda.  
[To be continued?] "Growf!"  
  
**********************************************************************************  
  
Case 2 [Closed] 


	3. Case 3

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law  
the continuation of the sequel of a huge disaster  
by Black Dragon  
  
Standard disclaimer applies. Then again, with Ranma Saotome: Attorney at law on my staff, who would dare to sue me?! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!  
Work is based off Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law, but with an anime twist. I've decided to come out with more chapters of this to celebrate the coming of new episodes of HB.  
  
Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law  
Case 3  
  
Adjusting the cuffs of his suit, Ranma stretched his legs out and then straightened, taking a deep breath.  
Inu-Yasha reared back his hand, which was grasping a haphazard stack of papers. "You ready?"  
Picking up the stapler on his desk, Ranma held it up before him, his eyes closed in deep concentration. "Bring it."  
With that command, the half-demon attorney tossed the papers at his co-worker, causing the stack to scatter into a chaotic white flurry.  
"HYAH!!" With a fierce battle cry, Ranma leapt into the fray, his stapler a black streak as it shot from one report to another.  
Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click Click  
Sheets began to quickly disappear before they had even touched the floor, and Ranma became the center of a black and white whirlwind as the papers were stapled into neat stacks in mid-air.  
"Ha ha!" Click Ranma closed the stapler jaws a final time, and the last thin stack of contracts slowly fluttered to the carpet, bound by a single staple in the upper left-hand corner.  
Inu-Yasha immediately fell onto his hands and knees and inspected the fallen papers closely.  
"............... Perfect! They're all lined up, and all the staples are in the left corner!"  
"Yes!" Ranma made a "V" with his fingers. "The _assault of a thousand staples_ in its master form! Bureaucracy at its best!"  
Bonk! The attorney's hand dropped as a sign collided with his head.  
[Idiot! You took twenty-two seconds! Your time has gotten worse!] Genma stared down at his son condescendingly, shaking his furry head.  
"Aw, shaddup. What do you know, anyway?" Snorting disdainfully, Ranma moved a trashcan right in front of him and then grabbed a stack of papers from his desk.  
[You can't take your training lightly, boy! Saotome Anything-Goes Legal Combat isn't for the weak of mind or heart!]  
Ranma held the papers over the garbage can as he replied. "And what do you know about it?! You got your legal 'degree' from a half-hour mail order training video!" While Ranma was talking, Inu-Yasha stood up and swiped at the stack of papers with his hand, causing the entire thing to almost disintegrate into a mass of shredded fibers.  
[So what? You got yours from the same video!] Genma protested.  
"Yeah, but **I** didn't cheat on the mail-in final exam!" Ranma said proudly, crossing his arms over his chest.  
"Oh-ho! Burn!" Inu-Yasha pumped an arm up and down in the air.  
As the panda left to sulk in the corner, Ranma began holding more contracts and old documents over the garbage can for his canine-ish colleague to shred.  
"So, how'd your last case go?" Ranma asked casually.  
"Awesome," Inu-Yasha answered, grinning, "I nailed it good. Miroku owes Sango ten grand, and I got the restraining order pushed to **20,000 feet**! Can you believe that?! And they work in the same town! If that sucker is even close enough to know he has to avoid her, then we can nail him again!" The half-youkai chuckled as he continued cutting up the papers.  
"Wow. How perfectly evil of you." Ranma commented, grabbing a box of old physical evidence and holding it over the trash.  
Wsh! The box fell apart into dozens of clean-cut pieces. "Oh yeah. I love the legal profession."  
There was a sudden burst of static, and the intercom on Ranma's desk activated. Airen, a Miss Ryoko here to see you.  
Ranma blinked. "Huh. New client. Looks like I've got some work."  
Also, Kagome contact me from dog man office. Have custody case for little fox boy against Azusa Shiratori.  
"What?! AGAIN?!" Inu-Yasha shouted, gritting his teeth as he stomped out of the office. "Is it THAT hard to keep the little brat away from that ice-skating screwball? Goddamn rassafrassin..."  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Oh-kay... send in Ryoko, Shampoo."  
"Right behind you."  
"Gyah!" Ranma jumped up into the air, and landed facing the other way, standing up straight, with his hands clasped behind his back.  
Ryoko, whose head was sticking up out of the top of Ranma's desk, raised an eyebrow at the unusual display.  
"Ah! Ryoko! I'm Ranma Saotome, attorney at law." He stuck out a hand, then almost pulled it back, hesitating. "Uh... so, do you have hands, or are you just a head, or what?"  
Ryoko smirked slightly and phased through the desk completely so her entire body was floating above it.  
"Ah, so you do! Among other things!" Ranma smiled and held his hand out again. "So, what can I do ya for?"  
Ryoko nodded seriously and shook his hand. "Well... it's kind of embarrassing..."  
Ranma snapped his fingers. "Lemme guess: prenup-covered adulterer's divorce settlement?"  
Ryoko blinked rapidly. "Wh-What? No!"  
"Gender-change operation gone awry?" Ranma guessed again.  
"Huh?"  
"Your plastic surgeon messed up your boob job and now you fly through solid matter?"  
"All right! All right! Stop! Maybe it's not so embarrassing!" Ryoko shouted, grabbing the sides of her head in frustration.  
After calming down, she took a deep breath and sighed. "It's a sexual harassment suit."  
Ranma nodded, making a mental note to hold off on seducing this particular client. "Gotcha. Who's the perv and what'd he do?"  
Ryoko bit her lower lip and twiddled her fingers. "Uh... that's the embarrassing part, really... You see, the lawsuit was filed **against** me."  
Ranma stared at Ryoko for a moment. Then he snapped his fingers and pointed at her. "Ah! I get it. Lesbian, right?"  
The space alien sighed. "No. He was a guy. His name is Tenchi Masaki."  
Another long silence prevailed in the room. Ranma slowly looked Ryoko up and down, making critical observations about his client.  
'Excellent legs, sweet ass, and an awesome rack... the hair is sort of freaky, but most guys wouldn't get that high before getting distracted.'  
"So, is he married, or what?"  
Ryoko grit her teeth. "No. No wife or girlfriend. At least as far as I know."  
Ranma rubbed his chin. "I see..." then he shrugged, "well, believe it or not, some guys do value their private space more than sex. Hell, I used to be like that."  
Then his expression turned stern, and he jabbed his finger at Ryoko. "BUT, that is no excuse at all!"  
Ryoko blinked. "It's not?"  
Ranma shook his head. "Sexual harassment laws are made to protect secretaries and nurses from lecherous and corrupt employers!" Then he added under his breath, glancing in the direction of Shampoo's desk, "Not that they do." Then he adjusted his tie and went back to righteous shouting. "In modern social conduct, applied to a relaxed non-business setting, such a line that ends up separating 'acceptable' from 'illegal' is too vague to be so strictly enforced! We can't punish every guy or girl that looks at a member of the opposite sex the wrong way, now can we?" He raised a fist in the air as he finished, staring at the ceiling.  
Sighing, he slowly lowered his hand. "And yet, people today would still burden our courts with such frivolous nonsense. It's shameful to think a few words or a wandering hand could create such a disturbance in today's society."  
Then he frowned. "By the way, exactly what is he charging you of doing?"  
Ryoko chuckled in embarrassment, and clasped her hands together below her waist nervously. "Well, uh, you know how I came up into your office by phasing through the desk?"  
Ranma blinked. "Yeah."  
"Right," Ryoko said, "I did that. Except instead of a desk, it was Tenchi's bed. That he was sleeping in. Also, I was naked."  
".................." Ranma remained silent for a few moments. "Then what happened?"  
Ryoko shrugged her shoulders. "Well... I woke him up... I'm not going to describe how, if that's okay, and he sort of made to jump out of the bed, and I grabbed him and pulled him back in. After a little bit, another girl that lives in the same house-who is also NOT Tenchi's girlfriend-came in to see what was causing all the noise, and then she started fighting me, and we eventually took it outside of Tenchi's room, and then that evening this tall guy with goggles and a big hat gave me a summons."  
".................." After another moment of silence, Ranma looked down and scratched his chin, deep in thought.  
"So, why did you grab him, exactly?" He asked, not looking up at her.  
Ryoko sweatdropped. "I thought he was just playing hard to get! Or maybe he was afraid of what Ayeka would think! He's always been like that!"  
".................." Ranma finally looked up again. "Is it okay if I do my rant over?"  
"Please do," Ryoko mumbled miserably.  
"You are the victim here!" Ranma spontaneously shouted, gripping his hands into fists. "A poor, disillusioned young woman with a fragile heart, set upon a man who would not have you! You have beauty, charm, and I'm assuming some kind of wit! You press your honest affections, attempting to break through his emotional walls! You are guilty of nothing more than falling in love! And yet, he would punish your already flattened heart with harsh legal action?" He clasped his hands behind his back as he shook his head shamefully. "Terrible. Simply terrible. Where does it all **end**? Have you not suffered enough?"  
Ryoko frowned and scratched her chin, considering. "Okay. Yeah. I'll buy that. Except that I'm not all that young, And I don't think that Tenchi really has 'emotional walls'."  
"I'm afraid that my standard fee only covers two sessions of inspirational bull. It'll cost you five hundred for another one," Ranma informed her bluntly.  
She sighed. "Whatever. Does that mean you'll take the case?"  
Ranma frowned, then he snapped his fingers above his head.  
Ryoko blinked as a panda lumbered over to her prospective attorney and handed him something small.  
Ranma blinked as well, and then turned his head to look at what he had been handed. "What the hell is this? A fortune cookie?! Where's the Magic 8 Ball?"  
Genma shrugged his large, furry shoulders. [It disappeared right after it got back from the shop.]  
  
"Oh Magic 8 Ball! Reveal my prospective future! Tell me, will I ever score with the ultra-hot secretary on the third floor?" Down in the mail room, Ataru held the black novelty item in the air above his head and shook it while closing his eyes in concentration.  
When he lowered the ball in front of him and opened his eyes to look into the small viewing window, words slowly rolled up through the obscuring blue fluid. [Signs point to yes.]  
"SWEET!!!"  
[Provided you exchange bodies and personalities with the main character. Get a clue, you dip.]  
"Awwwww..."  
[Also, I know this isn't related to your question, but that shirt is HIDEOUS.]  
  
Grumbling irritably to himself, Ranma broke open the fortune cookie, and stuck the shell in his mouth as he unfolded the paper inside.  
Crunch Crunch Gulp "Lessee here... 'You will take the case'." Ranma blinked, then raised an eyebrow. "Huh. Simple enough."  
He reached out a hand , and Ryoko shook it eagerly.  
"Congratulations! You are now the proud client of the best lawyer in your price range!"  
Ryoko began to nod, then stopped and pointed to the slip of paper Ranma was still holding. "Hey, there's something on the back here."  
Ranma blinked, and turned the paper around. "'And you'll regret it, because as it turns out, your opposition is-'" His eyes went wide as he read the following name. "Aw, HELL no!!"  
  
Sighing deeply, Ranma steeled himself as he prepared for the confrontation ahead.  
The bar door jingled lightly as he entered, and Terry glanced over at him and raised an eyebrow.  
"I was wondering why you didn't stop by. Kind of late for you, isn't it?" The street fighter offered, smirking.  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah. But it's just the right time for **him**." The pigtailed attorney pointed at a figure sitting at the bar already, sticking out quite well in the long red coat and wide-rimmed red hat.  
Terry raised an eyebrow and whistled. "I... see. He in your league, exactly?"  
Ranma scratched the back of his head. "My league is pretty flexible, so it's hard to say. But I've got a pretty rough case no matter who the prosecution is, so this is gonna be a hell of a fight."  
Terry nodded slowly. "Right. Drink?"  
"Triple scotch. With a cherry, please," Ranma murmured, walking stiffly up to the figure already at the bar.  
  
As Ranma approached, the figure leaned back slightly.  
"About time you showed up, Saotome. You're late."  
Ranma sighed. "Sorry Alucard. There was a Gundam battle downtown. Traffic was hell. I mean, like, figuratively. I don't mean it was actually... you know, like you and the... uh, what I meant to say was... never mind..." He shook his head as he stopped babbling, his senses and thoughts in disarray.  
Alucard grinned slightly and held up his bloody mary to his lips. "So. Incidence of sexual assault, with witnesses and a history. Did you come here to beg for mercy?" The vampire's grin turned malicious as he lifted his drink to take a sip.  
Ranma drew himself up. "Before we begin, I'd just like to point out that my client is a major babe, and that your client is being a big weenie."  
Alucard snorted. "Tell that to the judge. I'm sure he'll understand." The vampire finished off the last of his bloody mary, then grinned again. "Equal protection under the law, Saotome. A woman isn't any more entitled to make unwanted sexual advances than a man. Even an attractive woman. There's no way you can stop me."  
Ranma looked annoyed, but nonetheless took out a folded piece of paper and slapped in on the counter next to the undead lawyer. "We're willing to settle. Take a look."  
Snorting disdainfully, Alucard took up the piece of paper and quickly scanned over it. Then he crushed it in his hand.  
"Bah! You call this a settlement offer?! Why don't I just drain both you and your client right away and save you the humiliation of losing in court?!"  
Ranma scratched his head as Terry dropped off his drink. "I'm almost certain that would violate some form of business etiquette." He picked up his drink and walked over to his vampiric opponent. "Look, Al-do you mind if I call you Al?"  
"Yes." Alucard said sharply.  
"Anyway, Al, try and look at it from this chick's point of view," Ranma insisted, putting his arm around the vampire's shoulder, "she's been brought up with the belief, which I very much support, that guys like a girl who puts out on a first date, or maybe before they dated at all. Are you going to let that kind of attitude die out because of some politically correct, geeky prude who feels that somebody violated his 'personal space'? I mean, think about the kind of damage he's doing! Not just to her ego, but to the whole of mankind! Men have spent centuries trying to break down womens' sexual barriers faster and with less emotional attachment! Think about yourself, Al! Think about how hard it will be to score with a babe if they have to be as careful as we are to respect personal space!"  
Alucard shook his head as he shoved Ranma's arm off of his shoulder. "Not any harder than it is now. For me, at least."  
Ranma blinked. "Huh? What's that mean?" He cocked his head to the side as his opponent sighed miserably. "There's a story here, I just know it."  
Alucard grimaced. "Look, I don't like to talk about it, but... I'm really old, you know?"  
Ranma blinked again. "No, I don't know. How old?"  
"REALLY old." Alucard said, as if that cleared up the whole matter. "And even with immortals, after a certain amount of time..." He gestured toward his lower body. "The plumbing stops working so well."  
Ranma's eyes widened momentarily. "Ah. I... see... well then......... bummer." He took a long gulp from his glass, figuring that it was long past the time to start filling himself fat with alcohol.  
Alucard snorted, and eyed two men who walked into the bar. "My point is, don't expect me to sympathize with your 'easy women' bull."  
Just as the pair of patrons walked behind the conversing attorneys, Alucard suddenly whirled around and grabbed the closest one before biting deeply into his neck.  
Ranma sighed as he watched the victim struggle helplessly as his friend backed away in horror.  
Alucard finally pulled his teeth out of the man's neck, and then quickly stuck a small white card in his pocket as the victim began to collapse. "Nosferatu Alucard, legal counsel. I also do vampire hunting."  
As the victim's friend looked about ready to faint, Ranma quickly took out his own business card and stuck it in his pocket. "Ranma Saotome, cheaper legal counsel. I won't suck your blood." He wasn't sure if he had made a positive impression on the man, as he immediately ran out of the bar screaming.  
"Hey, Alucard, c'mon! These are paying customers! Chill!" Terry complained, glaring at the vampire.  
The vampire grumbled unintelligibly. "Like it's my fault you don't keep any decent transfusion blood on tap..."  
'Freaks,' Ranma decided, chugging down the rest of his scotch. "Well, if that's the way it is, I'll see you tomorrow, Al."  
"Just be ready to lose, human filth."  
'Jerk,' Ranma though as he left. 'Still, he's a jerk who has a major leg up on me. This is going to take some creative lawyering.'  
  
Frieza yawned as he lounged back in his hover-chair, which was tightly lodged into the relatively narrow space between the rear wall and the judge's podium. "A sexual harassment suit. Feh. I can't believe I'm actually wasting my time with this drivel."  
Standing on the floor below, Zelgadis rolled his eyes. "Well, it comes with the job. That, and not destroying the jury."  
Frieza snorted. He had a particular dislike for that rule. "Are you SURE I can't simply make a judgment as soon as they walk in and blast the loser?"  
The chimera sighed wearily. "I suppose you COULD, but it's not like you have another day job, and frankly, these spamfics are stupid enough without disjointing the plot."  
The intergalactic dictator nodded. "Point. Did they ever resurrect that kid I blasted last time? I'd really like some coffee."  
Zelgadis shook his head. "No Dragonballs in this multiverse. No resurrection."  
Frieza frowned. "Fine. You get it then. And make sure it's decaf!"  
Zelgadis started, and then grit his teeth. "I can't be sent to get **coffee**! I'm the **bailiff**! I have duties to-"  
"Get my coffee NOW, or I'm going to blast you into charred gravel and use you in my window box garden." Frieza said, pointing an index finger at the chimera that crackled with energy.  
The judge smirked as Zelgadis stomped away toward the break room, and then looked up as the door opened, admitting the defense.  
Frieza blinked. "Hey, didn't I know you in high school?"  
Ryoko blinked, then grimaced and shied behind Ranma. "Oh God, it's my ex," she mumbled quietly.  
Ranma's eyebrows climbed high onto his forehead. "Really? So, was he like, a major stud when he was younger," he whispered to his client, "or were you just desperate back then?"  
Ryoko glared at her lawyer. "Neither. He was rich. Very rich. Most rich guys have a summer home. He had a summer planet."  
Ranma whistled. "Yup, that's pretty rich all right."  
Frieza smirked and leaned back. "Well well. If it isn't my dear old acquaintance Ryoko! Sexual harassment, eh?" He chuckled. "Something tells me this is going to be a short case."  
The alien dictator leaned forward, smiling eagerly. "So, don't keep me in suspense. What'd he touch?"  
Ryoko twitched, and took her seat silently.  
Ranma cleared his throat to get the judge's attention. "Um, your honor... this is the defendant."  
Frieza blinked. Then he frowned. Then he took out the papers detailing the case, and looked it over carefully.  
Creak The door to the courtroom opened slightly a young man with short black hair tied into a rat tail at the base of his neck peeked in.  
Upon seeing Ryoko, he heaved a sigh and then entered, straightening his tie as he walked down the center of the room toward the front benches.  
Frieza mutely pointed to the man approaching the front.  
Ranma nodded. "That's the plaintiff. Tenchi Masaki."  
Tenchi took his seat and looked straight ahead, not making eye contact with Ryoko, who was nervously twiddling her fingers on the opposing bench.  
Frieza stared in silence at the sight, then leaned his head back. "You travel from one end of the universe to the other. You think you've seen it all. And then, WHAM!" The intergalactic menace shook his head. "I wonder if the justices in L.A. have to put up with this nonsense."  
Ranma waved to the plaintiff, and gave a friendly smile as he waved back without hostility. "Hey kiddo! Where's Al?"  
Vwoom A comical-looking, wide-rimmed hat phased up through the floor, and Tenchi jerked back as his attorney rose completely out of the hardwood before taking his seat.  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Hey Al. Nice outfit." Alucard had swapped his usual red trench coat and hat for a set exactly like it, only black. He had also exchanged his rolled-up lace tie for a regular black business tie. Ranma had to admit that it made the vampire look less like a pimp, but it still wasn't very lawyer-like.  
"Are you cretins ready to start yet?" Frieza said, glancing to the side as Zelgadis returned with his coffee.  
"Almost," Alucard assured him.  
The door swept open, and Ranma's eyebrow rose as a busty young woman with red eyes and strawberry-blonde hair dashed into the court room, carrying a stack of papers. Upon reaching the front, she immediately turned and dumped the papers in front of Alucard before taking a seat.  
"Hello," Ranma said to himself, unconsciously adjusting his tie. "What have we here? You got a partner now, Al?"  
"She's just an intern," Alucard explained, pulling up a sheet of paper and holding it in front of him. "Lawyer girl, go get me some coffee."  
Seras Victoria nodded and stood up again. "Right away, Master!" Then she rushed from the room.  
Seeing Ranma raise another eyebrow at the form of address, Alucard shrugged. "She works cheap."  
Ranma crossed his arms over his chest and faced forward, mumbling about the unfairness of it all. "And he's impotent, too. What a waste of a hot intern."  
Ryoko glanced at the large animal seated next to her. "It would at least help if you had a human assistant, I'm sure."  
Growf! [Oh, don't even start!]  
  
Zelgadis kept his tongue in check as Frieza nodded in satisfaction at the quality of the coffee, and then turned toward the opposing legal teams and spectators. "Hear ye all with business before this court, the dishonorable and largely psychotic judge Frieza presiding!"  
Frieza raised a hand in the air and fired a blast of energy into the air. "Get on with it!"  
  
"And so, Ryoko," Ranma said, finishing up his question, "you would say that your feelings for the plaintiff extend beyond simple lust?"  
Ryoko nodded. "Absolutely. I love Tenchi."  
Ranma nodded. "And had you known that it would have seriously offended the plaintiff to push your advances more aggressively, say, to the point of filing a lawsuit against you, would you have molested him in his bed while naked?"  
Ryoko stopped to think about it, but quickly snapped out of it when Ranma shot her a sharp look. "N-No! Of course not!"  
"So I ask you, what is the root of this case? Is it the pain and suffering of the plaintiff? The decency and morals of society at large? Or is it..." Ranma paused dramatically, and then jabbed a finger across the room toward the plaintiff's bench, "the work of greedy, bloodsucking lawyers?!"  
Ba-dum-cha! Genma added sound effects from where he was seated at a drum station behind the bench.  
"Yes! Rim shot!" Ranma cheered, pumping his arm up and down.  
"Objection." Alucard said stonily, standing up over a completely confused Tenchi. "That pun was horrible."  
"Sustained!" Frieza shouted, aiming a palm at Ranma.  
BLAMMO!! The courtroom shook mightily as the pigtailed lawyer was blasted away from the witness stand back to his bench.  
Alucard stood up and walked to the front.  
  
Ranma coughed as he grabbed the edge of his bench, slowly pulling himself up into his seat. "Ouch. I think I liked that Gabriev guy better."  
[Is she going to be okay?] Genma signed, nudging his large, furry head over in Ryoko's direction.  
Ranma nodded and sat down, dusting off the black char that covered his suit. "She should be okay as long as she remembers what I told her."  
  
'Remember girl, whatever he says, lie about it!' Ryoko nodded slightly to herself as the vampiric attorney approached, steeling herself.  
Alucard grinned slightly, and pulled off his goggle-like glasses before staring deeply into Ryoko's eyes.  
The space pirate looked oddly at him for a moment, and then her entire body shuddered before becoming completely relaxed, her eyes glazing over.  
Ranma blinked. 'Uh-oh.' "Objection your honor! He's hypnotizing my client!"  
Frieza nodded thoughtfully. "So he is. Interesting technique, too." He snapped his fingers. "I'm going to allow it."  
As Ranma cursed, Alucard nodded toward the judge. "Thank you, your honor." Then he turned toward Ryoko, who was wobbling slowly from side to side. "In the incident that was described, you woke my client up in an... interesting manner. Would you describe exactly what you did for the court?"  
Tenchi blushed and hid his face as Ryoko described what she had done in a simple monotone, causing no small commotion throughout the spectators. Next to him, Seras blushed as well, and began to give the young man very odd, curious looks.  
Ranma gulped, and placed his hands firmly atop his bench to keep them away from his personal regions, which were being severely affected by the testimony.  
Alucard turned around. "I see. And when my client attempted to leave the bedchambers, what did you do?"  
"I grabbed him." Ryoko said simply.  
"Why?"  
"To keep him from leaving."  
Alucard nodded. "And did it occur to you that he wanted to leave?"  
"Yes."  
"And yet you grabbed him anyway, correct?"  
"Yes."  
"If you knew he wanted to leave, why did you grab him?"  
"I didn't care if he wanted to leave. I wanted to-"  
Ranma stood up suddenly, interrupting Ryoko's answer. "Objec-YIPE!!" And then he ducked back down as a ki blast streaked over his head, annihilating a row of spectators.  
"Overruled!" Frieza snarled, putting his hand back down. Then he turned back toward Ryoko, a look of intense interest on his face. "Please, continue Mr. Alucard."  
Ranma sighed. This didn't look good at all.  
  
"And so, Mr. Masaki, would you say that my client's intentions or actions are malicious in nature?" Ranma asked, striding back in forth in front of the witness stand.  
"No. Not at all," Tenchi admitted.  
"So you don't believe that my client intended to harm, embarrass, or offend you?"  
Tenchi rolled his eyes. "I don't believe those were her intentions, no."  
Ranma nodded. "So, do you believe that my client had your interests in mind when she... pressed her affections on the night in question?"  
Tenchi was about to answer when his lawyer stood up. "Objection, your honor."  
Ranma turned and blinked. "What kind of objection?"  
Alucard smirked. "This questioning isn't going anywhere fast, and it's really, really boring."  
Ranma's face darkened. "That's the biggest load of bull-"  
"Sustained," Frieza ruled, yawning. Ranma facefaulted.  
The pigtailed lawyer sighed wearily as he stood up. "Fine. Nothing further, then."  
He was about to leave, when he heard Tenchi whisper something at him. "Huh?"  
Tenchi coughed discreetly into his fist, and smoothly slid a thin envelope into Ranma's hand.  
Ranma stared oddly at the young man, then pocketed the item and returned to his bench.  
  
Genma shook his head as Ranma returned. [It's not looking good at all.]  
A vein popped up on Ryoko's head. "It might help a little if you didn't put that on a sign and then wave it around where everyone can see it!" Then she slumped back in her chair, watching the spectators pour out of the courtroom. "I can't believe this is happening... How could Tenchi do this to me?"  
Ranma's eye twitched. "I think I see your problem." In his hand, he held a note that was found in the envelope Tenchi had given him. Staring forward expressionlessly, he shifted his hand to put it in front of his client.  
[I'm sure we can work out a "settlement"! Meet me after court at the Fujigawa Hotel behind the night club after court! Love, Tenchi] Ryoko's eyes bulged as she stared at the little heart drawn next to the signature.  
Ranma mutely held the envelope upside down. Clink! A small key fell onto desk, attached to a plastic tag that had [216] printed on it.  
"I KNEW IT!!" Ryoko cried, slamming her fists onto the table.  
Ranma sighed. "Well, that clinches it, then. We're in real trouble."  
Genma shook his head as he poured hot water on himself. "There may yet be a way out, boy! We must look for alternative weaknesses!"  
Ranma nodded slowly, thinking deeply.  
"Forget it," Ryoko muttered darkly, "there's only one way out of this case."  
Ranma blinked. "And that would be...?"  
Ryoko held up the hotel key and jingled it about.  
"Over my BROKEN, BLEEDING BODY." Ranma said seriously, narrowing his eyes. "Better throw 'dead' in there, too."  
"Hey, I don't like it either!" Ryoko growled, "But I can't afford to pay a court settlement! I'll have to go cruising through the galaxy stealing and pillaging again to pay it off! And then I might get caught, and I'll have to go to court for the piracy! And then I'll need to steal MORE stuff to pay off those fines!"  
Genma nodded sagely. "Indeed. It's a vicious cycle."  
"Well, I still 'aint doing it. Not with a guy." Then Ranma's eye caught sight of Seras, who was hanging back after her master and client had left, gathering up the paperwork. "But... maybe we're on the right track, here."  
Ryoko and Genma blinked.  
  
Seras struggled to keep all the papers in her arms, as many were haphazardly stapled and ripped, such that the entire stack was an ill-proportioned mess.  
Thus, she was rather surprised when half of the papers were suddenly lifted out of her grasp.  
Ranma smiled at her. "Hey dead babe! Can I give ya a hand?"  
Seras blinked, caught off-guard. "Th-Thank you! Uh... aren't you the head defense lawyer, though?"  
Ranma nodded, grinning. "Yup. No law against helping out pretty young ladies in the opposition, though! I checked!"  
Seras blushed and fidgeted a little, looking away. "W-Well then, I suppose we should get this to M-Master's office..."  
Ranma chuckled. "Hey, hey! No rush! Why don't I buy you a drink first?" Then he grinned. "Or maybe you'd rather just start necking, eh?"  
Seras sweatdropped as Ranma laughed heartily at his own joke.  
"Ha ha ha! Hah hah hah hah hah! Heh heh... heh... nah, I'm just kiddin'. C'mon."  
  
Inu-Yasha raised an eyebrow. "So you made out right in the guy's office?"  
Ranma nodded, then sighed wearily. "Yeah. It was pretty scary."  
His colleague's eyes widened. "What? Did Alucard show up?"  
Ranma shook his head. "It was the undead chick. After she started really getting into it, she sort of lost control of herself and kept lunging for my neck while we were still going at it. I mean, it was pretty good, but I almost died."  
Inu-Yasha shook his head. "You run that risk when you don't use protection, man."  
"At least with STDs you get to finish first," Ranma mumbled.  
The half-demon shrugged. "Whatever. Did you find what you were looking for?"  
Ranma grinned and nodded. "Did I ever! Al writes down all the dirt he can get on his current clients just in case a former opponent hires him for a countersuit, or just general blackmail." He held up a tape. "This is my key to my commission."  
Inu-Yasha grinned back. "You thinking what I'm thinking?"  
Ranma stopped to consider it for a moment. "That scissors definitely beats paper, rock pretty much beats scissors, but there's no way that paper can actually beat rock?"  
The half-demon slowly began to inch away. "Okay, seriously, that's creepy."  
  
Ranma stood up in the court room, and gave a short wave across the room to a blushing Seras before turning toward the judge.  
"Your honor, I would like to show this tape to the court as my final piece of evidence before the case is concluded. I think we'll all find it... very interesting."  
Ranma inserted the tape into a projector on the far side of the room, viewable by both the judge and the spectators' stands.  
  
"What's he up to?" Tenchi asked quietly, frowning.  
"His only chance is to prove that you had the hots for the alien at some point," Alucard said, leaning forward with his chin resting on his wrist. "This should be interesting. Saotome is known for making his move at the last moment."  
"I'll say..." Seras said dreamily, smiling up at the ceiling.  
Alucard and Tenchi stared at her curiously.  
  
"And here we go!" Ranma said, hitting the "play" button.  
An image of a bedroom appeared on the screen.  
What is this place? This isn't my house... Ryoga walked on-screen and looked around the room.  
Well, you said you couldn't tell me where your house was, so I thought we could... take a break from looking. The house isn't going anywhere. We'll just wait until tomorrow.  
  
Ranma looked over to the opposition's bench discreetly, to see Tenchi's eyes bulging as his voice came from the television.  
  
Ryoga shrugged and set his backpack onto the floor. Sounds good to me...  
He began to take off his shirt, when he stopped and looked directly at the camera. Huh? What's a camera doing here? Is that thing on?  
In the background, everyone in the room could clearly hear the sound of Tenchi laughing. Oh, that! Don't worry about it! Just pretend like it's not even here!  
  
Glancing over again, Ranma could see Tenchi talking to Alucard in a panic. The vampire was frowning deeply.  
  
Ryoga took his shirt off, then sat down on the bed. I guess I shouldn't complain, since you're paying, but if you don't want to pay for a two-bed room, I can camp outside. We don't have to share a bed.  
Oh, don't be silly! It's so cold out there! I don't mind at all!  
Tenchi's assurance was followed by a shuffling sound.  
Ryoga blinked. Uh... what's with the getup?  
  
Ranma smirked slightly as Tenchi's argument with his attorney became more heated.  
Then he reached out toward the VCR and pressed "pause" freezing the image just as a black leather gauntlet holding a rolled-up bullwhip moved onto the screen from off-camera.  
Frieza blinked. "What? Is that all?"  
Ranma shook his head. "No, your honor. I just thought I'd give the plaintiff a chance to consider his position before I continue."  
Looking over at the plaintiff's bench, Ranma could see that Tenchi was just about having a heart attack.  
"Objection!" Alucard shouted, standing up. "The contents of this tape are completely irrelevant to this case!"  
Ranma blinked. "Well, you'd have to see the whole thing to determine that. The interesting part is coming up."  
Frieza nodded. "Overruled. Go ahead."  
"NO!! STOP!!" Tenchi shouted, jumping up. "I WITHDRAW MY GRIEVANCE!! DROP THE CHARGES!! WHATEVER THE HELL LEGAL JARGON YOU PEOPLE USE!!"  
Frieza raised an eyebrow. "Really, now?"  
Alucard stood up. "You're honor, the defense has-GACK!" The vampire's complaint was cut off as his client suddenly grabbed him around the neck and began to choke him.  
"YES!! The case is withdrawn! We give up!" Tenchi shouted, strangling the undead creation as he yelled.  
The judge rolled his eyes as he watched the Juraiin prince throttle his attorney. "Great. To think I could have spent all this time playing Nintendo..." He aimed a palm at the roof. "Case dismissed!" BLAMMO!!  
  
Ranma grinned and ejected the tape, throwing it on the floor and smashing it with his foot. "Another case, another victory. DAMN I'm good!"  
"You sure are," Ryoko said brightly putting a hand on his shoulder. "By the way, remember how I said that I can't afford to pay a court settlement because I have no cash?"  
Ranma nodded.  
"As it turns out, I don't have the money to pay for your fee, either," Ryoko said apologetically. Then she put her hand on his other shoulder, and pulled him a little closer. "So I was wondering if I could pay you off... another way?" Her seductive smile had a bit of a twitch to it. "You know, since it turns out my would-be boyfriend's a fruit."  
"Not that there's anything wrong with that!" Ranma quickly added.  
Ryoko snorted. "Normally I'd agree, but I'm actually feeling kind of bitter about it right now."  
Ranma shook his head slowly, considering. "Well... I GUESS we can work something out..." 'God I love my job.'  
  
Across the room, Genma splashed himself over the head with a bucket of water. [To be continued?]  
  
Case 3 [Closed] 


	4. Case 4

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law  
the continuation of the sequel of the small continuity detailing a huge disaster  
by Black Dragon

Ranma Saotome cannot be stopped! Even though I do not own Ranma! EVEN THOUGH I USE LOTS OF CHARACTERS THAT ARE COPYRIGHTED BY OTHER PEOPLE!!  
On that note, I have just come to the startling realization that this "series" contains no original main characters. Odd.

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law  
Case 4

"No... please... I... I can't!" Tears leaked out of Vash's eyes as he shakily aimed his gun at Legato's temple, the man's sterile, piercing gaze taunting the gentle gunman.  
The blond man glanced behind him, and more sweat rolled down his forehead as he saw Milly and Merril struggling against the crowd of townspeople under Legato's control. Two of the hapless civilians stumbled forward carrying pitchforks, and moved to stab the trapped women.  
"Stop this! Please!"  
Vash trembled as his emotions raged through his mind, out of control... behind him, Milly Thompson emitted a particularly high-pitched whimper that struck a final chord in his heart.  
And then, finally, he applied a bit of pressure to the trigger under his finger.  
Blam!

Meanwhile, on a rock outcropping just above the grisly scene, a single man smiled evilly.  
"Oh yes... I have you now..."

"Mwa ha ha! My bonus came through! Finally! Bless your pitiful vision, Mousse, you probably never even knew what you were signing!" Ranma cackled gleefully and waved an envelope up in the air.  
Shampoo, who was sitting atop Ranma's desk, picked up one of the bottles sitting on the tray beside her. "Is heated sake?"  
Ranma nodded as he leaned back in his leather chair. "Yup. I was going to go for champagne. But the eva statue made of precious metals just seemed gaudy enough, you know?"  
Shampoo stared at the bottle, then smirked at him. "If hot liquid, mean I no change to cat."  
Ranma stared back at her. "......... I don't follow."  
His secretary giggled adorably, then dumped one of the bottles over her chest, causing her white cotton work shirt to cling to her torso and become much easier to see through.  
"Ah. I see." Ranma scratched his head thoughtfully. "And while I'm highly aroused, I feel the need to point out that you just wasted a whole bottle of relatively expensive alcohol."  
Still smiling seductively, Shampoo leaned backward over Ranma's desk while tugging on the collar of her shirt. "If Ranma want, Ranma come get!"  
The pigtailed attorney grinned. "Well now, I like where this is going!" 

SMASH!!  
A vein popped up on Ranma's head as his hand froze just inches away from Shampoo's luscious body. "Doesn't ANYONE around here know how to knock?!" He turned away from the clerical Amazon and glared at Inu-Yasha.  
The half-demon snorted as he lifted the Tetsusaiga out of the shattered mess that it had made out of Ranma's office door. "Well, I would have had your secretary announce me, but she wasn't......" he trailed off as his brain finally finished processing the scene before him. "... Oh. So that's why..."  
Ranma's left eyebrow twitched as he slumped back into his chair, away from the curvaceous and annoyed woman on his desk. "What do you want, anyway?"  
Inu-Yasha sheathed his oversized blade and strode forward toward the pigtailed lawyer. "Ranma... I need a favor."  
Ranma twitched again. "Then you should have put some thought into it before you smashed down my door like that."  
Inu-Yasha nodded begrudgingly. "Yes, in hindsight, that would have helped my case." Then he walked up and slammed his hands down onto Ranma's desk. "Howe-"  
Crash! "Aiyah!" Thud!  
Ranma and Inu-Yasha sweatdropped as the whole desk buckled under the half-demon's strength, spilling both Ranma's sake and his secretary onto the floor in the midst of a mess of splinters.  
"Uh... okay... I'll tell you what. I'll buy you a new desk, okay?"  
"Of COURSE you're going to buy me a new desk, numbskull!" Ranma seethed.  
"AND you buy Shampoo new dress, too!" The Amazon said angrily, standing up shakily as sake dripped from her clothes.  
"Pfft. Why don't I just buy you a can of spraypaint instead? It's more tasteful than most of your wardrobe anyway." Inu-Yasha said, rolling his eyes.  
Ranma massaged his forehead as his secretary prepared to attack his colleague. "Yo! Yasha!! What do you WANT?!"  
Inu-Yasha blinked, then smacked a fist into his palm. "Oh yeah! I want you to take over a criminal case for me!"  
[Oh? What kind of case?]  
"WAH!! Pops?!" Ranma jerked back as a panda head and accompanying sign popped out from behind his Eva statue.  
Inu-Yasha ignored Ranma in favor of the cursed animal. "Oh, nothing special. Just a murder trial, that's all. You know, typical criminal case..."  
Genma raised a furry eyebrow. [Then why do you want Ranma to do it for you? Seems like easy money.]  
The half demon began to sweat slightly. "Oh, well, it is, it's just that, uh, I'm, uhm, really busy right now, so..."  
Genma's eyes narrowed, and he pulled out another sign. [Yeah, right. Give us the truth!]  
"You can't HANDLE the truth!" Inu-Yasha shouted, pointing at the cursed panda.  
Genma pulled out another sign to continue the sad and pointless continuation of derivative comedy, but had it swiftly snatched out of his paw.  
Ranma held the sign up high, gritting his teeth. "Pop, what the HELL were you doing hiding in my office?!"  
Genma blinked, then rolled over onto his back and rocked back and forth. [I'm just a cute little panda!] Flip [Who certainly wasn't watching you make out with your secretary!]  
An aura blossomed around Ranma's form. "You old sicko! Your own son!"  
[Wait! It wasn't like that! I'm just trying to pick up some tips, really!] Wham! [OW!!]  
"You're MARRIED, you old bastard!! You don't need to 'pick up tips'!!" Thwack! Pow! 

Shampoo and Inu-Yasha sweatdropped as they watched the beating in morbid fascination.  
"Well, this is wrong in all sorts of ways," Inu-Yasha muttered, unable to tear his eyes away from the violence.  
Shampoo sighed and nodded. "At least Moroboshi boy not manage plant video camera in office like last time." That had been both a humiliating incident and a horribly complicated workman's comp issue.  
'Or maybe he just got better at hiding it,' Inu-Yasha thought to himself, glancing at a well-concealed lens that didn't quite escape his superior vision. "Whatever. You should probably go wash up; you're starting to smell like Friday night happy hour."  
Giving the dog-man a final, searing glare, Shampoo stomped out of the office in a huff, leaving Inu-Yasha watching the Saotome wrestling match himself.  
"So Thwack! what is Crack! this case Wham! all about Thud! anyway?"  
Sweatdropping, Inu-Yasha scratched his head as he recalled the details. "Urm... let's see... this guy named Vash the Stampede shot this other guy in the head... multiple witnesses... good character witnesses though, say the guy's half hero, half sissy pacifist... uh, and the actual story is that this guy Vash was forced to shoot the guy, otherwise two women would have been killed."  
"Okay!" Whump! Ranma grunted as he lifted the bulky panda over his head, and then turned toward the window. "Have a nice flight Pops!" Crash!  
Another sweatdrop rolled down Inu-Yasha's head as he looked at the cracked plaster outlining Genma's cursed form. "Uh... you missed."  
"Yeah, well, I'm kinda tired," Ranma muttered, sitting back down wearily. "So what's up with this case? Doesn't sound that bad at all to me. You up against a tough prosecutor?"  
The half-demon shrugged. "Got me. I don't know who the opposing guy is."  
Ranma scratched his head. "Then what's the deal? Why do you want me to handle it?"  
"Eh heh heh..." Inu-Yasha chuckled nervously. "I, uh, well... there's just a... certain situation with the client that's... well... it seems to be the kind of thing you deal with much better than I do."  
Ranma frowned at him.  
Getting impatient, Inu-Yasha grit his teeth and crossed his arms over his chest. "Look, why don't you just get your little Magic 8 Ball and ask that? We all know that's how you make all your important decisions anyway!"  
Ranma nodded reluctantly. "Yes, that's true. Okay then."  
Reaching under his desk, Ranma brought out the small plastic sphere, then shook it in the air as he closed his eyes in concentration. "Oh, great Magic 8 Ball of the KB Toys 50% off liquidation sale! Tell me, oh oracle, should I take the case that is being offered to me?"  
The pigtailed lawyer looked down at the small viewing window as blue bubbles swarmed all around.  
[Just shut up and say yes, you nitwit.]  
Ranma blinked. "Uh... okay... I guess that means yes."  
He became slightly worried as Inu-Yasha suddenly collapsed onto his knees, his hands clasped together.  
"Oh, thank you! Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!"  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Er... you're welcome."  
Inu-Yasha bolted upright and strode out of the office happily. "You wait right here! I'll have your new client in here in a few minutes!"  
Ranma frowned as his colleague left the room. "You know, I'm starting to get sort of a bad feeling about this."  
[Well it's about time!] Genma signed, pulling himself out of the plaster. [You've just been had, fool!]  
The pigtailed attorney snorted. "What do you mean? We checked it out on the ball!" He picked the item up and held it in front of him. "The Magic 8 Ball oracle is... hm?" Ranma stopped talking as he noted a small inscription under the viewing window on the novelty item. "Wait! This is a Magic **HATE** Ball!"  
[WHAT?!?!] Genma signed, looking panicked. [Dammit! We used the wrong plot device!]  
The window on the ball bubbled slightly before a message appeared. [Way to piece it together, DICK!]  
"This... is not going to go well..." Ranma mumbled.  
"It had BETTER go well!"  
"GYAH!!" Ranma jerked back in surprise as Mousse jumped out from behind his Eva statue. "What the hell?! You were watching us too?!"  
Mousse blinked. "Watching you? Watching you do what?"  
Ranma frowned. "Oh. Right. The blind thing." Then he crossed his arms over his chest. "So what were you doing back there?"  
"Waiting for the best time to jump out and yell at you."  
[He's ALWAYS back there.] Genma signed, rolling his eyes.  
Mousse chuckled evilly. "This case was going to determine whether or not Inu-Yasha gets his bonus. But since he opted out, it's your problem now!" Grinning, the executive pointed dramatically at the Eva statue he had just been hiding behind. "Ranma Saotome, win this next case for our law firm, or you're fired!"  
Ranma blinked. "Fired? For what?! I do just as good a job as anyone else in this lousy firm! You can't fire me for losing one stupid case!"  
"True, I suppose," Mousse admitted. "Luckily, I've been doing a little spywork around your office..."  
Ranma swallowed. 'Oh, hell...'  
Mousse grinned and stalked closer to the statue, pointing at its nose. "And while I respect your right to privacy-Ha! As if-I will NOT tolerate sleeping on the job!"  
Ranma bigsweated. "Now wait a minute! That was... that... was..." he trailed off. "That... was... not me. I don't sleep on the job." He glanced toward the panda near the wall. "Pops does though. You're probably thinking about him."  
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," Mousse said, addressing a potted plant. "I can't tell the two of you apart from three feet away anyway, so it's my call. Win the case or find a new job! Mwa ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!"  
Laughing gleefully, Mousse walked toward the exit, and then turned to walk back behind Ranma's Eva statue.  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Don't you have anything better to do?"  
Mousse's head popped out to the side of the statue. "No, not really. Doing this is my only objective for this quarter other than completing your performance review."  
"I see," Ranma muttered. "Go back to the spying thing."

"And that's the whole story," Vash mumbled, twiddling his fingers as he stared down at the floor sadly.  
Ranma nodded. "I see. So you were forced to kill this sap in order to save innocent lives." Slowly, Ranma smirked. "Vash, my friend, you're not a murderer! You're a HERO!!"  
The blond gunman snorted. "A 'hero'? Right. A hero would have found some other way."  
"Yeah, whatever," Ranma said dismissively. "My point is, this is NOT YOUR FAULT! You are a warrior for justice and truth, and so long as there's decency and common sense in this world, there's no way you'll be convicted for this!"  
Vash flinched. "Maybe... Maybe I SHOULD be."  
Ranma smiled brightly. "That's the spirit!" Then the gunman's words registered. "Wait, what?"  
The blond man looked close to tears as he clenched his hands into fists. "What... What am I doing here? Turning to lawyers to try and escape my proper punishment... how low can I go?!"  
Ranma blinked. 'Uh oh...' "Whoa, hold on there! I just told you it wasn't your fault!"  
"Oh, and that makes it true?!" Vash yelled, tears now flowing freely. "I aimed the gun! I pulled the trigger!"  
"You were forced to do it!" Ranma shouted desperately. "You saved innocent lives!"  
"And that makes it okay?" Vash challenged.  
"YES, GODDAMMIT!!"  
"No, it's not!" Vash cried, clutching his head. "I'm through wallowing in self-pity and irresponsibility! Change my plea from innocent to guilty!"  
"Gah! No!" Ranma stood up and grabbed the blond man by the front of his red trench coat. "Snap out of it, fool!" Smack!  
Vash stopped blubbering, and hung mostly limp as Ranma held him up by his coat.  
"Okay... calm down..." Ranma said gently, trying to control his own excitement at having his client turn on him. "Now. We're going to court tomorrow. We are going to lay out the evidence, explain the facts, and after that, a panel of thirteen dimwits who couldn't manage to get out of jury duty are going to decide, once and for all, whether you're in the wrong or not. Okay?"  
Vash sniffled slightly. "Okay..." He mumbled quietly.  
Ranma let out a deep breath, and slowly let go of his client.  
The blond gunman looked down in embarrassment for a moment, then looked up again. "But what abou-"  
"Nah ah ah!!" Ranma shouted, quickly shoving Vash out the door. "Court! Tomorrow! Justice! Out!" Shove! Slam! 

The pigtailed attorney let out another long breath after his client was out the door. "No wonder dog-boy didn't want to bet his bonus on that dork. Guy has serious conscience issues." Then he scowled. "And now my job is on the line! That little fleabag is going to pay for this!"  
"Ah-HA!!"  
Ranma jumped in surprise as Mousse's voice came from behind him.  
"Sleeping on the job again, eh Ranma? Well, you can be sure that if I ever get around to your performance review, I'll be remembering THIS little incident!"  
Ranma sweatdropped as the bulk of sleeping panda that Mousse was addressing simply raised a sign into the air with several "Z"s on it.  
"I wonder if our competitors are hiring this quarter..."

"Vash! Buddy! You made it!"  
Ranma greeted his client as the gunman stumbled into the court room, looking like death warmed over. There were bags under his eyes, he was slumped over as he walked, and his hair, which usually stood straight up, was even less neat, with needle-like blond strands sticking out every which way.  
Ranma frowned. "Didn't I tell you to dress a little more formally? Defendants really shouldn't come to their trials wearing trench coats the color of fresh blood." Then he looked down at the man's belt, and a vein popped up on his head. "And for the love of Takahashi, give me that gun!"  
"But-But it's my gun!" Vash protested as Ranma snatched the weapon away.  
"It's evidence, you numbskull!" Ranma irritably put the firearm on the desk in front of him as people began filing into the courtroom.  
"So... about what you were saying before, about this whole thing not being my fault..." Vash began slowly.  
"Don't start," Ranma interrupted, shuffling through some papers on his desk in preparation for the case. "Let's see now. The judge is-"  
"Ooh! Ooh! I know this one! Me! I'm the judge!"  
Ranma blinked, then slowly raised his head up toward the judge's stand to see Gourry Gabriev waving a hand in the air gleefully.  
Below the swordsman, Zelgadis staggered forward in surprise. "Damn it! Gourry, you're supposed to wait back there until you're announced!"  
"But it's boring back there!" Gourry complained, tugging on his black robe. Then he turned back toward Ranma. "Hi Ranma! Good luck with the trial! I hope you win!"  
Zelgadis grimaced. "If my head weren't made of stone, I'm sure it would be aching right now..." 

Shrugging his shoulders, Ranma leaned back in his chair. "Okay then. Judge is here, so that means the only person who still needs to show up is..."  
He turned toward the entrance slowly, his anticipation building.  
Bam! [Sorry I'm late!] A large panda bear wearing a black business tie barged through the double-door entrance to the courtroom, holding an apologetic sign in front of him.  
A vein popped up on Ranma's head. "I wasn't talking about you, you useless lump of fur!" Scowling, he slumped back into his chair. "So the prosecuting attorney never interviewed you? Never sought you out at all?" He asked Vash skeptically.  
The blond man shook his head. "Nope. I was never asked any questions by anyone except Inu-Yasha, and then you."  
Suddenly, Genma leaned in and shoved a sign in the way. [I've heard a few things...]  
"Really? You heard who the prosecutor is?" Ranma asked, surprised.  
[I heard that...]  
Ranma, Vash, and even Gourry, who forgot that he knew who the prosecutor was, leaned forward as Genma flipped the sign around.  
[It's a secret!]  
The three men sweatdropped.  
Ranma leaned back again and rolled his eyes. "Oh. So it's him."  
Vash blinked. "Him? Him who? You know who he is?"  
"Oh. Right. I forgot." Gourry murmured. Then he shrugged. "Well, this should be interesting, at least."  
"What? Why? What's going on?!" Vash cried, terribly confused.  
Shoom! The gunman jumped as a heavy noise came from above, followed by all the court room lights failing.  
"What?! What's happening now?!"  
"Hey, would you chill out?" Ranma chastised. "Just wait."  
Voosh! Within moments after Ranma finished speaking, a thick column of light appeared over the jury box, engulfing one of the men completely before he even knew what was happening.  
Shang! All at once the column broke apart into hundreds of disintegrating light fragments, leaving behind a single robed figure in the space where the hapless juror had been.  
The figure looked up, and his gleeful smile, which seemed to be a permanent feature of his face, grew ever so slightly. After brushing back his short, purple hair, Xellos grabbed the collar of his robe and tore the garment off, revealing a regular black business suit, and leaving only his gem-ornamented mage staff to ruin the otherwise very professional ensemble.  
Vash looked worriedly around the courtroom as Xellos left the juror stands. "Uh... where's that other guy?"  
Ranma blinked. "What other guy?"  
"The juror!" Vash said impatiently. "What happened to the guy under the light?"  
Ranma just rolled his eyes. "Let it go, you big baby." 

Gourry waited for Xellos to take his bench. "You're late."  
"And you're early," the demon mage countered, still smiling.  
"Damn, he's right!" Gourry murmured. "Okay then, go ahead and give the opening thingies. You first, Xellos."  
"As you wish, your honor." Xellos said, summoning a briefcase from nowhere. Then he began to hum to himself as he opened it and pulled out, of all things, a black top hat, seemingly unconscious of the curious stares of the entire room.  
Then he walked out in front of the judge's bench, before turning to face the jury box, still holding the hat upside-down in one hand.  
Then he plunged his hand inside the hat. "Look! A bunny!"  
The entire courtroom sweatdropped as Xellos' hand lifted from within the hat clutching an adult rabbit around the ears. Well, the entire courtroom except for the jurors and Gourry, who began to clap excitedly.  
"What... What is this?" Vash asked, slack-jawed.  
"This... is fairly normal for this court district," Ranma said neutrally, drumming his fingers on the desk.  
All of a sudden, the rabbit in Xellos' hand began to twitch mightily, and its eyes turned from black to blood red.  
"GREEEEEEEAAAAAH!!" Without further warning, the vorpal bunny flung itself from the demon mage's grip, and dove into the jury box, immediately attaching itself to one man's neck.  
"AAAAAH!!! IT'S GOT ME!! IT'S-Grk! Gack!"  
Vash's eyes widened in horror. "Oh my God!! It... It just killed that man!!"  
"It sure did," Ranma mumbled. Then he stood up. "Objection, your honor! If the prosecution continues this manner of conduct, it is only a matter of time before a detailed description of the carnage is required to maintain whatever integrity this scene could possibly salvage, possibly threatening this series' PG-13 rating!"  
Gourry blinked, then shrugged. "Okay, sure. I'll buy that." Then he pointed at Xellos. "Stop the evil bunny, all right?"  
Xellos nodded again, still smiling. "Of course, your honor." Then he raised one hand and snapped his fingers.  
BLAMMO!!! The killer rabbit detonated violently at the command, and the juror directly behind the recently decapitated man let out a strangled scream before he was swept up in the heat of the otherwordly explosion and incinerated.  
"AAAAH!! There goes another one!" Vash cried, pointing to the jury box.  
Ranma whistled. "Wow. I haven't even given my opening statement yet, and we're already down to ten jurors. This HAS to be some kind of record."  
"Speaking of which," Gourry began, turning toward Ranma, "Xellos gave his opening statement. Are you ready to give yours?"  
"Just a sec." Ranma ducked under his desk for a moment, and Vash watched curiously as the attorney pulled out a large burlap bag.  
"Um... what are you doing?"  
"Fighting fire with fire," Ranma answered, smirking. "Part of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Legal Combat is adapting to your enemy's techniques and using them against him!"  
Vash thought about this for a moment, then quickly stopped as his head started throbbing.  
Ranma dragged the bag out with him to the center of the court room, and then cleared his throat.  
"Hey! Look what I can do!" Then he reached into the bag and pulled out eight wooden batons, immediately throwing them into the air.  
Crash! "What the hell is this?!" Vash exclaimed, facefaulting at the sight of Ranma juggling. The rest of the court wasn't nearly so harsh, and there was scattered applause for the display of dexterity.  
"Your honor," Ranma began, still looking up in the air as he juggled the batons, "I stand before you today to plead on behalf of Vash the... er... well, Vash. A man who has suffered much. A man with an unfortunate history and reputation not befitting of his gentle demeanor and complete sissiness. And besides all that, I can juggle ten batons at once!" Using his feet, the pigtailed lawyer flipped two more of the items into the air, seamlessly integrating them into the arch of flying wood.  
Gourry nodded. "Yes... I think I see where you're coming from..." In the jury box, the assorted men and women nodded approvingly.  
"You see, the greater problem here isn't that my client ALLEGEDLY shot a man in the head, it's that unfortunate circumstances have plagued him throughout his life, forcing him to do unpopular things, like inadvertently lead groups of raiders into town, destroy a city or two, and blow a big-ass hole in the moon. This supposed 'murder' is yet another unfortunate scenario where my client did everything in his power to preserve as many lives as possible, and DID SO, at the mere cost of one measly jerk who nobody really cares about. Not only that, but I can juggle these batons while they're ON FIRE!!"  
Momentarily grabbing the items out of the air, five in each hand, Ranma activated a switch on each base, causing the baton heads to ignite instantaneously. 

Xellos raised an eyebrow as the entire court room erupted into cheers and applause, and then he grinned.  
'Well now. At last, a worthy challenge. This should be quite amusing...'

"Now Mister Wolfwood," Ranma began, pacing back and forth in front of the witness stand, "describe my client's personality, in your own words, if you could."  
The thin, scruffy-looking priest scratched his head for a moment, and then adjusted the huge metal cross over his shoulder before speaking again. "Well... the thing about Vash is... he's a pacifist. And not one of those 'people may kill each other, but just leave me out of it' pacifists either. The guy'll jump into any fight he sees to try and keep anyone from being killed. Hell, the dork wouldn't even let me kill these giant worms that were attacking us."  
Ranma nodded. "I see. Do you believe there are any circumstances under which he might kill someone?"  
Wolfwood frowned. "Well... I dunno..." Still musing over the question, the priest hit a button on the side of his cross, opening a compartment holding a Styrofoam cup. After a moment, steaming hot coffee began to pour into it.  
"I don't really know him well enough to say." Wolfwood finally admitted, removing the cup of coffee from his weapon and taking a sip. "If there is something bad enough to make him kill someone, I sure don't know what it is."  
Ranma nodded again. "Very well. My client has a... reputation for being a heinous and merciless killer. Would you say that this reputation is inappropriate?"  
Wolfwood grinned. "Yeah, I'd have to-"  
"Objection, your honor!" Xellos shouted, standing up as he cut off Wolfwood's answer.  
Gourry blinked. "On what grounds?"  
"I must ask that the court and jury disregard all testimony made by the witness, on account that the witness is dead." Xellos grinned.  
Wolfwood twitched. "Aw, hell..." Poof!  
Then he disappeared, leaving his multi-purpose cross to fall heavily onto the floor behind the witness stand.  
As Ranma cursed, Xellos turned and pointed toward the jury box, jabbing a finger toward one of the jurors at random. "Also, you're dead too."  
The woman blinked. "I am?" Poof! 

Vash gaped and pointed a shaking hand at the persecuting attorney. "There! He did it again!! He keeps killing those people!"  
Next to him, Genma turned his head away before raising a sign. [I didn't see anything. Must be your imagination.] 

"Mr. Saotome, do you have anything else?" Gourry asked, looking bored as he played with his gavel.  
Ranma nodded. "Yes, your honor. I'd like to call Vash the Sta... er... Vash to the stand!" 

Zelgadis placed the bible on the front of the witness stand as Vash took his position inside.  
"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, one nation indivisible, under God, to have and to hold, till death do us part?"  
Vash blinked. "What? What was-"  
"Would you just say yes? We all know you're going to lie anyway," Gourry said impatiently.  
"Er, um, then, uh, I do...?" Vash guessed, sweating heavily.  
Zelgadis promptly turned away, and Ranma approached the witness stand.  
"All right, Mr. Vash. Describe for the court the events that led up to the death of Mr. Legato," Ranma requested somberly, bowing his head.  
Vash sighed miserably, then spoke. "Well, after I pulled the trigger, the hammer was released, striking the firing pin, which stuck the ignition cell of the bullet, causing the gunpowder to drive the bullet-"  
Ranma quickly reached over the stand to cover Vash's mouth with his hand. "That is NOT what I meant!" He grit his teeth, trying to calm himself. "Tell the court about the events the **preceded** the firing of any weapons that may or may not have been directly related to the ceasation of living by Mr. Legato."  
Vash trembled slightly, growing angry. "There you go again with that legalese double-talk! I fired the gun! The gun launched the bullet! The bullet killed that man!"  
Ranma bristled. "That kind of statement is NOT in the best interests of your defense!"  
"I did it! I killed him!" Vash cried, standing up suddenly. "Any attempt to prove my innocence is a farce! I'm a murderer! I-" Thud!  
Vash's confessional rant was cut short as Ranma tackled him in a panic, slamming the both of them to the floor behind the witness booth where the combat-intensive attorney made quick work of subduing his client.  
Gourry sweatdropped. "Is something the matter, Saotome?"  
Ranma finished tying the gag around Vash's mouth, and then wiped the sweat from his forehead, breathing heavily. "Your honor, I ask that the court disregard my clients statements just now, as he is currently in a state of... uh... delusional paranoia. Or something."  
Gourry blinked, then nodded slowly. "I see... so, are you changing the plea to insanity now?"  
Ranma sighed in frustration and shook his head. "No, no, he's not crazy, he's just stupid."  
"Ah. Okay then." Gourry turned toward Xellos. "Do you have anything you want to say?"  
Xellos stood up. "Yes, I do. _Flare arrow_!" Orange mana coalesced into the palm of his hand, and a moment later, a lance of fire blasted toward the jury box, striking and disintegrating one of the men.  
Gourry frowned. "I meant, like, about the case. Do you want to cross-examine the defendant?"  
"Oh. No thank you. However..." Xellos stood up and began rifling around in his pockets. "Now seems like as good a time as any to actually present my case."  
"Damn!" Ranma cursed, "I guess this isn't going to be as easy as I thought." 

Xellos whistled to himself as he strolled up to a television display in the corner of the court room, and then pulled out a video tape from his pocket. "This is the end of Trigun episode 24. Observe."  
Click! Whrrrrr...  
No! Please... I... I can't! 

Ranma held his hands over his face as the video played over the incident in question.  
'Okay... I can recover from this. I can get through this. Things are gonna be okay.'  
"Growf!" Genma rummaged behind him for a moment, then pulled out a length of rope that was tied into a noose.  
Ranma grit his teeth. "You are NOT helping, Pop!" He growled, shoving the cursed beast away from him. "And besides... I don't like this job THAT much."  
[That's good then. You won't miss this one too much.] Genma sighed, grinning best he could as a panda bear.  
Ranma twitched. "And why are you giving me such a hard time about this anyway? You're not helping."  
[Mousse promised me your office. And your statue.] Genma replied, honestly. Ranma groaned.

"Please state your name for the record," Ranma stated mechanically, lightly massaging his head.  
"I'm Milly Thompson of the Bernadelli Insurance Company!" The tall brunette said brightly.  
Ranma nodded. "All right Miss Thompson. Please tell us-"  
Ranma's question was interrupted as Xellos shot up. "OBJECTION!!"  
The pigtailed lawyer immediately whirled around. "Oh, no you don't! This one's alive! I checked!"  
Gourry cocked his head to one side. "So, what IS your objection?"  
Xellos thought about it for a moment, then sat down. "Never mind. Please, continue."  
Ranma frowned, then shrugged and turned back to Milly. "Now, Miss Thompson, please describe Mr. Vash best you can. In the sense of his personality."  
Milly blinked, then nodded. "Oh, yes! Mr. Vash is a really nice person, and hates it when people get hurt or put in danger! Sometimes he acts scary, but-"  
"Objection!" Xellos shouted, jumping up again.  
Everyone turned toward him, surprised.  
"......... On second thought, I have no objections. Sorry."  
Ranma twitched, then turned back toward Milly. "Now, Miss Thompson, you were saying?"  
Milly blinked. "I was saying? Saying what?"  
Ranma sighed. "You were saying how my client is a very-"  
"Objection!" Xellos shouted.  
"CUT IT OUT YOU TWIT!!" Ranma yelled, whirling on his opponent.  
Xellos cleared his throat, then stood up. "As Mr. Saotome did not know the defendant prior to this trial being conducted, I cannot allow him to include his own testimony."  
"B-B-But I w-was just repeating what she said!" Ranma stuttered, pointing toward Milly.  
"Ah, I see," Xellos murmured, rubbing his chin. "Objection, your honor. Hearsay."  
Thud! Ranma fell face first onto the ground. "N-Nothing further..."  
Gourry shrugged. "You want to cross-examine, Xellos?"  
The demonic mage nodded, then walked up to the witness stand, his hands clasped behind his back.  
"Now, Miss Milly Thompson... were you present during the death of Legato?"  
Milly gulped. "Uh, yes. You see, I was-"  
"And you saw who killed Legato?" Xellos asked, cutting her off.  
"Well, yes, but-"  
"Very good!" Xellos exclaimed. "Now, if the defendant is innocent, then please point to the man who killed Legato during the conflict in question!"  
"Wh-What?" Milly began to sweat, and trembled slightly as she tried to figure out what to do. "I mean... I... Mr. Vash was... he was just..."  
"You're not pointing," Xellos remarked. "So the defendant is not innocent?"  
"Ack! That's him!" Milly almost jumped as she jabbed a finger at Vash, who hung his head.  
Xellos nodded, grinning. "So he's the one who shot Legato in the head, as shown in exhibit Y, the videotape viewed earlier?"  
"Er, yes... but he's innocent!" Milly insisted.  
Xellos raised an eyebrow. "So he didn't kill Legato?"  
Milly began to sweat again as she scratched her head in confusion. "Well, no, he did kill that man, but-"  
"Well, then I think it's a bit presumptuous to call him innocent, hmm?" The demonic mage shrugged.  
"B-But you said-"  
Unfortunately, Milly was again interrupted, this time by all the lights in the court room spontaneously failing.  
"Hey! What the hell?!"  
"What's going on?!"  
"I can't see!"  
[Hey! That mage guy took out the lights!]  
"Pops, you idiot! We can't read your signs in the dark!"  
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!"  
Click!  
Everybody froze as the room's lighting was restored and then looked about to ensure things were in order. Well, except for Xellos, who was twiddling his thumbs while whistling innocently to himself, and Gourry, who had apparently fallen asleep while the lights were out.  
Vash twitched. "Another juror is gone..."  
Xellos stood up and cleared his throat loudly. "Your honor?"  
"Snrk! Huh? Wha? What is it?" Gourry asked groggily.  
Xellos grinned. "The prosecution rests."  
"Then so does the judge," Gourry mumbled. "We'll finish this tomorrow." Thud! "Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

"Damn it all!" Ranma cursed, rewinding the tape yet again. "There must be something else here! Something that we can use!"  
Inu-Yasha sighed as the video began playing again. "Look, face facts: he DID shoot the guy. All you need to do is prove it was completely justified."  
Ranma grit his teeth. "It's not that easy! Especially when the freaking client himself keeps taking these stupid guilt trips in the middle of questioning! Not to mention that Xellos dip keeps rendering all my other witness testimonies ineffective!"  
The half-demon lawyer nodded sagely. "True. He's a formidable adversary. So then, that leaves just one question..." Inu-Yasha looked up, his expression somewhat bitter. "What am I doing here? I tee off against Integra Hellsing early tomorrow, you know! I don't have time to stay up all night researching with you!"  
Ranma glared at his colleague. "You're HERE because you conned me into taking this case in the first place, you jerk! Now my job is on the line! I'm not going to let you get off easy!"  
"Come on, man!" Inu-Yasha whined, "It's INTEGRA!"  
"Stop complaining," Ranma grumbled as he started to rewind the tape again. "Besides, you'll never get past second base with her, anyway. Nobody does."  
Inu-Yasha blinked. "......... Seriously?"  
"Seriously," Ranma confirmed, again playing the tape, "and even then, she smokes so much that kissing her is like eating an ashtray."  
As his semi-demonic friend began to sulk, Ranma leaned in closer to the television. "Okay, well I found something odd on this tape, but I don't really think it has anything to do with the murder."  
As Inu-Yasha leaned in, Ranma paused the tape and pointed to a spot in the scene. "See right there, on that ledge? You can just barely make out some kind of dark blur."  
Inu-Yasha scratched his head. "What is that thing?"  
Ranma shrugged. "I'm not sure. I guess I could play it on a high-definition TV and then zoom in using the media computer, but I don't see the point of going through the trouble when it doesn't really have anything to do with the murder."  
Then the pigtailed lawyer threw an irritated glance across the media room to where his father was sitting in front of a different television. "Of course, I might actually FIND something if certain people actually helped rather than sitting around on their ass watching TV!"  
Genma raised a sign. [Shhhh! This is pretty good stuff!]  
Ranma twitched. "Pop, you're human now. You don't have to use signs."  
Genma ignored him, instead concentrating on the television. Next to him, Wolfwood's cross laid flat on the floor, a small red light on the front blinking periodically.  
Ding! A bell rang out from the religious-looking weapon, and Genma opened a hatch near the top before removing a bag of microwave popcorn.  
Ranma twitched. "You took that priest's cross?"  
[Not like he needs it anymore. Now shut up, it's starting!]  
The Magruder film has been studied for years by experts all over the country, its many unusual properties and curious implications speculated upon over and over. Who DID assassinate President John F. Kennedy?  
Ranma shook his head as he walked up behind Genma. "Why're you digging around in the archives, anyway? This is all vaguely legal recordings and commentaries."  
Genma shrugged and raised another sign. [Hey, some of this is actually really interesting.]  
"Would you stop using signs?! You can talk!"  
The video continued. However, recent analysis has discovered a unique presence that has so far gone unnoticed. And though its relevance, if any, is questionable, it's yet another lead for paranoid conspiracy theorists to whine about until it eventually reaches its final state of non-importance as yet another quickly forgotten episode of "Unsolved Mysteries".  
The picture on the television suddenly crystalized, and then zoomed in on a single figure off to the side.  
Ranma blinked, then grabbed Inu-Yasha by the sleeve and yanked him over. "Hey Yasha! Take a look at this! Is that who I think it is?"  
Inu-Yasha's eyes widened. "Whoa, it totally is!"  
Then something else clicked in Ranma's head. "Wait a minute... in the video of the murder... that thing we saw up on the ledge..."  
"Whoa! Do you think that could be..." Inu-Yasha trailed off, and he and Ranma descended into deep thought.  
Finally Ranma looked up, and then turned off the television.  
[Hey! I was watching that!] Genma complained via sign.  
"Just shut up Pops! We have a situation!" Ranma frowned deeply. Then he gave a decisive nod. "Get every video you can find that portrays a death. I've got a hunch."

Gourry yawned as Ranma and Xellos took their respective positions, and then slammed his hammer down a few times onto the desk. "This court is now in session... I guess. So... now what?"  
Vash looked at the jury box anxiously. "There are only two of them left! This is insane!"  
Xellos grinned and chuckled slightly. "Yes, well, those two..." Then he stopped, and frowned. "Wait. Only two?" Standing up, he took a long survey of the jury box, and then grimaced.  
"Uh, pardon me your honor, I have... business to attend to before we proceed any further." With that, Xellos quickly teleported away, ignorant and oblivious to Vash's stuttered protests.  
Ranma stood up. "Your honor, I have a final testimony to collect before I conclude my defense."  
Gourry blinked. "Uh... okay. Go for it."  
"Er... well, we sort of need to have the opposing counsel present."  
The blond judge waved it off. "Nah, go ahead. He probably won't even bother to counter it, anyway."  
Ranma sweatdropped slightly. "Uh, no, I REALLY need to have the opposing counsel here."  
As Gourry shrugged, a beam of light appeared behind Xellos' desk, and the demonic mage reappeared. "Sorry about that," he murmured, taking off one of his gloves that was stained with blood. "What'd I miss?"  
Ranma nodded. "I'd like to call Xellos Metallium to the stand!"  
The entire court room did a double-take.  
"You... You want to call the prosecuting attorney?" Vash asked, twitching. "Are you even taking this seriously any more?"  
Ranma snorted. "More seriously than you ever took it, I assure you."  
Gourry looked thoughtful for a moment, then shrugged. "Okay. Go ahead."  
Xellos gave his opponent a curious look, but took his seat at the witness stand and let himself be sworn in. 

Ranma approached the demonic mage slowly, a slight smile on his face. "Mr. Metallium, tell me... where were YOU when the murder of Mr. Legato occurred?"  
Xellos raised an eyebrow. "Well now... I don't really recall."  
Ranma smirked more deeply. "Oh. Well, in that case, let me refresh your memory." The pigtailed attorney snapped his fingers, and after a moment, a disgruntled-looking Genma pushed a large high-definition television through the double-doors leading to the court room.  
Ranma held up a video tape. "I hold in my hand a number of compiled film clips. What I've found is very interesting."  
Placing the video into the VCR, Ranma pulled out a remote control and pressed "Play". Immediately, the image of Vash holding a gun to Legato's head appeared.  
Blam! Thud! Ranma immediately paused the tape as Legato's image slumped to the ground.  
"Now please note that there is another presence in this picture, in this rock outcropping... here." Ranma started up the tape again, and the camera zoomed in on the figure.  
Gourry blinked. "Hey! It's Xellos!"  
Ranma turned toward the demonic mage, who had a few droplets of sweat gathered on his brow. "Care to explain?"  
Xellos took a moment to collect himself, and his image reverted to its normally insanely and relentlessly cheerful state. "Explain what? I was there. I forgot that I was there. That's all. I had no actual CONNECTION with what was going on."  
Ranma nodded slowly. "That so? Are you often present when people die?"  
Xellos grinned. "Well, before I went to law school, it was a pretty big part of my job, really."  
"No, no, no," Ranma shook his head, "I don't mean in your magic fantasy world with dragons and a very poorly designed hierarchy of demons and gods that keep trying to blow up the planet before getting defeated by magic teenagers. I mean the REAL world." Then he grinned. "Let me show you what I mean."  
Ranma pressed the "Play" button again. "This is the Magruder film. This frame is just a few seconds after the shot struck President Kennedy." Then he pointed to a very distinctive purple-haired figure that stood just a little ways from the general crowd. "And there YOU are!"  
Xellos sweatdropped. "Well... a lot of people were there. I happened to be in town, and the president was stopping by, so I thought I'd take a look!"  
Ranma rolled his eyes. "Of course. The next clip is from the video taken during the explosion of the Hindenburg blimp. Here you are off in the distance, grinning at the whole thing."  
Xellos winced as the court room gasped. "Oh, come on!"  
"This next clip is from one of the recordings taken during the bombing of pearl harbor! Here you are out on one of the docks as bombs are flying everywhere!"  
"I was on vacation! Honest!" Xellos shouted desperately.  
"Here we can see you looking through a window inside a tower as planes fly into the World Trade Center!"  
"Urk!"  
"Here's a picture of the collected evidence during the O.J. Simpson trial, including a piece never presented during the proceedings: a wooden staff which has a red sphere clasped at the head!"  
"Oy..."  
"Here you are when the Archduke Ferdinand was assassinated, an incident that sparked World War One!"  
"Wait a minute!" Zelgadis said abruptly, "there is no recording of that assassination!"  
Ranma nodded. "I know. This is a re-creation." Then he jabbed a finger at the television. "And Xellos STILL showed up!"  
"....................."  
"And HERE he is during the assassination of that older brother in 'The Godfather'!"  
Xellos held his face in his hands as sound of machine gun fire blared from the television set.  
"And finally, here he is again... hiding partially behind a column overlooking the table in the painting 'The Last Supper'."  
Xellos winced again. "Never thought THAT would come back to haunt me..."  
Ranma shook his head slowly as he walked away from the television, his hands clasped behind his back. "Your honor, I move that not only is the opposing counsel responsible for the death of Legato, but in fact EVERY major assassination, massacre, and accident for more than 2000 years!"  
Xellos was now sweating heavily and twiddling his thumbs in obvious anxiety.  
Ranma smirked. "Your honor, the defense rests." 

Gourry nodded, then turned toward the two remaining jurors. "So, what do you think?"  
One the men looked surprised. "Aren't we going to convene?"  
"Nah, to be honest, we just want to get this over with quickly."  
The two men adopted expressions of intense thought, and spent several moments in silence.  
Finally, one of them looked up. "Well, personally, I think it's rather preposterous to claim that the prosecuting attorney is responsible for-"  
"_Mouko takabisha_!" Ranma immediately flung a ki blast at the jury box, disintegrating the reluctant juror. The remaining man ducked to the floor. "He's innocent! Innocent! Please don't hurt me!"  
"Innocent it is!" Gourry proclaimed, tapping his desk with his hammer. "C'mon Zel, if we leave now we can still make happy hour!"  
The chimera sighed, but nodded. "I suppose alcohol is about the best I can do right now..." 

Ranma thrust a fist into the air, victorious. "Success! Once again, I overcome all odds!"  
Vash just gaped. "You... You killed that man..."  
Ranma blinked, then adopted a somber expression. "Yes Vash, I did."  
"This... This isn't justice!" The gunman complained. "A murderer goes free, a dozen people are killed for no reason, and everyone just goes on with their lives, satisfied that it's all over and done with?!"  
Ranma shrugged. "Pretty much. That's the U.S. legal system for ya." Then he became more serious and placed a hand upon Vash's shoulder.  
"Look blondie, I just did my job. And my job is NOT to ensure that right prevails over wrong. Nor is it to ensure that the law is carried out, or that evil people are punished." He sighed. "My job is to keep you from serving a lengthy jail sentence at any cost. That's what I do. But... you're right. That's not justice." Smiling slightly, Ranma patted his chest with his hand. "Justice doesn't come from a judge or a lawyer. It comes from within."  
Vash slowly looked up at his lawyer, newfound respect present in his eyes. Then, that image shattered, and the gunman frowned. "Whoa, wait. How does that work?"  
Ranma shrugged. "It doesn't. But I wanted to leave this place on a moral high note, so I thought I'd give it a shot." He stretched, then snatched up his briefcase. "Well, my job is safe. Bill's in the mail, and if you ever end up killing anyone else, or maybe need a lawyer to handle insurance claims or something... for the love of all that's holy, do NOT CALL ME! Ciao."  
As Ranma walked out of the court room, Genma found a bucket of water and promptly turned into a panda.  
"Growf!" [To be continued?] 

Case 4 [Closed] 


	5. Case 5

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law  
the continuation of the sequel of the small continuity detailing a huge disaster that has gone on way too long  
by Black Dragon

Okay, I'll be honest with you all; I'm only writing this because I have six more days to meet my monthly deadline, and these are a lot shorter than the chapter of Guardian I started on. On a different note, why haven't I given up on Disgaea yet? It's taken up almost the entire month's writing time! It takes like an hour to power up a single item! WHY DO I LOVE IT SO?! WHY?!?!

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law  
Case 5

"So in conclusion, our profits for our legal department were steady this quarter, showing an average of 3 growth in profits from our legal proceedings. While acceptable, these profits are absolutely DWARFED by our pastry division, which continues to show a steady 17 growth every quarter, and will soon demand expansion to maximize gains."  
Mousse put down his laser pointer and turned away from the projection of the company's profit charts.  
"I'm not saying we need to enact big changes; we're doing good, and we want to build on that, not disturb it. What we need to do is nurture the... unusual culture we have present in our attorney pool, and attempt to squeeze a little more efficiency out of them without generating waste or hurting morale. I'm asking all company executives to forward suggestions within the next week. The clock is ticking, people, and our stockholders are impatient!"  
Nodding conclusively, Mousse cleared his throat and once again addressed the room in general. "Are there any questions?"  
Ranma raised his hand, his left eyebrow twitching. "Just one: I'm not an executive. Why did I have to attend this meeting?"  
Mousse rolled his eyes. "You'll never get promoted if you don't start taking a greater interest in the company as a whole, Saotome. You should be glad I invited you to this meeting!"  
"I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE!!" Ranma shouted irritably, slamming his hand on the desk in front of him. "And you didn't 'invite' me to this meeting; you just walked into my office and started doing your presentation!" Then he looked at his watch. "During my LUNCH HOUR!!"  
Mousse shook his head condescendingly, causing the pigtailed attorney to grit his teeth in frustration. "Ranma, Ranma, Ranma. When are you going to start thinking about the **future**? About advancement?"  
"When it doesn't mean working alongside YOU," Ranma said bluntly.  
"Whatever." Mousse adjusted his glasses and picked up his laser pointer. "I declare this meeting of Mousse's Law Firm and Olde Style Doughnut Shoppe concluded!"  
"Glad to hear it. Now buzz off." With that, Ranma reached under his desk and pressed a large red button on the underside labeled Boss Exit.  
Splash! Mousse let out a surprised squawk as a trapdoor opened above him, dumping several gallons of relatively cold tap water over his head.  
"Quack!" Mousse began to shake the water from his feathers when he noticed the fake diploma framed on Ranma's wall flip over of its own accord to reveal a poster that said Duck Season in big, bold red letters.  
"Quack?" Mousse said nervously, a feeling of dread overtaking him.  
"Growf!" Was Genma's reply, jumping out from behind Ranma's desk (in panda form of course) wearing a red plaid jacket and matching oversized cap while hoisting a shotgun.  
"Quack! Quack!" The CEO-turned-duck immediately panicked, flapping around wildly as Genma began the herculean task of properly aiming his weapon without the aid of opposable thumbs.  
Not that he let aiming slow him down. BLAM!! BLAM!! BLAM!!

Ignoring the gunshots and incessant squawking, Ranma put his feet up on his desk and opened up a newspaper.  
"Huh... so that Bush guy won again..." Ranma frowned and looked up at the ceiling in thought. "This was an election year?"  
BLAM!! BLAM!! Hey! At least fly around a little! You're harder to hit darting around the office furniture on the floor like that!  
"Huh. I have to read the paper more often." Ranma mused.  
Bzzt! Airen, dog-boy girlfriend here to see you.  
Ranma blinked, then pushed the button on the intercom. "Kagome? Tell her-"  
BLAM!! BLAM!! BLAM!! "QUACK!!" "QUACK!!"  
Gritting his teeth, Ranma turned around and glared at his father. "YO!! Can you PLEASE play the part right and be vewy vewy quiet?! I'm trying to work here!"  
Genma and Mousse winced, and then the former nudged his head toward the door.  
Mousse caught the gesture, gave a small, ducky sigh, and then nodded, following the panda out.  
"Hmph." Ranma pressed the button on the intercom again. "Tell Kagome that Yasha 'aint here. He's probably in his office."  
She say she know. She want see you.  
Ranma blinked. "Tell her that I'm flattered, but I have way too many options open for me to risk my best friend's trust for a girl who's only a B cup."  
There was a brief scuffle at the other end of the intercom, and then it was Kagome who spoke.  
Oh, get over yourself! I'm here on serious business! There was a momentary pause on the other end. And, **FYI**, I'm a small C, alright?!  
Ranma raised an eyebrow and frowned. "Uh huh... riiiiight... Okay, fine, come on in."

Kagome entered Ranma's office looking somewhat put off, and was surprised to see the pigtailed man smiling brightly at her.  
"Hey! Kag-chan! So good to see ya!" Ranma jumped over his desk and gave the surprised young woman a quick hug before placing his hands on her shoulders and holding her at arm's length. "You're looking great, kid! Really good! I tell you, this priestess/archer demon hunter thing is just SO YOU!! That Inu-Yasha is one lucky dog! Ha ha ha!!"  
Kagome sweatdropped. "Uhm... thanks?"  
Ranma nodded. "Well then! That's enough small talk; what the hell are you doing in my office, and how can I get you out?"  
The shikon guardian sighed. "I need a lawyer, Ranma."  
Ranma stared at her blankly for a few moments. "............ And... what? You want me to carry you to Yasha's office or something? Your boyfriend is a lawyer too, you know."  
A vein popped up on Kagome's head, and she found herself feeling quite uncomfortable with the absence of any prayer beads around Ranma's neck with which to punish him at will. "Would you be quiet and listen?!"  
Kagome took a deep breath, and then moved past Ranma to sit in the chair which was usually reserved for clients. "I'd LOVE for Inu-Yasha to work this case. It'd make things a whole lot simpler. But he can't."  
Ranma blinked, and then moved to take his own usual seat, intrigued. "Go on."  
"The trial is about him, you see," Kagome muttered uncomfortably, "so for him to represent either side would be a conflict of interests."  
Ranma blinked again, and then gaped in surprise. "You... You mean..."  
Kagome blinked as well, wondering how Ranma had already managed to figure out her situation with so little information.  
"You mean 'conflict of interest' means you're not allowed to participate in a case?!" Ranma asked in total shock, standing up and leaning over his desk.  
Kagome's expression went flat, and a huge sweatdrop rolled down the side of her head. "Yes. Of course it does."  
"Ah..." The pigtailed lawyer looked up in thought. "I always wondered what that meant exactly... uh... hold on a sec, would you?"  
Quickly digging into one of his drawers, Ranma took out several papers and began writing notes on each one.  
Then he looked up. "Hey, would seducing a judge or the client of my opposition be considered... er... you know, that interest thing?"  
"Uh, yeah, probably," Kagome deadpanned.  
"Damn." Ranma looked down at the pile of papers in the drawer, and then picked up the whole pile and began running them through the shredder, several at a time.  
After about a minute of this, he then took out his day planner and began scribbling out messages and reminders.  
Kagome's sweatdrop grew bigger.  
"There! Done!" Ranma clapped his planner shut and then turned back to his new client. "Well, it would seem that I'm now free for the next... uh," he opened the planner again and looked it over, "four months. So! What's this all about?"  
Kagome shook her head. "It's... it's Kikyo."  
Ranma nodded in understanding. "Ah, yes, the evil ex who never quite got over her man. We've all been there."  
"Hardly," Kagome mumbled irritably, "anyway, now she's taken it to the next level; she's summoned me to court to fight for custody of Inu-Yasha."  
Snort! Ranma had to keep from laughing outright as Kagome spoke, and shook his head condescendingly. "My dear, dear Kag-chan... this case is over already. You CAN'T claim custody of a boyfriend. Or even a husband, for that matter."  
"Well, she's not claiming him as a boyfriend or a husband," Kagome said bitterly, handing Ranma her court summons.  
Raising an eyebrow, Ranma took the summons and quickly scanned it, looking for the critical information.  
He found it fairly quickly, and stared, unmoving, at the sentence he was looking for, his mind unable to fully grasp what was happening.  
".................. She's claiming him as her **pet**?!" Ranma asked finally, slamming the paper down onto his desk.  
Kagome nodded. "The trial starts three days from now; they're holding Inu-Yasha in a local kennel, but I don't think it's good for him to be locked in a tiny cage all the time, especially because I keep getting billed for all the damage he's causing from them trying to keep him there. Seeing how he's your best friend, I was hoping you'd take custody of him, as well as help me keep him away from Kikyo."  
Ranma sighed and massaged his forehead. "All right, all right..." then he stopped to think about the case. "So what does Yasha think about all this?"  
Kagome snorted. "What do you think? He's been going on and on about being treated like property and like a dumb animal and how it's wrong and how this whole trial is an insult."  
Ranma sweatdropped. "And isn't he right?"  
"It doesn't matter!" Kagome yelled, standing up and slamming her palms flat on top of Ranma's desk. "There's no way I'm letting that dead bitch take him! He's mine! And if I have to fill out some damn form that says he's my dog to keep him away from her, then hand me a pen!"  
"Very inspiring," Ranma muttered, looking completely unimpressed. "However, I don't really care about your personal feelings regarding this case. MY personal feelings are that Yasha's absolutely right; this trial is an insult to him, and for you to just accept it and try to win him by fighting Kikyo on her level makes you no better than she is." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I'll take in Yasha until this whole thing blows over, but find someone else to plead your case for you."  
"Is that how you really feel about it?" Kagome asked evenly, surprising Ranma.  
"Er... yeah, pretty much."  
Kagome then withdrew a thick black object a bit bigger than her fist and tossed it on Ranma's desk. "How about now?"  
The pigtailed man looked down at the object. "Is that... Inu-Yasha's wallet?"  
Kagome nodded, barely suppressing a smirk. "I hear he makes more than you. And by coincidence, he had just cashed his last paycheck before the animal control people tranquilized him and carried him off." Not able to resist any more, she smirked. "I won't bother asking what your fee is. Take the case and it's yours."  
Looking somewhat uncertain, Ranma picked up the black leather case and opened it up, sticking his fingers in to poke through the bills and check their various values.  
"Screw the Magic 8 Ball! I'll take the case!"

Kagome fidgeted in her seat as Ranma waited patiently next to her, awaiting the arrival of the opposition.  
"I dunno Ranma... I'm kind of nervous about this sort of thing..."  
Ranma sighed. "Kag, don't worry about it, alright? It's gonna be fine. It's just some civilized discussion and discourse before the actual fight. Think of it as a parley before a major battle."  
Inu-Yasha twitched. "I don't see why I have to be here... especially like **this**."  
Ranma sighed and picked up the leash that was attached to the collar Inu-Yasha wore as he crouched down on the floor.  
"Yasha, we've already been through this; since the prayer beads are a symbol of ownership by Kagome, they had to be removed before the trial proceeded. And since I'm not allowed to let you out of my sight and you DO have a long history of agressive behavior, I have to keep you on a leash as well."  
Then Ranma leaned over and patted his friend on the head. "But believe me when I say I don't enjoy depriving you of your freedom any more than you enjoy being deprived of it."  
"Then why did you pay extra for a choke collar?" Inu-Yasha growled.  
"So I can do this," Ranma said, pulling back on the leash. "Shut up, boy."  
"Gerk!"  
"OHOHOHOHO!! I see we're all here!"

A shudder passed through Ranma's body, and he, Kagome, and Inu-Yasha all turned toward the meeting room entrance.  
Ranma was terribly relieved to see that the person following Kikyo into the room wasn't, in fact, his long-time suitor Kodachi, but a far more well-endowed woman in an unusually revealing black business suit with, of all things, a skull amulet around her neck.  
Under normal circumstances, Ranma would have began mentally undressing a woman with such a great body immediately, but something about the woman (quite possibly her laugh) drove a chill down his spine whenever he looked at her.  
"Hello Inu-Yasha," Kikyo intoned neutrally, sitting down across from Kagome while ignoring her reincarnation's presence entirely, "it's good to see you again."  
"The feeling isn't mutual," the half-demon groused, idly fingering his choke collar. "Let's hurry up and get this over with; Ranma still hasn't walked me this morning."  
"Don't worry, this won't take long," the woman who was obviously the attorney grinned as she sat down, flipping her long, black hair out over the backrest of the chair. "Allow me to introduce myself! I'm Lina Inverse's rival in law, Naga the White Briefcase! OHOHOHOHOHO!!"  
Ranma blinked. "Lina Inverse? I thought she was a judge, not a lawyer."  
Naga stopped laughing and twitched. "She... she is, actually."  
"How can an attorney be a judge's rival?"  
"Because I say so!" Naga retorted angrily.  
"I don't care about that," Kagome said, her eyes narrowing, "but why is your briefcase black?"  
The sorceress blinked. "Hm? I don't understand."  
"You call yourself the 'White Briefcase', but your briefcase isn't white," Inu-Yasha explained, curious himself.  
"I don't think this is a productive topic of discussion," Ranma offered, turning toward Kikyo.  
"Now Kikyo, I want you to know that it's not too late to back out of this," the pigtailed attorney explained calmly. "You must know that with your history of trying to kill Inu-Yasha and being animated by virtue of your hatred for him at your time of death, we have a significant advantage, and this trial is winner-take-all. You may want to reconsider leaving the balance of power the way it is."  
"Inu-Yasha is MINE." Kikyo said evenly.  
"That's for the judge to decide," Kagome growled out in response.  
Inu-Yasha, surprisingly, neglected to try and intervene, deciding that his opinion would be ignored one way or another anyhow. With nothing better to do, he laid down on the floor and began to drift off to sleep.  
"Kagome is merely an extension of Kikyo's own soul as her reincarnation, and thus her 'feelings' for her 'pet' can be explained as merely leftover 'emotions' from her previous 'life'." Naga droned, repeatedly bending her index and middle fingers to indicate the proper quotations.  
"That can work both ways," Ranma countered, "Kikyo's dead... well, technically. Her soul has been legally passed on to Kagome. Regardless of whether her relationship with Yasha is the result of her own experiences or emotional baggage from some dead chick, the feelings are her own!"  
"Tch! This is going nowhere," Naga said, standing up, "if we're just going to throw arguments at each other, we should do it in the courtroom."  
"Agreed," Ranma said, leaning back. "However, I do have a question for your client. Not that she HAS to answer, of course, but I am curious."  
Naga frowned, and Kikyo raised an eyebrow.  
"If things don't work out for you tomorrow, do you wanna have lunch on Saturday?"  
Inu-Yasha's head jerked up, and the half-demon growled threateningly at his friend.  
"Hey, whoa! Down, boy!" Ranma shouted, yanking on the leash in defense. "Don't get angry at me! No matter what happens, you're going to be short a girlfriend soon!"  
"Eleventh commandment, Saotome!" Inu-Yasha gasped out, tugging at his collar. "'Thou shalt not date thy best friend's ex!'"  
The two men were about to continue the argument when Kikyo cleared her throat.  
"An... interesting proposal. And my answer." Without another word, Kikyo drew an arrow from her ever-present quiver on her back, pulled it back into her bow, and then shot it straight towards Ranma's head.  
The pigtailed man blinked as he jerked his head to one side, letting the arrow embed itself harmlessly in the wall behind him.  
"Naga? Let's go." The undead priestess said calmly as she exited the room.  
"Eh? Oh! Uh, right!" The somewhat startled sorceress/attorney took off after her client, totally unsure of what to make of the whole incident.

Ranma watched them go, then smiled as he shook his head. "Man Yasha, I don't know about her taste in lovers, but yours is GREAT!"  
"Oh, shut up." Inu-Yasha and Kagome mumbled at once.

"Pre-trial check," Ranma said neutrally, staring straight forward at the judge's stand as he adjusted his tie. "Assistant?"  
Check! Genma signed, pointing a claw at himself.  
"Evidence/witness file?"  
Check! Genma signed again, holding up the folder.  
"Client?"  
Kagome blinked. "I'm he-" Whack! "OW!!"  
Genma-panda glared at the young woman as she held her head in pain. Silence, woman! We're working here! Then he flipped the sign around. Check!  
"Snappy outfit?" Ranma said, spreading his arms out.  
Check and double check!  
Ranma nodded. "Papers that I've been carrying around at all times for three years so that it looks like I keep lots of meaningful information in my briefcase?"  
Genma opened the leather container and looked down at the neatly stacked papers with poorly typed, completely irrelevant data. Check!  
"Bag lunch?"  
Genma picked up the papers, revealing a brown paper bag that they had been insulating. Check!  
Ranma grinned and sat down. "All systems are go! Let's do this!"  
Across the court room, Naga snickered. "You'll need more than a 'can-do' attitude to beat me, Saotome."  
Sitting on the side of Naga opposite Ranma's bench, Kikyo ventured a look around the courtroom and then turned toward Ranma.  
"Saotome, where is Inu-Yasha? Is he not going to be here during the trial?"  
Ranma chuckled and rubbed the back of his head. "Oh, he would be here, but there are some little minor issues that needed to be taken care of."  
Kagome frowned, turning toward her legal representative. "What kind of issues?"  
Ranma shrugged. "Just some blood work, a general checkup; that sort of thing. Don't worry, I told the vet to use heavy steel restraints, so it's quite possible Yasha'll get through it without killing anybody."  
His client stared at him incredulously. "You sent him to a VET?! Weren't you the one who objected to him being treated like a pet in the first place?"  
"Hypocrisy comes with the job, lady," Ranma retorted evenly, turning his attention once more toward the judge's stand.

"Hear ye, hear ye, all with business before this court! The right honorable Judge Luna presiding!" Zelgadis intoned with perhaps a degree less apathy than he normally did.  
Ranma frowned. "Judge Luna? Hmmm... Never heard of her."  
Everyone in the court room stared at the back door, waiting for it to open.  
Scratch Scratch Scratch  
Zelgadis looked back with a puzzled expression, and then his eyes widened as he suddenly remembered something important. "Okay! Okay! Sorry! I forgot!" Rushing up to the back door, the chimera opened it up himself, stepping back to allow the judge access to the room.  
The spectators and legal teams waited anxiously, and blinked in tandem when Zelgadis closed the door, even though they hadn't seen anybody enter.  
Ranma was about to ask the obvious question, when a small black cat with a crescent moon on its forehead jumped up from behind the judge's stand on top of the desk.  
Luna smirked slightly at the surprised looks she got across the court room, and sharply tapped one of her claws on the desk she was sitting on (there was no way she was going to manage to pick up the gavel). "This court will come to or-"  
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"  
Several people jumped in surprise as Ranma fell backwards out of his chair and then huddled underneath the defense team's bench.  
"C-C-CAT!! CAT!! GET IT AWAY!! AAAAAAAAAAAH!!"  
"What in the heavens is wrong with him?!" Luna asked, staring at the shaking table in morbid fascination.  
Genma sweatdropped as people around the court room began to stir, and raised a sign nervously. Um... Sorry. My bad. Just as he planned, no one really noticed.  
"Saotome, get a hold of yourself!" Zelgadis shouted, leaning over to look under the desk.  
"N-N-NO!! GET THAT CAT OUT OF HERE!!"  
Naga finally lost what little self-control she had and burst out laughing. "OHOHOHOHO!! How amusing! The trial hasn't even begun and the defense team is already in pieces!"  
Kagome grit her teeth as Genma and Zelgadis tried to coax her lawyer out from underneath his desk. "Dammit... I am NOT going to lose this case because my IDIOT LAWYER has a sudden case of ailurophobia!"  
Genma stood up and raised a sign. Actually, it's not sudden at all.  
"Shut up!" Kagome shouted. Then she reached down under the desk and grabbed Ranma by the shirt, pulling him up to face her. "Hey!! Snap out of it!!" SMACK!!  
The entire room fell silent as Kagome slapped Ranma as hard as she could, such that both her hand and Ranma's cheek were a deep red.  
Ranma stopped shouting, and blinked in surprise.  
Then he disengaged himself from Kagome, stood up straight, and bowed apologetically toward the judge's stand.  
"I'm sorry for the outburst. It's a personal thing. I'm fine now."  
Naga raised an eyebrow, her head in her hand as her elbow rested on her desk. "Are you sure you're okay? We can always declare this a mistrial if you feel too... intimidated by the big, bad pussycat." She smirked.  
Ranma didn't take the bait, and didn't even turn toward her. "No, really, I'm fine. We can continue."  
"Then why are you trying to sneak out of the room?" Naga countered, smirking again.  
Ranma looked down, and saw that indeed, totally independent of his mind, his body had been backing through the spectator seating toward the double-door entrance. Through sheer force of will, he forced his legs to stop, and then, with great difficulty, began to drag himself back toward the defense's desk by taking hold of each spectator bench and pulling his frozen body forward.  
Eventually, with all eyes watching, he pushed away from the final spectator seat and threw himself face-first onto his side's desk.  
Luna sweatdropped. Heavily. "Dare I ask... is the defense ready to proceed?"  
Ranma didn't look up, and instead raised a hand and gave a thumbs-up.  
"All right then... I call this court to order! The case of Kagome vs. Kikyo is now in session!"

"-and so this poor, poor dog, a victim of the cruel cyclone of fate, was unfairly and unjustly separated from his owner, Kikyo, in a misunderstanding that was both mutual and influenced by outside forces!"  
Naga gestured to Kikyo, who remained seated at the plaintiff's bench.  
"SOME might argue that just because she ALLEGEDLY died, she forfeited all rights of ownership of her pet. But I say...... uh..." Naga frowned as she tried to remember the next part of her opening statement, with little success. "Er... well... NO!" She finished triumphantly, even as everyone else in the room sweatdropped.  
Luna shook her head, then ventured a glance toward Ranma (she had come to notice he seemed less affected by her presence if she didn't look directly at him). "Saotome, your opening statement?"  
Ranma stood up, apparently having regained control of his lower torso. "Thank you your CAT!"  
Then, acting as if he hadn't just had a small outburst, he walked to the middle of the room and began pacing.  
"This case is CAT as simple as they come; a woman has a CAT pet. The woman CAT dies. The CAT pet finds a new owner. It's a scenario that CAT has played itself out all over the world, time and CAT time again."  
Zelgadis idly scratched his head as he watched Ranma calmly pace the width of the room, looking for all the world as if he wasn't suddenly shouting in the middle of every sentence.  
"Does the mere raising of the CAT former owner give her the right to CAT everything she possessed before? Do the CAT undead even have rights? These issues, unfortunately CAT, are not addressed in any formal document, but I would like to CAT cite the case of Largo vs. Tohya, in which the case was prematurely concluded when CAT the defendant was forced to flee the courtroom as she was CAT assaulted by the plaintiff with a crossbow."  
"Precedent is noted," Luna said, waving Ranma away, "now go sit back down before you have a heart attack."  
"Thank you, your honorable CAT!" Ranma squawked, walking stiffly back to his chair and sitting down woodenly.  
Luna turned toward Naga. "Is the plaintiff ready to call its first witness?"  
Naga nodded and stood up. "I'd like to call Miroku the monk to the stand!"

"Now Miroku..." Naga began, giving the amorous young man a sly smile. "Tell the court about Kagome's... relationship with a certain other... 'pet' of hers. I believe it was... ah, yes! Kouga of the Wolf Demon tribe!"  
Miroku nodded obligingly, looking unusually serious. "I always found Kagome's relationship with Kouga as being... well, more meaningful than her one with Inu-Yasha. She always treated Kouga with respect, and was thankful for his help, while she took Inu-Yasha for granted on a regular basis and punished for minor transgressions." The monk shrugged. "I always thought it was most odd that she was so... well, accepting of Kouga, even though he kidnapped her and almost got her killed. Especially when she would punish Inu-Yasha to keep them from fighting when Kouga would appear out of nowhere."  
Kagome had been turning red since the beginning of Miroku's testimony, and glared hotly at the monk near the end.  
Naga nodded and turned away from the witness bench. "That will be... eh?" Her eye twitched, and she slowly craned her neck to look behind her.  
Rub Rub Rub Miroku smiled pleasantly as he caressed Naga's rear, and suddenly looked up as he realized she was glaring at him dangerously.  
"Oh! I'm sorry, I just saw a loose thread, so I thought I'd-"  
"_Mega brando_!" KABOOM!!  
Naga turned back around from the smoking crater that was once the witness stand. "THAT will be all, your honor. The witness, assuming he still has a pulse, is acceptable to the defense."  
Ranma frowned, then leaned toward Kagome. "Old trick; question a witness, and then kill him for some minor transgression so that he can't be cross-examined."  
Nevertheless, the pigtailed attorney got up and approached the blackened crater.

"Yo, monk, you all right?"  
There was some movement under the charred debris, and after a moment a blacked form sat up and rubbed its chin thoughtfully.  
"Mmmm, it was worth the pain."  
"Glad to hear it," Ranma muttered, sweatdropping. "Now answer a question for me: it's perfectly acceptable for a girl of my client's age to have more than one pet, right?"  
Miroku frowned. "Inu-Yasha was hardly a pet to Kagome; he was more like a bodyguard."  
"Fine, so he was the equivalent of a guard dog," Ranma said dismissively, leaning on the judge's stand. "Now, has my client demonstrated anything that you would term as **neglect** for Inu-Yasha?"  
Miroku scratched his chin in thought. "Neglect... that's an interesting way to put it..." finally, he shrugged. "I don't suppose so. At least, not in the sense of an owner to her pet. Perhaps she was a bit quick to discipline-"  
"Okay, good, you can shut up now," Ranma said, wanting to cut the monk off before he revealed any ugly truths Naga hadn't dug up. "Before we finish up, I have one more question."  
Then he leaned in much closer, almost such that he was whispering into Miroku's ear. "Do you have Kikyo's phone number?"  
"Objection! Irrelevant!" Naga shouted, standing up. Not that she really cared if Ranma made it with her client, but she wanted to hit her opponent in any way she could.  
"Sustained," Luna muttered. Then she stood up on top of her desk and leaned over the remains of the witness stand. "You've only recently stopped shouting 'cat' every ten seconds, Saotome; please try and stay focused."  
Then the feline judge blinked as she realized Ranma was standing rigidly at attention, with his cheeks puffed up with air as if he was holding his breath.  
She sighed. "All right, all right, go ahead and let it out of your system."  
Ranma nodded gratefully. "AAAAAAAAAAH!!! CAT!! CAT!! IT'S A CAT!! GET IT AWAY FROM ME!! CAT!! AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!"  
Luna rolled her eyes as the pigtailed man went on for forty more seconds, screaming his lungs out while his body stood perfectly still.  
Finally he stopped, and took in a desperate breath of air to try and replenish his oxygen supply.  
"Are you quite finished?" Luna asked, annoyed.  
"Yeah, I'm good. Nothing further."

"I think we've got it made so long as Naga's argument about you having Kikyo's soul doesn't go her way," Ranma said to Kagome as they made their way to the vet's office. "Either way though, this should be all wrapped up tomorrow."  
"Glad to hear it," Kagome mumbled bitterly. "I STILL can't believe Miroku said those things about me!" Then she frowned. "Hey, can I sue him for that?"  
"Uh... no," Ranma said, sweatdropping. "Let's try not to perpetuate the never-ending series of frivolous lawsuits, okay?"

Pushing open the door to the vet's office, Ranma smiled as he was treated to the sight of several of the office staff huddling together in a corner while Inu-Yasha stood over them, flexing his claws menacingly.  
"I'm going to ask you ONE MORE TIME," the half-demon growled, "which one of you said the word 'neuter'?"  
"I'm a lawyer!" Ranma announced, stepping forward and taking hold of Inu-Yasha's shoulder. "You don't have to answer that!"  
"About time you showed up," Inu-Yasha muttered, standing down slightly and allowing the veterinarians and assistants to flee out the back door.  
"Hm, five more minutes and we would've needed some real doctors around here." Ranma said, stretching.  
"What was that, Saotome?" A new voice said.  
The only three occupants of the room turned toward the entrance to the examination room, and Ami Mizuno stepped out hugging a clipboard to her chest, frowning at Ranma.  
"Ah! Ami-chan! It's been a while! How're ya doing?" The pigtailed man asked pleasantly.  
The part-time vet, part-time Senshi of Mercury twitched. "Not so good, actually. Since you killed Setsuna in the trial three months ago, our destined conquest and the eventual purging of evil from the world has been completely derailed, and we lost a critical advantage over the forces of darkness which are even now threatening to engulf the world and bring humanity to its knees."  
"Well... yeah, but I won the case for you, didn't I?" Ranma offered.  
Ami sighed and turned toward Kagome. "Inu-Yasha is cleared to go. His blood work results will be finished tomorrow, but I doubt anything important will come up."  
"Thank you very much," Kagome said, bowing. Then she turned toward Inu-Yasha and patted her leg. "Come on boy! Come!"  
"Shut up," the half-demon said bitterly, following Ranma toward the exit.

The three were about to leave the office when Ranma turned to watch Ami re-enter the examination room. Then he tapped Kagome on the shoulder.  
"Hey Kag, here are my keys; could you take Inu-Yasha home for me?" He looked back toward the examination room entrance and smirked. "I have some 'business' to take care of."  
Kagome twitched. "Pig. You're as bad as Miroku."  
"I'm nowhere near as bad as Miroku," Ranma said defensively, crossing his arms over his chest. "Miroku won't even hesitate to give up a chance at nailing a chick to steal second base, and usually gets hurt for his trouble. That's no way to score."  
The reincarnated shrine priestess just rolled her eyes. "Yeah, whatever. We won't wait up for you."

Ami sighed as she heard the door behind her open, but continued to measure out a sample of Inu-Yasha's blood even as she spoke. "I thought you might stay. This area is employees only. Please leave."  
Ranma backed up in mock hurt. "Ouch! So cold!" Then he smiled amiably. "But what should I expect from 'Ice Machine' Mizuno?"  
Ami grit her teeth and put the beaker she was using aside. "I **hate** that nickname..."  
Ranma blinked. "Really? Then how about the other one? You know, 'Snow Blo-'"  
"What do you want, Ranma?!" Ami asked harshly, finally turning to face him.  
Ranma raised his hands up defensively. "Hey, now! It's just that now that the trial and my volatile relationship with your teammates are all over and done with, I thought that we could just go out and have dinner like two regular people on a regular date, you know?"  
"Can't you just seduce your client, like usual?" Ami said coldly, arms crossed under her breasts.  
"Off limits," Ranma said immediately, "and the plaintiff is..." he managed to stop himself at that point, and then cleared his throat before shaking his head sadly. "Now look, I'm trying to be a perfectly civil adult about this, and you're just trying to reject me in the most painful and humiliating way possible. This is why nice, sensitive guys don't ask girls out, you know."  
Ami stopped to think about it, and her frown lessened. "Well... you really just want to go to dinner?"  
"Of course not," Ranma said bluntly, "I really want to pull that lab coat off of you, push you down on the table right here, and ravish you until we're both exhausted. But that's not going to happen if you can't improve your attitude a little."  
"AAAARGH!!" Ami clasped her head in frustration and yanked painfully on fistfuls of hair for a few moments before glaring at Ranma. "I should have known better than to expect anything else from you!"  
"And THAT is why there are no honest guys anymore; they all died out before they got a chance to reproduce," Ranma explained.  
Seeing the young woman turn away hotly, the pigtailed man tenderly took her by the shoulders. "Come on, you can't tell me that the last... eight times didn't mean anything to you."  
"I-It was seven times, not eight...... and d-don't touch me," the blue-haired woman said nervously.  
Ranma grinned and took his hands off her shoulders, leaning down so that he could whisper right into her ear. "Oh? So you forgot about the time in the hot tub with the buckets of ice? It still counts if only you climax, you know..."  
Ami shuddered as she began to experience pleasant sensations up and down her body. "You weren't... THAT good."  
"That's not what you saaaaaaaid..." the pigtailed man sang lightly into her ear.  
Finally, Ami's resistance broke, and she threw her hands up in defeat. "All right! All right!" Sighing, she started to remove her lab coat. "I'll sleep with you again, but I REFUSE to enjoy it this time!"  
"Works for me," Ranma said happily, sweeping Ami's desk with his arm, and incidentally pushing her current work into a big mess of glass containers and open chemical bottles.

"So you see," Ranma concluded, raising his index finger into the air as he paced the length of the court room, "Kagome's ownership of Kikyo's soul is irrelevant in the determination of present ownership of past belongings! Given that the former owner of Inu-Yasha was confirmed dead by any and all necessary standards, she relinquished former property just as she relinquished her soul!"  
Then Ranma turned toward the spectator stands and shrugged. "But, I mean, come on! We're talking about reincarnated spirits, here! What scientific basis does this all have? How do we know, for a fact, that Kagome even IS Kikyo's reincarnation? Before the ramifications of such a thing are considered, shouldn't we stop and ask ourselves if it all makes sense in the first place?"  
Ranma was looking quite pleased with himself until Naga stood up, smiling smugly.  
"Your honor, if it pleases the court, I have a method of determining whether Kagome is, in fact, Kikyo's actual reincarnation."  
Ranma blinked in surprise. "What? You serious?"  
Naga grinned. "I made it myself!" Then she pulled up a large case that was sitting under her and dropped it heavily onto the plaintiff's table. "I call it the 'Spirit-lyzer 2000'!" Then she opened the case.  
I call it a colander with two electrodes attached to it. Genma signed.  
Next to him, Inu-Yasha (who was tied to the desk by his leash) shook his head. "This is NOT going to end well."  
"Silence!" Naga called out. "This is state-of-the-art, cutting-edge magi-technology! And with that many hyphens in one sentence, you know it'll work!"  
Luna frowned, unsure of what to make of the device. "Before we proceed, is there any scientific basis for the accuracy and reliability of this machine?"  
Naga chuckled. "I thought you might ask that! So I paid this expert I found on the street to come in and make me look more credible!" Then she turned and pointed toward a man in the spectator booths.  
The man stood up. "I am an expert. For all I know, the machine works." Then he took a wad of bills out of his pocket and started counting them.  
Naga smiled brightly and gave the man a thumbs-up.  
Ranma frowned dubiously. "Wait a minute... what, exactly, is he an expert ON, anyway?"  
"That's not important!" Naga shouted, turning toward the judge's stand. "Your honor, may I proceed?"  
Luna looked doubtful, but eventually shrugged. "I'm going to allow this, if only for the entertainment value."

Kagome swallowed deeply as Naga placed the metal colander over her head and began attaching suction cups to various areas of her skull. "A-Are you sure this is safe?"  
Naga grinned as she took the controller in her hand. "I'll have you know that this is one of the least dangerous magi-technological devices ever constructed!"  
Kagome let out a small sigh of relief.  
"Of course, that's by sole virtue of its not possessing a power source large enough to explode," the sorceress clarified, grinning as she watched Kagome's expression once more degenerate into fear.  
"Now, you might feel a slight sting..." Naga began to fiddle with the controller.  
"So, it won't hurt that much, right?" Kagome asked hopefully.  
Naga blinked. "I was talking to the cat. You'll be in excruciating pain for a full twenty seconds." Beep  
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!"  
The others in the court room watched curiously as Kagome glowed brightly from the magic coursing through her body without a safe conduit to perform its function.  
Finally the machine petered out, and Kagome let out a miserable sigh as plumes of smoke came from the little holes in the colander over her cranium.  
"And now, the results!" Naga held the controller up in the air triumphantly as it spat out a short slip of paper.  
The entire court room held its breath and leaned forward in anticipation.  
Except for Luna, who was distracted from the current drama when Zelgadis walked up to her stand and placed a file next to her before whispering into her ear.  
Naga tore the paper from the controller and grinned. "Kagome is absolutely, without a doubt..." she read the inscription on the paper, then balled that hand into a fist, which she threw up triumphantly. "PREGNANT WITH NARAKU'S CHILD!!!"  
WHATHUMP!! There was a massive tremor as the occupants of the room fell to the floor face-first, save for the distracted Luna and Zelgadis, as well as Naga herself.  
After a few moments, the sorceress realized that something was wrong with the conclusion she had been given, and frowned as she re-read the results from her test.  
Then she turned toward Kagome. "I knew you had weird taste with the whole dog fetish thing, but **Naraku**? That's like in a league of wrongness all its own."  
"YOU WHORE!!" Inu-Yasha yelled, regaining the presence of mind to drown himself in anger. "YOU SAID HE WAS YOUR YOGA INSTRUCTOR!!"  
Kagome flushed red, and angrily ripped the colander off her head. "He IS my yoga instructor! As well as my nemesis, and ultimate enemy! This stupid thing is totally wrong! I am NOT, I repeat-AM NOT-pregnant with Naraku's child!"  
She finished by throwing the poorly designed and conceived machine roughly onto the floor of the court room.  
Then she realized that everyone was still staring at her.  
"......... BECAUSE I never slept with him!" She clarified, eye twitching in irritation.  
"And as interesting as this topic of discussion is," Luna began, taking everyone's attention away from the frustrated young woman, "I'm afraid this trial is over. Court is adjourned."  
Ranma blinked. "Huh? Who won?"  
"But you can't!" Naga protested, "I haven't called all my witnesses yet, or given my closing statement!"  
"All of that is moot," Luna explained, standing up on her stand. "It would seem that Inu-Yasha's blood work came back with some unfortunate results. He tested positive for rabies. I'm afraid he'll have to be put down as soon as possible."  
There were multiple blinks across the room, and Inu-Yasha's eyes bugged out of his head.  
"WHAT?!?! RABIES?!?!"  
Everybody in the room slowly turned their heads toward the half-demon, who glared back at them.  
"I don't have rabies!"  
"Gyah!" Aaaah! Ranma and Genma immediately leapt back, clutching each other. "Mad dog!!" Somebody help!  
"What? But- I- No- I don't-" Inu-Yasha began to stutter out a response, only to see that everyon in the room, including Kikyo and Naga, were scrambling to give him as wide a berth as possible.  
"Hey! Are you people even listening?! I DON'T have ra-"  
"_Freeze arrow_!" Zelgadis shouted, throwing several lances of ice magic at the distracted half-demon, inadvertently cutting him off.  
Ka-chnk!  
Zelgadis dusted off his hands. "That should hold him until animal control arrives."  
Luna nodded, satisfied with the block of Inu-Yasha shaped ice. "Very good. Now let's get out of here; that panda bear with the signs creeps me out."

Ranma patted Kagome on the back sympathetically as Zelgadis carried Luna out the back and the animal control unit carried Inu-Yasha out the front.  
"I know it's going to be hard, but... this is for the best. He was spared a far worse fate."  
"I... I know," Kagome said, sniffling as she hugged her legs to her chest. "But still... he was my first love..."  
"Yes," Kikyo said suddenly, surprising the lawyer and his client as she approached. "He was... mine, as well. And my only love, actually. To have him go like this..."  
"What are you talking about?" Ranma asked, raising an eyebrow, "Didn't you want him to die so that you two could be together in Hell?"  
The undead priestess frowned. "Well, yes, but not like THIS. I don't want to spend eternity with a man whose official cause of death was 'put to sleep in a vet's office'. I have a reputation in the netherworld, you know?"  
Kagome sniffled again. "He was rude, arrogant, self-centered, thoughtless, brash, totally insensitive, and unreasonably violent... but...... b-but..." then she collapsed into full-on sobs, crying into Ranma's shoulder. "BUT I'M A TAKAHASHI GIRL, DAMN IT, AND I GET OFF ON THAT SORT OF THING! WAAAAAAAAAH!!"  
Kikyo nodded sadly. "Truly, life will never be the same, now." Then she looked straight at Ranma. "And what of you? He was your best friend, correct?"  
Ranma frowned, and gently lifted Kagome off of himself. "You know, I've actually been holding this in for a while now, and now that it's all over, maybe it's time to just let it out."  
Kikyo and a teary-eyed Kagome nodded in understanding.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!" Screaming like a lunatic, Ranma jumped out of his chair and ran wildly for the exit, mowing down everyone in his path.

Inu-Yasha panted heavily as climbed into the small house through the window, using every effort to remain absolutely quiet.  
His usual outfit was torn, dirty, and pockmarked with small holes where tranquilizer darts had punctured the material, only to fail in piercing the skin beneath. Inu-Yasha's body wasn't one to be overcome so easily, after all, and the animal control and SWAT team forces had learned that lesson well.  
Making his way stealthily through the home he knew almost as well as his own, the half-demon reached the bedroom and prayed Ranma wasn't out at some girl's house; provided that his long-time friend and colleague didn't freak out again at the sight of him, he was Inu-Yasha's only hope for safety.  
Steeling himself, Inu-Yasha burst through the door.

"Ranma! Thank God I got to you! Listen, I need... uh..." Inu-Yasha trailed off and sweatdropped.  
Ranma stared back at him, eyes wide as dinner plates, as he sat up in his bed. On both sides of him a relatively large lump moved under the covers, obscuring the pigtailed man's bedmates completely.  
"Er... is this a bad time?" The half-demon asked, scratching the back of his head. Usually he caught Ranma right before or after the deed; to barge in right in the middle was more than a little embarrassing.  
"Yasha! You're alive!" Ranma exclaimed, sitting shock-still.  
"Inu-Yasha? He's alive?!" The two lumps sat up, and the comforter slid down off their heads to reveal their identities.  
Ranma sweatdropped as Inu-Yasha gaped at Kikyo and Kagome, who were sitting on either side of him. "Oh... uh... this is... kinda awkward..."  
"Yo-Y-You..." Inu-Yasha twitched as he took in the scene before him, a vein popping up on his head.  
"Whoa! Wait! We thought you were dead!" Kagome tried to explain desperately, pulling the covers up to conceal her naked body.  
"IT HASN'T EVEN BEEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS!!" Inu-Yasha roared, his aura building up around him.  
"We debated waiting longer," Kikyo said nervously, "and... well... we did. Slightly."  
"YOU BASTARD!!" The half-demon growled, stomping forward with his eyes on Ranma. "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU!! KAGOME, I COULD SORT OF UNDERSTAND; SHE'S HUMAN, AND SHE'LL SLEEP WITH ANYONE!!"  
"Hey! I told you! I didn't sleep with Naraku!" Kagome protested hotly. "And as for Kouga, well... uh... I was drunk, all right?!"  
Inu-Yasha ignored her. "BUT KIKYO?!?! SHE'S MADE OF DIRT AND BONE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!"  
Ranma's eyes widened, and he turned toward a flushing Kikyo, looking betrayed. "You said they were real!"  
"DIE!!" Inu-Yasha snarled.

(The following scene has been edited for the sake of our younger readers, who have already "suffered" quite enough by the few limish accounts already described in this "story". Please enjoy the alternate "child-friendly" ending to this chapter. To that end, please disregard the change from past to present tense)  
The scene opens with Genma, in panda form, balancing on a beach ball. He reaches behind his back and pulls out a sign.  
Stay in school. He flips it over. Don't do drugs. He flips it again. Don't talk to strangers, even the ones with good candy. Flip. Even though "inflammable" sounds like it should be the opposite of "flammable", they mean the same thing. Trust me on this. Don't assume "inflammable" things are fireproof. Flip. To be continued? 


	6. Christmas Special!

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law  
the Christmas special of the small continuity detailing a huge disaster that has gone on way too long  
by Black Dragon

Well, nuts. At the time I'm writing this, it's eleven o'clock Christmas Eve. I've got like a tenth of Nexus II and Millennium done. Then my Dad takes me out to see A Christmas Carol, and now I can't get it out of my head. So the following is likely to be weird, rushed, and probably offensive. Merry Christmas.

Ranma Saotome: Attorney at Law  
Case 6: The Christmas Episode

Inu-Yasha and Ranma walked down the street in silence, each one absorbed in their thoughts as they shuddered beneath the thick layers of wool and fleece against the cold.  
The half-demon spared several glances at the pigtailed man, but Ranma remained staring straight ahead, his hands nonchalantly stuffed in the pockets of his coat.  
Eventually, the pair reached their place of work, and they both stopped and stared up at the large building and the big, bold-print letters that loomed over them.  
Mousse's Law Firm and Olde Style Doughnut Shoppe said the sign above, with the "O" in "Olde" portrayed by a gigantic strawberry-frosted doughnut with brown sprinkles.  
Ranma sighed. "Every time I look up at this building, I wonder..."  
Inu-Yasha glanced over at him with one eyebrow raised. "Yeah?"  
"I wonder..." he mumbled again, a puff of steamy breath pouring out from between his lips, "... why is the sign in English when we're in Japan, here? Was it just so Mousse could do that stupid thing with the 'O'?"  
Inu-Yasha sweatdropped. "I was expecting something a little more, you know, deep."  
"I'm a practical man, Yasha," Ranma explained simply. "Well, our lunch break's almost over. Better get back to work!"  
The half-demon frowned and scratched his chin. "Yeah... by the way, wasn't I mad at you for something recently? I keep getting the feeling that I'm supposed to be mad at you."  
"Ha ha ha!" Ranma laughed, leaning over and putting an arm around his co-worker. "Don't be ridiculous, man! You and I are best buds! How could you be mad at me?"  
Inu-Yasha's ears drooped slightly as he scratched his head. "Something about you sleeping with... someone..."  
"Pft! You're probably just a bit peeved that I get laid more than you do," the pigtailed man said, moving ahead of his friend so that he wouldn't notice the beads of sweat pouring down Ranma's brow. 'Please don't let him remember... It took SO much money and planning getting his wasted enough to forget...'  
"That... SOUNDS right, and yet..." Inu-Yasha sighed and shrugged his shoulders. "Oh well. If I can't remember what was wrong, it couldn't have been that important."  
"Agreed!" Ranma said brightly. "And now, back to the old grindstone!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Aiyah! Hello Airen!" Shampoo cooed as Ranma approached his office, leaning over her desk as he approached to give him a perfect view of her cleavage.  
"Hey Shamps! Nice hat!" Ranma grinned and flicked the white puffball of the Santa hat his secretary was wearing. "What's with the getup, anyway?" Moving past her, he opened the door to his office.  
"What you talking? Tomorrow Christmas!" Shampoo said, following him in.  
That's right, boy! Genma signed from behind Ranma's desk. What? Did you forget?  
Ranma snorted. "Christmas? Whatever Pop. We celebrated Hanukkah last week, remember?"  
Genma-panda and Shampoo remained silent for a moment. Then Genma raised another sign. We did? Why? We're not Jewish.  
"Pop, we're lawyers!" Ranma said condescendingly, as if that explained everything.  
Genma crossed out part of his last sign, and then wrote in an addition with a little arrow below it. So? We're not Jewish.  
"Airen, you no going to party tomorrow? We all storm Kuno place and have too-too good time in mansion!" It was a bit of a Kuno tradition that whatever latest group was most annoyed with the family during a given year assault the mansion on Christmas day, tie up the inhabitants, and then hold festivities in the empty halls of their estate while the Ninja retainers tried their best to free the mansion's owners before the semi-traditional pinhata game (it was semi-traditional because it only occurred when they either guarded or hid the Kunos very well). After a number of years, all the various groups had started making a regular trip out of it instead of waiting for the Kunos to actually bother them (though the binding of Tatewaki was still reserved exclusively for the most irritated person present).  
"Eh, I dunno. I've got a lot of stuff to do," Ranma said, shrugging.  
Genma grunted and smacked Ranma on the back before hoisting another sign. Don't be silly boy! It's Christmas! Take a load off!  
Shampoo pouted. "But Shampoo look forward to see Ranma there. Stick boy house have many, many empty bedroom..."  
"While that is extremely hot," Ranma said frankly, "I don't see why you can't just wait until I'm done with work and then just go home with me. I might only have one bedroom, but we only need one."  
The clerical Amazon pouted cutely. "Hmph! Why you no get in Christmas spirit?"  
"Ah, I just don't see any point to it," Ranma mumbled, sittind down behind his desk and picking up some papers. "This big religious holiday rolls around and everybody starts making a big deal about it for no good reason, you know? I 'aint Christian, so what do I care?"  
That's fine, but you're still not Jewish! Genma signed.  
"I've got nothin' against Christmas, but I live EVERY day with good cheer and all that stuff. I just don't feel like getting swept up in all the parties and presents and singing and that junk."  
Genma-panda shook his head before throwing up a new sign. Fine boy! Suit yourself! But mark my words, your lack of good spirit is most likely going to result in a long, convoluted plot involving self-examination and guilt that will eventually lead to a wasteful and tiresome change in personal values and ethics that could have been easily avoided if you would just stop acting like a jerk and come with us!  
Ranma stared at the sign for a long moment. Then he squinted and leaned closer. "Wow, that's a long sentence... Dammit Pop, how do you write so small without opposable thumbs anyway? I can't even read it!"  
Genma flipped the sign around. Oh, never mind. Then he flipped it over again. Well, we're leaving early. 'Nite.  
"Bye-bye, Airen," said Shampoo, looking quite disappointed as she followed the panda out the door.

Ranma sighed as he heard the door shut, feeling a pang of regret at turning down Shampoo. "I didn't want to go to the party, but I guess I could have made more of an effort to get her to come home with me. I'd rather not sleep alone if I can help it." Glancing over a permit he was filing, he mentally started to go over other girls that he might be able to call in for a quick, meaningless rendezvous.  
"Seras... nah, she's big on Christmas. Kind of a weird holiday for an infernal abomination to celebrate, but whatever. Kikyo and Kagome won't touch me after Yasha walked in on us. The Senshi all have parties to go to. Ryoko's out of planet for the weekend for the big Oni bash on one of Neptune's moons... that also pretty much rules out anyone Ataru knows." He sighed. "Mithril throws big Christmas parties, so Mao's out. ACROSS doesn't, but... well... Excel is a bit too much in the sack even for **me**." Ranma shook his head.  
"No good. Everyone I know is either going to some big party or out of town for the holidays. Feh. Their loss." He picked up a stack of papers. "ME, on the other hand... I'm gonna get a head start on the December workload. Come the new year, everyone else's gonna have big stacks of work to do. But me? I'm gonna be on easy street! Heh heh!"  
His chuckled trailed off into a yawn, and Ranma glanced outside at the snowflakes that slowly drifted down through the darkness to the street below. "Hm. Dark already. Winter sure hits hard around here."  
Staring at his papers, he shrugged and then piled them together onto his desk, forming a makeshift pillow before he laid his head down on top of them. "Well, might as well grab a quick nap. Don't wanna burn myself out or anything. The point of ignoring Christmas is to AVOID stress."  
It wasn't long at all before he was asleep.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

_Jingle! Jingle!_  
Ranma mumbled in his sleep, a few light moans interrupting the low rumbling coming from his nose.  
_Clank! Clink!_  
Ranma twitched slightly, and then shifted his arms.  
_Clank! Clang! Wham! Jingle! Clink! Clang!_  
Ranma shifted again. "Mmmm... that's it Shampoo. You're doing great. The secret's in the tongue..."  
_THUNK!_ Ranma's head rolled to the side as a huge meat cleaver embedded itself in his desk, barely missing his skull. Either from the vibration of the weapon's impact or a delayed response from his danger sense, Ranma's eyelids fluttered open as he slowly regained consciousness.  
Once he saw who was hovering over his desk, Ranma grimaced and straightened in his seat, fighting the urge to yawn. "Okay, okay, I'm sorry. You caught me napping this time, Mousse. But I was plannin' on staying late anyway."  
Floating above the floor (though from behind the desk it just appeared to Ranma that the Chinese man was simply taller than usual), the ghastly, semi-transparent form of Mousse sneered down at Ranma, chains wrapped haphazardly around his body and hanging from his arms.  
"RAAAAANMAAAAAA! It is I, Mousse! I've come from beyond the grave to tell you a terrible tale of suffering, and deliver upon you a warning!"  
Ranma blinked, then looked up at him. "Yeah, whatever. Look, as far as Christmas pranks go, this is pretty lame. Now could you take your knife outta my desk and leave? I have work to do."  
The ghost of Mousse sweadropped. "RAAAANMAAAA! I have the feeling you're not taking this seriously! Do you doubt my ethereal nature?"  
"Stop shouting my name like that," the pigtailed lawyer said, now doing his paperwork in earnest, "It's annoying. Shouldn't you be storming the Kuno mansion with Shampoo or something?"  
A vein popped up on the spirit's head. "RAAAAA-"  
"**Mouko takabisha**!" Ranma shouted, casually snapping off a ki blast toward the spectre's head. While a physical attack was useless against a ghost, Mousse found out the hard way that big balls of spiritual energy were not, and he was blasted through the wall as he experienced a sensation quite similar to, but subtley different from, mind-wracking pain.  
Ranma blinked. The wall bore a large scorch mark, but no hole. Yet Mousse had just passed through it. "What the hell?"  
"An interesting choice of words," the ghost of Mousse growled as he stepped back through the wall, his teeth clenched. "NOW do you see? I'm a ghost, traveling back from the land of the dead to speak to you!"  
Ranma stared. "But... you're not dead."  
Mousse just crossed his arms over his chest and glared at the pigtailed man. "Look, at this rate we're never going to get my stupid monologue out of the way so you can have your revelation and save yourself. Now, will you just shut up and let me talk?"  
Ranma stared some more. Then he leaned over and swept a hand through Mousse's waist, sweatdropping as his hand passed right through his body without resistance. "... Did you die while I was taking a nap?"  
Once again, a vein popped up on the spectre's head. "Dammit RAAAAA-" he winced as he noticed Ranma's hand glowing blue, and then cleared his throat. "Dammit Ranma! Can you just shut up and let me do this? Hitler and Ted Bundy are throwing a lava pool party in an hour on the seventh layer of Hell, and I'm going to be late as it is with all the cross-plane traffic!"  
The pigtailed lawyer sighed. "All right. Fine. Go ahead and speak."  
Glaring at the mortal, Mousse cleared his throat again and began. "Behold, Ranma! The fate that has befallen me! The chains that bind me! These chains are my deeds! My guilt! My shame! My sin, Ranma!"  
Ranma frowned. "I thought they were your weapons."  
"NO INTERRUPTIONS!! JUST SHUT UP AND LET ME FINISH!!" the ghost of Mousse screamed, blowing the aquatranssexual's hair back. "These chains are those that I forged during life, willingly and freely, and now they bind me to my accursed fate, to never know peace, just as I never found it in life!"  
Then the spirit pointed at Ranma, his eyes burning fiercely. "You possess chains as well, Ranma Saotome! And what a ponderous chain it is! You, who forsakes all for the sake of coin and prestige, and revel in lust and deceit! Do you think you will not be judged? And even on this most holy and joyous of nights, you surround yourself with solitary comforts while seeking the company of women but to slake your insatiable lechery!"  
Ranma considered this. "Sounds about right. So, what, am I supposed to apologize or something?"  
"Tonight you will be visited by three spirits!" Mousse shouted, leaning over Ranma and glaring down at him. "The first spirit will come when the clock strikes one! The second spirit at the strike of two AM! And the-"  
"Yeah, okay, third spirit at three. I get it," the pigtailed lawyer said irritably. "Is this really necessary? Can't you just tell me what I should change right here and now without having ghost popping out of the woodwork to bug me?"  
The ghost of Mousse fumed for a long moment. "Yes, this is necessary. This is how these things are done. If any spirit just walked up to you and told you to change your way of life without doing a long and complex expose on your life and your slump into the rut you're currently in, would you believe him?"  
"Probably," Ranma said honestly, "Meeting a ghost that's specifically come back from Hell to warn you is fairly life-altering in and of itself. I'd believe you."  
"Well, that's too bad. I've already booked these guys, and I'm not getting my deposit back," Mousse snapped. "So stop being a smartass and go back to sleep. The first ghost should be arriving soon."  
Stepping back, Mousse spread his arms wide, the chains around his arms clanking noisily. "My time here is short, I'm afraid, for I am doomed to forever wander this plane, never resting as the dead should! Heed my warning, Saotome! Heed my warning, or you shall join me in my immortal toil!"  
With a final gut-wrenching howl, Mousse drifted down into the floor, fading easily through the carpet without so much as a mark left behind.

"Annoying little prick." Ranma frowned as he sat back in his chair, and glanced at the meat cleaver stuck in his desk. Then he grabbed the handle and yanked it free.  
"Why is his knife solid when his body and chains aren't?" the attorney mused, twisting the cleaver about to get a better look at the edge.  
_Clang!_ He jerked backward as an arrow suddenly struck the broad side of the meat cleaver, knocking it out of his hand.  
"What the hell?" Ranma whirled around toward the place where he estimated the projectile had come from, and sighed in relief when he saw who was there.  
"Oh. Kikyo. Hell of a way to say hello," the pigtailed man murmured as the undead golem lowered her longbow. "So what're you here for? Inu-Yasha's probably left the office already, so..."  
Kikyo lowered her weapon and stared at Ranma stonily. "I am not here for Inu-Yasha. I am here for you."  
The pigtailed man slowly rose an eyebrow.  
"Not like THAT," Kikyo snapped suddenly. She always did find it difficult to maintain her "wise, all-knowing spirit" image in front of the pigtailed seducer. "I have come before you as the Ghost of Christmas Past."  
"I see," Ranma drawled, drumming his fingers on his desk. "So this isn't some lame, meaningless gig you took up to see me because Yasha's still mad at you and you're not getting any."  
Seeing the priestess string up another arrow, Ranma threw his hands up. "Okay, okay, I get it. Fine. Where do we start, oh great spirit?"  
"You will START by agreeing to never mention our... earlier discretion ever again," Kikyo said in the calmest voice she could manage at present. "Misunderstandings occurred and mistakes were made. It would be best if all concerned simply forgot it ever happened."  
"Fine by me," Ranma agreed, standing up and approaching the golem. "But just lemme ask one question first. Then I'll never bring it up again. Promise."  
Kikyo frowned. "Very well. Speak."  
As a precaution, Ranma quickly plucked away the arrow Kikyo currently had resting in her bow. "Who was better, me or Yasha?"  
Kikyo's eye twitched, and she glanced meaningfully at the arrow that Ranma held in his hand.  
Then she rolled her eyes. "You were better. He was bigger, though," she mumbled softly.  
"Not that much bigger, right? I mean, the guy's half-demon! That has to be an unfair advantage!"  
"Can we GO, already?" Kikyo snapped, once again losing her cool. She momentarily contemplated batting Ranma about the head with her bow, but decided it would be an inexcusably undignified way to punish him.  
"Yeah, okay. Let's do this, already."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ranma blinked in surprise as he suddenly saw snow falling all around him, and then looked about.  
"The hell? Where am I?" Ranma asked, noting that he was standing on a rooftop in a suburban area. "Wait a minute... I recognize this place! This is the Tendos' house!"  
"Indeed. So you do remember," Kikyo said suddenly from behind him, causing the lawyer to jump in surprise. "This is a Christmas from long ago... specifically, the late OAV series."  
Ranma sweatdropped. "We're, uh, not supposed to mention stuff like that..."  
"Never mind. Behold," Kikyo said, pointing across the roof toward a bench that had been, for reasons inconceivable to most, set up on the roof of the house rather than the yard. Ranma noticed that a younger version of himself was on it, speaking with Ukyo.  
"Oh, great. THIS is a memory that could have stayed buried," Ranma muttered as he watched his younger self quail and try to keep Ukyo from snatching the present in his hand.  
"You were so full of joy back then, despite your problems," Kikyo explained softly.  
"I was too stupid to know how miserable I was," Ranma translated.  
Kikyo didn't allow his cynicism to affect her lecture, and continued. "You were noble and kind-hearted, and always tried to do the right thing, no matter the cost to yourself. You did not see the pain and despair of others, but you did your best at all times to prop up those close to you, and let them take advantage of your kindnesses and hesitation."  
"In other words, I was a sap letting everybody wail on me until they felt better about themselves," Ranma said sourly. Then he watched as memory-Ranma fled the bench, and winced when he ran into Akane (which he recalled would lead to another fiasco). "This is all that bitch Akane's fault..."  
Kikyo shook her head. "The fault is your own. YOU make the decisions that dictate your fate."  
"Fair enough," Ranma mumbled. "Fine. Then my biggest mistake was not dumping that cold-hearted psychopath first chance I got. Worst decision ever."  
"Oh? Was your life back then truly so terrible?" Kikyo said challengingly. "Fighting for noble causes, performing heroic rescues, putting a lifetime of challenges and hardship to use for the greater good." She glared at him. "And NOW? You bicker in a courtroom over interpretations of law for profit and self-indulgence. You're greedy, selfish, have no respect for life or - ironically - the rule of law and order. No longer do you seek to protect the hearts of women, but rather you exploit them freely to slake your lusts!"  
Ranma remained silent for a long moment, and then shrugged. "Well, yeah, but I'm happy like this." Then he jabbed a thumb behind him. "Have you SEEN me when I was sixteen? It was awful!"  
"Enough! Behold!" Kikyo shouted, waving her arm in the air.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ranma shook his head again as a thick fog suddenly sprang up around him and then disintegrated just as quickly, revealing completely new surroundings.  
This time Ranma recognized that he was in the Tendo living room, but the scene wasn't as familiar as the previous scenario on the roof.  
Shredded wrapping paper lay all over the floor in loose clumps, all but concealing the floor. Tables were scattered around the room, some looking as if they were shoved aside, some being turned entirely upside-down, and one was in pieces, having been smashed apart. Ranma knew enough about impacts and property damage to note that it looked to have broken from a single point of impact, obviously with great force, roughly in the middle of the table. Probably from someone striking the middle of the table with their fist.  
'Or someone striking someone else's head with the middle of the table,' Ranma thought as he noted the unconscious form laying underneath the debris.  
Sure enough, his younger self was insensate on the floor with pieces of table scattered around his body and little splinters in his hair.  
He turned to Kikyo. "Okay, so what is THIS supposed to prove? I sort of remember this now. Nabiki made me pay for a gift idea for the girls, and then told me to give them all a kiss. Then when I said that I WOULDN'T give them a kiss, Akane heard me and somehow interpreted that as me confessing to kissing them, and, well..." he gestured to his body.  
"Try looking beyond yourself, Saotome," Kikyo said sharply. "Can you see no one else in this room?"  
"Just Kasumi," Ranma said, pointing toward the corner. Sure enough, there was the twenty-one year-old woman, wearing a home-knit sweater and looking over the living room sadly as she sat by herself chugging down egg nog.  
Eventually a groan echoed through the room, and the younger Ranma sat up unsteadily, holding his head. "What the hell? What'd I say?"

"Oh, good. You're awake," Kasumi said, trying to force as much cheerfulness as she could into her voice. "I'm afraid your presents are gone... I think I saw Mousse destroying them earlier."  
"Huh. Oh well. It's the thought that counts," Ranma said, shrugging as he rubbed the bump on his head. "Wow. This place is a mess." Then he looked up at the Tendo homemaker. "Kasumi... are you drunk?"  
"Oh my. Am I?" She wondered, putting a hand to her mouth in surprise. "Perhaps a little. It makes the pain go away, you know!" She gave a perfectly empty, but still beautiful smile.  
"Uh huh..." Ranma mumbled. "Uhm... maybe I could help you clean up or something?" Normally he wouldn't have bothered, but seeing Kasumi in such a state would be enough to kick-start even Genma's conscience.  
"Oh no! I could never have a guest clean up their own mess!" Kasumi said in a horrified voice that sounded suspiciously sarcastic. "It's just not done! After all, I'm just a perfectly good young woman watching the best years of her life pass her by! It's not like I have any sort of life outside this home! What else would I do if I didn't have you people to keep me busy? No, no, you just run along and leave me alone to work, just like EVERYBODY DOES, every day of every week of every month of every single year!"  
Ranma's pigtail was standing on end as he stared at the brunette and her obviously fake cheerful smile. "... Uh... so... help me out, here. Do you want a hug or what?" He asked awkwardly.  
Kasumi slammed back the glass of egg nog and then stalked up to the martial artist, who (as usual) froze stiff in preparation to take whatever punishment was in store for him. "Ranma, do you know anything about the pain of being alone?"  
Ranma shook his head rapidly. "No, I'm more familiar with the other kind of pain. Of being constantly surrounded."  
"Nobody understands," the Tendo homemaker said sadly as she let the glass in her hand drop onto the floor. "Nobody notices. Nobody cares."  
The pigtailed martial artist flinched guiltily, but then stood up and took her hands in his own. "Well... then what can I do to help?" Ranma asked, slightly nervous.  
Kasumi just stared at him as if in a daze.  
"It's probably my fault," Ranma said hesitantly, "or at least most people would say it is, so what can I do to make it right? Just tell me!"

Lawyer-Ranma chuckled as he put a few more pieces of popcorn in his mouth. "Heh heh. This part is great. Watch."  
Kikyo frowned, not only because her "client" was enjoying this part of the revelation, but also because she had no idea where he had gotten popcorn from.

Kasumi stared at Ranma drunkenly for a few more moments, then snatched her hands away.  
Ranma flinched like a kicked puppy at the movement, but then blinked in confusion as Kasumi grabbed the hem of her sweater and pulled it up over her head, revealing a cherry-red blouse underneath. "So, you want... a new sweater?"  
He was no less confused or surprised when Kasumi suddenly tackled him to the floor, grabbing the back of his head while kissing him deeply at the same time.

The real Ranma couldn't help grinning as he watched the image of himself and Kasumi fall into the layer of crumpled paper and boxes, limbs flailing and twisting around each other. "Ah, desperation and alcohol. There's a recipe for a good time if I ever heard one."  
"Be that as it may," Kikyo drawled, "taking sexual advantage of Kasumi's depression was unintentional in this case. You were still the naive, good-natured boy who couldn't bear to reject the woman after her heartfelt - albeit alcohol-induced - expression of grief."  
Ranma nodded as he watched Kasumi wrap her legs around his younger self, invading his mouth with her tongue. "Yup. See, even at this point, I'm trying to think of some way to get out of this situation without personally hurting her. If I recall correctly, I figured my best bet was to make a lot of accidental-sounding noise to get Akane down here so that she'll beat me unconscious."  
A red blouse went flying through the air, and Lawyer-Ranma blinked when it passed right through him. Shaking his head momentarily, he smiled warmly as he enjoyed the view of Kasumi straddling his younger self, her round, bountiful mammaries bouncing gently within the bright red brassiere.  
"See, now I'm thinking that for Kasumi's sake, it'd be best to just let her do what she wants; she deserves it, right?" Ranma explained while looking far too happy for Kikyo's taste.  
"What a convenient train of thought," the priestess drawled.  
"I know, isn't it?" the pigtailed lawyer grinned brightly as he watched his memory replaying the loss of his virginity. 'And good riddance.'  
"With this act of ignorance and desperation, you've begun your descent down the slippery slope into hedonistic lechery," Kikyo spat. "Now come, we-"  
"Hold on a sec," Ranma interrupted, holding up a hand to stall her. "I haven't seen Kasumi in a while. I wanna burn this image into my mind." His attention was entirely focused on the squirming tangle of flesh, so he didn't see Kikyo's eye twitch.  
A moment later, a blood-red bra sailed up into the air, passing through Kikyo's body.  
Ranma wiped some drool from his mouth and straightened. "Okay, I'm good. Let's go!"  
Kikyo's eye twitched again. "Somehow I sense you're not quite getting the right message here," she deadpanned.  
"Well, it's still early. Let's see the next stop," Ranma offered.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

By now Ranma had accustomed himself to the weird shifting-scenes transportation method, and immediately started to take in his surroundings once his vision cleared.  
He didn't get the chance to do more than glance out the window before the door to the room suddenly opened.

"K-Kasumi?" Akane asked, stuttering slightly as she stepped into her sister's room. She glanced around at the interior for a moment, though she herself didn't know quite what she was looking for within her eldest sister's room.  
Kasumi turned her head to stare at her youngest sister with a very un-Kasumi-like disdainful stare. "Yes Akane? What's so important that you had to barge into my room like that without so much as knocking?"  
Akane flushed in embarrassment and stuttered incoherently for a moment, unable to think of why she had done that. "I didn't m-mean to... I mean, I j-just sense that something was..." she gulped, then decided to change the subject. "Kasumi, everybody's downstairs enjoying themselves. Uh... why are you up here? And in your underwear, no less?"  
Indeed, Kasumi was sitting on the edge of her bed wearing a lacy black lingerie set and looking like she had jumped straight out of a Victoria's Secret magazine. Akane also noted that the sheets and comforter of her bed had been disturbed and thrown about, although she didn't know what to make of it. None of the lumps in the blankets were big enough to hide a person underneath it, whether the perpetrator was Ranma or Happousai.  
Akane shook her head. Kasumi wouldn't be meeting with a man in her room. The very idea was ridiculous.  
Kasumi stood up slowly, and lawyer-Ranma found himself having to adjust his pants as he saw the gorgeous homemaker stare down at her sister over her breasts. "I'm in here in my underwear because I had assumed - silly me - that I could expect some degree of **privacy** within my own room, Akane. If I feel like coming down later, I'll do so. Now, was there anything else?"  
Akane winced badly. For some reason Kasumi had been getting increasingly short with her all year. It confused and even frightened her, but because her oldest sister always had a legitimate cause to be upset with her she hadn't dared challenge her attitude. "Uh, well..." she gulped again. "Do you know where Ranma is?"  
Kasumi tilted her head to one side. "What, you can't find him? Try looking down the street; I saw Ryoga wandering off several minutes ago and Ranma may have followed him."  
"Th-Thanks," Akane stuttered, quickly exiting while closing the door behind her. She was in such a rush to escape the cold glare of her sister that she never did realize that Kasumi never technically answered her question.

"Jealous little bitch," Lawyer-Ranma and Kasumi said in perfect stereo.  
After a moment, the Ranma from this particular memory faded into view next to Kasumi's bed, wearing only a tank top and boxers. Kikyo couldn't help but notice the sizeable tent formed by the crotch of Ranma's boxers (though the actual Ranma wasn't much better) as the nineteen year-old sidled up to her and slipped an arm around her waist.  
"Well, that was a bother," Ranma mumbled as he kissed the nape of Kasumi's neck, running one hand down his lover's thigh. "Now, where were we?"  
Kasumi moaned huskily as Ranma's lips worked up and down her neck. "I think... I was about to... mmmmm... open my **Christmas present**." Her hands slipped down his body and started to tug on his boxers meaningfully.  
Ranma's expression of anticipation and bliss suddenly shifted to one of supreme annoyance. "Aw, man... incoming. AGAIN." Regretfully pulling up his boxers again, Ranma once again vanished into thin air, and Kasumi sat back on her bed with an annoyed expression of her own.  
This time the intruder knocked first, and Kasumi raised her eyebrow.  
Deciding to make the most of the extra time afforded by this more polite intrusion, Kasumi slipped under the covers of her bed and picked up a book from her nightstand so that it would look like she had been reading rather than simply sitting around in her lingerie. "Come in."

Kikyo noted with great satisfaction that Ranma looked appropriately distressed.  
"Aw, man. I HATE this part," the pigtailed lawyer groused.

Nabiki strode into the room purposefully, closing the door behind her and wearing an insufferable smirk. "Hi sis. What's up? I didn't see you downstairs..."  
Kasumi shrugged and tugged on the bookmark in her novel. "I was just a bit tired from all the preparations, that's all. I thought I'd rest my legs for a while."  
"Oh. Okay, then." Then she turned. "And what's your excuse, Ranma?"  
Everybody tensed, except possibly Kikyo. Lawyer-Ranma had been through this fiasco already and knew how it went. Nabiki wasn't quite facing the right direction, so she obviously couldn't see Ranma, but she knew he was there.  
Kasumi frowned. "Pardon me? Where's Ranma?"  
"Oh, I don't know exactly," Nabiki admitted, crossing her arms over her chest as her eyes swept through the room, "but I know he's here." Then her smirk shifted instantaneously into a glare. "Really Saotome. Didn't you promise to seal away the umi sen ken according to your father's wishes? To think, that you'd throw away your honor as a martial artist to peep on my big sister."  
Kasumi's eyes widened.

Lawyer-Ranma held a hand over his face, mortified as his younger self suddenly appeared in a panic to defend himself, and consequently falling right into Nabiki's trap.

"I 'aint peeping on no one!" Ranma shouted, mostly out of instinct.  
After a moment of silently staring into Nabiki's victorious grin, the young man's pupils shrank to pinpricks. "Uh... I can explain..."  
"I don't really think that's necessary," Nabiki drawled, walking up to the sparsely clothed martial artist and shamelessly poking his erection. "It doesn't take a genius - or a delusionally jealous fiancee - to guess what's happening here, folks."  
Kasumi swallowed nervously and put down her book. "Now, Nabiki, listen-"  
"No Kasumi. YOU listen," the mercenary Tendo said lazily. "I don't know what you see in this idiot to let him into your panties. Hell, maybe you don't actually see anything in him past his joystick; you've gone a long time without a boyfriend so I guess I don't blame you. Bottom line is, I don't think Ranma's bright or gutsy enough to manipulate or seduce you, so I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt and assuming that you want this dirty little arrangement at least as much as he does. And you, at least, don't deserve to have this entire household crashing down on top of you for your indiscretions."  
Then she turned a scathing glare on Ranma. "That doesn't mean, however, that I'm going to let this go easily." She stalked closer to Ranma, who backed up nervously as sweat beaded on his forehead. "Or cheaply. You two have been sloppy - no big surprise, since neither of you are exactly big on deceit - and it's going to fall to me to try and keep this under wraps in order to protect Kasumi."  
Ranma backed into Kasumi's desk, leaning backward as Nabiki leaned forward over him. "Let me put it to you straight, Saotome. You're going to pay for my time and effort in keeping this quiet. You're going to pay through the nose." She leaned forward even more, and stopped when she felt something poke her thigh. Staring down, she let another smirk cross her face. "Or maybe through some other extremity, if I'm feeling nice. Might as well see what gets Kasumi so hot and bothered in the first place."  
"Nabiki, please," Kasumi said softly, wrapping the sheets around her body as she stood up. "Ranma doesn't deserve this. He shouldn't be punished for-"  
"For cheating on Akane? I think that IS worth punishing him for, actually," Nabiki drawled.  
"But... But I just-" Ranma stammered, completely defeated. What could he say in his defense? "C-C'mon Nabs! Do we really need this on Christmas?"  
The mercenary Tendo snorted. "Oh, don't give me that." Then her eyes narrowed. "And speaking of which. If you're going to run off and screw my sister, fine. But do it on your own time, Saotome. I need you down there making nice-nice with your fiancees - who would be SO interested to know you've lost your virginity behind their backs! - or it's money out of MY pocket. Get a move on."  
Ranma gripped his hands into fists, trying not to tremble. He almost succeeded. "What're you ordering me around for? I'm not your slave!"  
Nabiki laughed, and everyone in the room, including the largely unflappable Kikyo, winced.  
"Oh, Saotome," Nabiki said in a voice full of affection and devoid of compassion, "you sure as hell are now. Move along."

The scene began to fog up, and Kikyo snorted as she turned toward the pigtailed lawyer. "You remember, don't you? Wallowing in fear and self-pity. The results of your own uncontrolled lusts."  
"And I don't suppose Nabiki deserves a red mark for what she did, huh?" Ranma asked irritably, crossing his arms over his chest.  
"Her personal demons are her own," the golem said, "and if I recall, she has already faced her judgment. This is about YOUR decisions, Ranma. And surely you recall the decision you made the very next Christmas..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The fog parted again, and the decor shifted significantly, though unlike the previous times, there was no complete change of environment. Ranma and Kikyo were still in a girl's room, but Ranma could tell right away that it was Nabiki's and not Kasumi's.

_Knock! Knock! Knock!_  
Nabiki looked up from her ledger. "Come in."  
The door opened and Ranma strode in purposefully, a book being held under his arm. "Hi Nabiki, I-"  
"Ranma. Glad you came," she interrupted, snapping her ledger shut. "Listen, your girls are complaining that all I can sell them is a five-minute chat with you."  
Ranma cleared his throat as he closed the door behind him. "Yeah, about that-"  
"And I was thinking," Nabiki interrupted again, "about selling something a little more... how should we say, substantial? So I've decided you're going to do kisses this year. Though besides that, what would you say to the ladies buying some hardcore time with the Little Wild Horse?"  
Ranma's eyes widened, his original purpose momentarily forgotten. "Wh-What?"  
"Oh, don't act so affronted," Nabiki muttered, rolling her eyes. "They're all beautiful women, and you're hardly losing anything. If you can stand to do me, why not them?" She grinned at that. Kasumi DID have excellent taste in lovers. "I'll even cut you in on five percent. So you get hot sex with a bunch of total babes and you get paid for it. Your mom would be ecstatic."  
"That's not the point!" Ranma shouted. "That would mean that I'd... you know... with KODACHI!"  
Nabiki blinked. "Hum. Good point. Ten percent, then. Oh, and make sure to use extra protection with her! She isn't really suitable for reproducing, if you know what I mean. Best leave nothing to chance."

Kikyo stared down at Lawyer-Ranma, extremely annoyed. "And why are you smirking?"  
Ranma chuckled. "Because I just figured it out. This is it. This is where it all began. My legal career."  
"Yes, it is," Kikyo said solemnly. "All the pain and moral decay began long ago, but here lies the line you finally crossed into the realm of true indecency. The first link of your chain was forged in this room, on this day."

"Look, forget about selling time and kisses and whatever to my fiancees, okay? It's a moot point anyway," the younger Ranma insisted.  
Nabiki raised an eyebrow, and then smirked as she slinked over to the pigtailed man and put her arms around him. "You have this... interesting expression on your face, Ranma. Let me guess... is this about... us?"  
Ranma tried not to let his nervousness show as Nabiki pressed her body against him, but it was difficult. He hated the middle Tendo sister more than any other individual he'd ever met, but she could still be stunningly sexy when she wanted, and he wasn't so experienced in such affairs that he could ignore her teasing and flirting easily. "Y-You could say that."  
"Hmmmm. Good," Nabiki said, poking Ranma in the nose. "Tell me, are you going to be visiting Kasumi ? It looks like it's going to be cold tonight, and I've decided I don't want to be alone."  
Ranma's eye twitched. "'Zat so?"  
"Mm-hm," the mercenary Tendo licked her lips. "So if you're going to do my sister, make it quick, because you're spending the rest of the night with me." It was something of a private joke, which Nabiki found horribly amusing, that of the three Tendo sisters, the one who was engaged to Ranma was the only one who had never slept with (or in fact shared any meaningful signs of affection with) him. Of course, Nabiki had no desire to marry Ranma herself, as that would bring too many unprofitable problems to her doorstep, but the man had God-like endurance and quite literally knew the female body inside and out. Akane was missing out on some of the most wonderful sensations a woman could ever hope for, and for what? Her petty pride. What an idiot.  
"Look, Nabiki, I have to tell you something," Ranma said carefully, prying the brunette's arms off of him and getting himself some distance. "For a while now, you've been seriously pushing this blackmail thing. Last year when you said I was your slave, I didn't really take it seriously. But as time went on I realized that you're right; if I'm not your slave, I might as well be. I'm always working and handing you my paycheck, I fight who you want when you want, and you even make me sleep with you. And I don't say anything because I'm afraid of what you'll do."  
Nabiki rolled her eyes and sat down on her bed. "Yeah, I know. Boo hoo. Poor Ranma has to do what he always does, and THEN has to have sex with a pretty girl. Such torture!"  
Ignoring her outburst, the younger Ranma continued. "Eventually I figured, 'there's gotta be a law against this sort of thing somewhere, doesn't there? There's no way people can just let this happen!" Then he pulled out the book entitled Principles of Law Volume 1. "So I decided to take up law."  
In one instant, Nabiki's entire facade of calm and control shattered. Not from dread, but rather from sheer shock. "LAW? You, Ranma Saotome, are studying LAW? Are you serious?" She gaped as she stared at him. The very idea was so completely absurd that her mind hadn't yet considered the ways in which such a field of study could affect her.  
"Yeah. Law," Ranma said simply. "And I figured out something important about laws and how they're used to protect us."  
At THIS point Nabiki was getting worried, though she once again adopted her unconcerned poker face. She had NOT been expecting this. What she had done to Ranma was quite serious according the court of law, which she had dismissed entirely. The idea of RANMA, of all people, Mr. Ultimate Martial Artist, turning to the police to solve his problems was nothing short of preposterous. Well, at least it had been until this very moment.  
'Sure, I can reveal his secret and virtually - if not literally - destroy his life, but I would just be lashing out at him for petty revenge. And besides that, Kasumi would be in at least as much danger...' Steeling herself, she took a deep breath and forced her voice to remain calm and even. "Really, Ranma? What did you find out?"  
Ranma crossed his arms over his chest and stared down solemnly. "I found out that laws are really, really complicated."  
The massive sweatdrop that rolled down Nabiki's head was as much an expression of her relief as exasperation. "I see. So you just wasted a whole lot of time and gave yourself a headache." She smiled as she shook her head. "Ranma, Ranma, Ranma... did you really think I run an operation so fragile that a police report can touch it? Maybe YOU don't have the gray matter to understand the court system, but I assure you that I'm quite well-informed. I could have told you quite easily that you don't have a case."  
The pigtailed martial artist shrugged. "That might be, but it wasn't a TOTAL waste."  
"Oh?" Nabiki raised her eyebrow again.  
"Nope! By studying certain records, I figured out how much evidence is usually needed to convict someone for murder!" Ranma said proudly.  
Nabiki was silent for a long moment. "... So? What does that have to do with anything?"  
_Thwack!_

Lawyer-Ranma grinned as he watched his memory-self tie up the unconscious Nabiki. "Ah, yes. It was the first time I'd killed someone purely for personal gain. Though technically I could claim self-defense if it ever came up. Good times."  
Kikyo shook her head. "To lose respect for the sanctity of life... to lose those tenets of the martial arts you used to hold so dear... it is the most tragic thing that could happen to a man..."  
"Oh, don't give me that, Miss 'Life is death, death is life, blah blah blah blah,'" Ranma parroted in an ultra-high voice, causing the undead priestess to glare at him.

"Ranma!" Soun's voice rang through the wall as he yelled up from the stairs, "Why do we have quick-dry cement laid out in the yard?"  
"Just fixing up the dojo before the guests get here, Mr. Tendo!" The younger Ranma called back as he stuffed Nabiki in a sack.  
"Oh! Well, that's quite thoughtful of you!" The Tendo patriarch said before going back down the stairs, his curiosity satisfied.

"Heh heh heh..." Lawyer-Ranma chuckled to himself before he noticed that Kikyo was glaring at him again. "What? Do you honestly mean to tell me that Nabiki didn't have this coming?"  
"It is not for me to judge her sins," the golem priestess began, "but even if she did, was it just as right to do the same to Akane Tendo, Soun Tendo, Happousai, Tsubasa, Principal Kuno..." she trailed off for a moment, then pulled a list out of her pocket and scanned it. "Pink, Link, Lime, Mint, Pantyhose Tarou, that old man from the magic shop-"  
"Okay, I get the picture," Ranma groused. "Perhaps the line sort of blurred at one point between lawyer and serial killer. But doesn't the good karma from killing Happousai sort of spill over into some of grayer cases?"  
Kikyo's eye twitched again. "As I said, it is not for me to judge. But you WILL be judged, Ranma. Now come. My time with you is at an end, though I fear you've learned nothing from my efforts."  
"That's not true. I've learned to appreciate the good old days," Ranma said proudly. "Say, before you go, could we go back to the last Christmas, but during nighttime? Kasumi felt pretty bad about me getting caught by Nabiki, and she wanted to make it up to me by-" the pigtailed lawyer was almost choked by the sudden wall of smoke that enveloped him. "Hey! Cough! Prude..."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ranma was somewhat startled when instead of smoke parting around him, he found himself waking up at his desk, as if the entire experience previous had just been a dream.  
He stared at his desk, noting the long indentation that had been caused, one would imagine, by a large, heavy knife. "Of course not. I couldn't be that lucky." Not that the visions had been all bad. But he really wished that there had been less talking and more of him and Kasumi procreating. 'I really fell out of touch once she became a doctor. I should look her up.' As the last Tendo to survive a mysterious and tragic string of accidents and disappearances, Ranma had spent quite a long time comforting the poor woman (sometimes seven or eight times a night!) before they had gone their separate ways. The woman had just hit thirty recently, but Ranma had no doubt she could still knock a man out at twenty meters with a wink.  
"So, Ghost of Christmas Past, huh? I suppose next is Present, then," the pigtailed lawyer murmured. Then he looked down at his watch. "Huh. It's late."  
"HO HO HO!! Late, am I?"  
Ranma jumped up in surprise, whirling around. "What? Santa Clause? But they killed you in Guardian!"  
The large bearded man twitched. "No, I'm not Saint Nick, Ebeneezer, though he's a close relative of mine! I am the-"  
"Whoa, wait, hold it, time out, pause," Ranma interrupted quickly. "Did you just call me Ebeneezer? Who's that?"  
The Ghost of Christmas Present raised an eyebrow. "Why, that's YOU, Ebeneezer Scrooge! Did the Ghost of Christmas Past frighten you of your wits?"  
"Look you overly jolly wad of ectoplasm," Ranma snapped, "my name is Ranma Saotome, and around here we use anime characters for our major parts! Who the hell are you supposed to be, Jet Black after losing his beard trimmer?"  
The spirit frowned and pulled out a card from his back pocket. "Are you serious? Wait, let's see... take a right at the Citadel of the Dead... take the last exit from the astral plane, then... hmmm... I knew I should've taken that left turn at Albuquerque!"  
_Clonk!_ The Ghost of Christmas Present let out a strangled yelp as a spear haft came down on his head, and he slumped onto the floor a moment later. A moment after THAT, he slowly phased down through the floor, never to be seen again by any of the room's inhabitants.

Ranma raised an eyebrow as he looked at the girl who had clobbered the other spirit.  
She in turn began to size him up, and she grinned. She looked to be a child physically, yet had a strange, otherwordly maturity to her that told Ranma she clearly was NOT a child. She appeared to be a human girl with dark red hair done up into two puffs of hair on either side of her head, but she had tiny bat wings and a spade-tipped tail. Her clothing was also clearly of the stereotypical demonic persuasion, as she wore a leather "miniskirt" (more like a particularly wide belt) and an equally sparse strip of leather around her chest. For absolutely no apparent reason she had a leather collar around her neck that had a heavy brass ring attached to it, and she wore skull earrings on her pointed ears. If it wasn't for the fact that she was desperately scrawny and flat as an ironing board, Ranma would have imagined her to be quite the seductress.  
The demon girl bowed. "Name's Etna, serving as Ghost of Christmas Present! Sorry about that other sap. He won't be coming back."  
"Huh. So you're going to lead me around the city now and show me a bunch of sentimental crap to make me want to reform and lead a good and honest life, huh?"  
Etna shrugged. "Meh. I guess I SHOULD..." Then she grinned again. "But I dunno. We could use a guy like you down in the netherworld. I don't see any reason to mess that up."  
Ranma winced. "Well, I'D rather not go to Hell, if I can help it."  
"Pft! 'Hell?' What an outdated load of bull!" The demoness insisted, planting her spear into the floor. "Look, the netherworld 'aint that bad. Ghosts just like to bitch and moan about it because they get picked on a lot and end up messing around with the living world to get away."  
The pigtailed lawyer scratched his head. "But, wait... in your netherworld, aren't sinners reincarnated into weak, humiliating forms only to get kicked around by the demons?"  
"That only happens to losers," Etna explained cheerfully. "You see, the afterlife puts you on the path you've taken in life. So people who are nice and happy all the time become an angel and spend all their time singing and spreading love and generally acting like imbeciles. People who like money and violence and sex go to a netherworld in which those things are available, where they start near the bottom of the power ladder and get to make their way on their own, just like in life. If you were a weak, cowardly loser in life, then you become a weak, cowardly, and usually explosive loser in death." She poked the lawyer in the chest with her spear. "I could see a guy like you, on the other hand, making it pretty far and racking up quite the harem in the netherworld."  
Ranma scratched his chin, then shrugged. "Well, that's all well and good I guess, but I still have an hour to kill until the next ghost gets here. So do you think you could go and do all the sentimental crap anyway?"  
Etna chuckled throatily, and her tail slinked around Ranma's leg. "Well, if you're bored, there are... other things we could do to kill an hour."  
Ranma winced and extracted his leg. "Uh, yeah... look, I don't sleep with kids."  
The pigtailed lawyer yelped and jumped to the side as the demoness' spear nearly impaled him through the pelvis.  
"I am NOT a kid!" Etna growled, her eyes glowing a bright yellow. "And I happen to be very sensitive about my body!"  
"A sensitive demon. Well that's just dandy," Ranma groused, kicking away the spear that had embedded itself in his desk. "I really wish you spirits would stop chopping up my furniture. It already had a divot from the knife and a hole from the arrow. This is genuine mahogany, you know."  
"Oh, stop your whining and get over here," Etna said irritably. "I've already been paid for this stupid trip, so I might as well do it."  
Ranma stepped close to her, and suddenly a pentagram encircled the both of them. Then there was a flash of light, and Ranma and Etna vanished.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ranma blinked rapidly as his vision adjusted to the bright flashes of light, and then took stock of his surroundings as he had learned to do right after the spectre's quick teleportations.  
"Hey, we're at the Kuno mansion!" Ranma said, amazed at how brightly the massive house was lit.  
Then he sweatdropped. "Wait a minute... is the house on fire?"  
"Sure looks like it," Etna said. "But I don't hear any sirens, and it doesn't look like anybody inside the house cares."  
Indeed, both astral travelers could hear the celebration within the mansion going full swing, complete with breaking glass and the occasional explosion. Sitting on the roof and roasting marshmallows in the slowly spreading blaze was Ryoga and Shampoo, with the latter clearly drunk and chatting endlessly to the wanderer, who was clearly ignoring her as he concentrated on his marshmallows.  
Ranma frowned at the pair, but then shrugged and moved through the shrubbery surrounding the mansion (only half of which was on fire) to get a better look at the festivities. Etna followed, looking quite pleased by the sight that surrounded her.

"YEEHA!!" Inu-Yasha screamed before downing a mug of liquor bigger than his head. At either side of him stood Sango and Ukyo, each one wearing what could only be called a bikini in function, as their design seemed more in line with that of rubber bands.  
Finishing the mug, he casually tossed it behind him, accidentally striking Dark Schneider in the head as he cuddled the two voluptuous brunettes against him.  
"HEY!! Who the hell did that?!" The dark mage snarled, whipping around from where he had been talking most of the Girls Bravo cast into a foursome.  
Inu-Yasha snorted and flipped the white-haired man off. "Eh, get over it, Schneider."  
"You asshole! I'll kill you!" The wizard shouted, his cape (which he still wore despite being in his bathing suit otherwise) billowing out behind him as he charged himself with power.  
The half-demon stepped away from the women he was escorting and made a show of drawing his sword. "Get outta here, you circus reject! I'll cut ya in half!"  
D.S. suddenly grinned. "That's quite a big sword. Overcompensate much?" Behind him, several of the unnaturally buxom girls giggled in delight.  
"Hey! You gonna let that jackass treat you like that?" Ukyo said angrily.  
Sango just snorted. "Inu-Yasha isn't compensating for ANYTHING. Besides, at least HE doesn't need a magic spell to get it up."  
"Woohoo! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Several spectators began to call out.  
Dark Schneider's eyes lit up with rage. "You... little... that spell is just for... I don't NEED to-screw it! **Fiery power blast of the damned**!"  
"**Wind scar**!"  
_KWAABOOOOM!!_

Ranma looked downcast as he watched the massive explosion consume another part of the mansion. "Aw, man... it looks like everyone's really having a lot of fun. I didn't know the parties were like this. I thought they were more... you know... 'peace and good will toward men' oriented."  
Etna shrugged. "To each his own, I guess. I wouldn't exactly call this gathering 'in the spirit of Christmas,' but it's what you miss out on when you decide to treat the holidays just like any other weekend."

Next to the pool, Naruto snapped his fingers as he laid back in the lounge chair and then pointed to Sasuke, who was passing by. "Hey buddy, could you get me a pop please? Thanks!"  
Sasuke's eye twitched as he stared at his fellow team member, who was chatting amiably with half a dozen impossibly busty Ninja girls ranging from Mai Shiranui to Taki to Kaede Nagase. "Get it yourself, dead last!"  
Naruto rolled his eyes and shrugged. "That's angst-boy for ya. Always has to be a pill, just to stand out." Then he grinned and tickled the underside of Kasumi's breasts. "Though I DO have a habit of 'finishing last,' if you know what I mean."  
Sasuke fought down the urge to vomit as the girls giggled and moved in closer and started to paw at him. "Stupid idiot, chatting away with those women like some sort of imbecile... what do they see in him?"  
A boy softly cleared his throat behind him. "Why, are you lonely?"  
Sasuke's eye twitched as he saw Heero Yui offering him a beer. "For the last time! I'M NOT GAY!!"  
Alucard, who had been passing by, winced slightly from the volume of Sasuke's proclamation, and then casually backhanded the Ninja into the pool.  
Sasuke was startled, but backflipped around before landing on the surface of the water as easily as if it were Earth. "Fool. What do you think yo-"  
_Blam!_ A moment later Sasuke was sinking into the water as a thick cloud of red started to spread through the pool.  
Alucard holstered his gun. "Hmph. Emo brats get on my nerves," the nosferatu mumbled as he continued along his way, a small horde of fangirls flowing behind him in constant worship.

Etna smiled happily. "Wow! You humans sure know how to party!"  
Ranma sweatdropped. "Well, not all of them are human, but yeah, this is way cooler than I thought." He sighed. "Maybe there really is something special about this time of year... look at what I could miss out on..." Then his eyebrow twitched. "Besides, if things continue like this, then Ryoga and Shampoo might end up," he shuddered, "**sleeping** together." Normally he didn't care if Shampoo slept around with other men - since he certainly slept around with other women - but Ryoga got around more than a sailor; who knows where he'd been!  
The demoness nodded. "Yup. Well, enough of the joyous stuff. Now to show you the depressing crap."  
Before Ranma could protest that he wanted to see the Kuno pinhata event before he left, the magic circle flashed underneath him, and he and Etna once again vanished from sight.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ranma, who was getting very used to teleportation by now, opened his eyes when he felt his feet touching solid ground again, and then opened his eyes.  
"This... This is..." Ranma sweatdropped along with Etna as he looked at the dozens of posters of Shampoo plastered all over the walls of the study they were in. "This is really creepy."  
"Three guesses whose house this is," the little demoness said, "and the first two don't count."  
The pigtailed lawyer nodded. "Well, it's either Mousse's place or the author's room, and since I'm supposed to be viewing a depressing loser..." Ranma frowned. "Well, that still doesn't narrow it down, but I'm still going to have to guess this is my boss's house."  
"Correct-a-mundo," Etna deadpanned, gesturing away from the study toward the French doors that lead into the dining room.  
Curiously, Ranma stepped through the doorway, blinking in shock as he saw Mousse sitting all alone at a huge hardwood dinner table while poking a fork into a microwave chicken pot pie.  
"Surprising, isn't it?" Etna mumbled, shaking her head. "The man who holds your career in the palm of his hand and provides your rent may see more zeroes on his paycheck, but look at this sap. He's miserable. He's lonely. He's bitter."  
"He's ALIVE!" Ranma finally growled out. "What the hell? His ghost just visited me earlier tonight whining about how tough the afterlife is! How can he be alive again?"  
Etna blinked in surprise, and then scratched her head. "Well, I... uh... I dunno."

Mousse sighed miserably as he swatted aside his pie. "Oh, Shampoo... why? Why do you spend every year in the arms of that womanizer Saotome? Don't I have everything I need to make you happy? Do I not have everything Ranma has, and MORE? Then WHY?!"

"Because you're an idiot!" Ranma snarled as he tried to kick the moping Amazon, only to stumble as his leg went right through his boss's chest without the slightest resistance.  
Etna chuckled. "This 'aint real Saotome. This is a projection of the near future. You can't hurt him any more than he can hurt you."  
"But he's supposed to be DEAD!" Ranma shouted. "Tell me, will Mousse survive?"  
Etna closed her eyes for a moment, as if meditating deeply. "I see... an empty chair... being periodically occupied. And a length of chain... flying at a pigtailed man's head at high speed."  
"Son of a bitch!" Ranma cursed.  
"Never mind that," Etna said, grabbing the lawyer by the arm. "My time here is almost up, and I don't make overtime. I'd kind of like to make Hitler's Holiday Hellraiser Bash before it's over."  
Ranma's eye twitched. "If you see that bastard Mousse there, stab him for me."  
"Will do!" The demoness said cheerfully before thrusting a palm at the cursed man, causing another pentagram to emerge below him.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ranma sighed wearily as he looked around at his new location, noticing that he was surrounded by a thick mist that seemed to surround him just a few feet from his body, creating a wall of smoky gray just out of reach.  
As he moved a few steps, the mist flowed about to adjust, parting before him as it swallowed the path he had traveled.  
"Okay... so now what?" Ranma mumbled, rubbing his chin.  
A cold chill was all the warning he got before the mist in front of him suddenly swept apart, revealing a tall figure in black, ragged robes.  
The pigtailed man gulped as he saw the large, twisted scythe the spectre carried. "Uh... hi. Ghost of Christmas Future, right? Charmed, I'm sure..."  
The spirit said nothing as it approached, the shadows of its hood completely concealing its face. Ranma stepped aside, and the imposing figure slowly raised an arm, its hand emerging from the black folds of its robe to point toward another area of diminishing fog.  
Ranma didn't notice what it was pointing at, because he was staring at the spirit's hand. It was... normal. Slim and tanned, with expertly manicured fingernails. Raising an eyebrow, he turned toward the spirit.  
The spectre turned its hooded face toward the lawyer, and pointed its arm again, clearly indicating that Ranma should be paying attention.  
Instead, Ranma's hand snaked up behind the figure and tugged off its hood.  
"Hey! You're not supposed to do that!" The woman within the robes shouted in surprise, ruining her spooky silence. She was tall and well-tanned all over, with long platinum hair and perfectly defined features. She also had several blue triangular marks on her face which Ranma likened to tattoos. Ranma couldn't see her body, as it was still concealed within the voluminous robes, but his imagination quickly ran wild with anticipation. There was something about this woman that just screamed "bombshell".  
"Sorry 'bout that. I was just curious," Ranma said, not looking sorry at all as he grinned.  
The woman frowned, and then shrugged. "Well, whatever. Since the mood is ruined anyway, my name is Urd, Ghost of Christmas Future and Goddess of Love."  
"Goddess, or ghost?" Ranma asked, stepping back and admiring the figure. "I'm gonna guess goddess."  
Urd smirked and poked him in the nose. "Flattery will get you nowhere, Saotome." Then she frowned. "I was going for the ghost of the past, since that's my usual territory, but ended up getting in an argument with my little sister about... uh..." She scratched her head. "Well, I can't really remember what we were fighting about originally, but since I'm here, I obviously won. I think."  
"Is your sister as gorgeous as you?" Ranma asked, slipping an arm around the spectre casually and leaning into her shoulder.  
Urd laughed. "Ha! As if! She's just a scrawny little kid!"  
The pigtailed lawyer grinned and held the woman a little tighter, feeling the contours of her body underneath her robe. "Well then, I lucked out, didn't I?"  
"Tut!" Urd pinched his hand playfully as she stepped away from him. "Didn't I say flattery would get you nowhere? Now come on, I have work to do, here."  
Ranma chuckled and backed off, but couldn't help but notice that the goddess had a certain sensual sway to her hips that wasn't there before. 'At least ONE of these spirits is hot and willing. I just might be able to salvage this night yet.'  
Urd "Tsked" and glanced back at him. "I can read your thoughts, you know."  
Ranma stopped short. Then he smirked. "Okay. What am I thinking now?"  
The goddess of love looked startled for a moment, and blinked repeatedly. "Well... we'll see," she said, her lips curving into a lustful smile. The she pointed again toward a patch of fog. "For now, look! Look upon your future!"

When the fog parted, rather than Ranma being teleported to a totally new area like before, he witnessed what appeared to be a small segment of a scene with several people in business suits gathered around a table.  
"Can you believe he's finally gone?" One man with an unusually rigid lightning-bolt mustache asked.  
"It's about time," another man whose head was, oddly enough, a simple wooden chair, said. "It was absurd the way he conducted his trials! Preposterous!"  
A third man with a prominent afro shrugged. "Well, he's dead as a doornail now. And did you hear how he went? Woo-HEE!"  
The fourth figure, a woman with long green hair and a very pronounced figure smirked as she lifted a cup of tea to her lips. "A fitting death for the scoundrel. Hardly as... terrible as I would have hoped, but fitting."  
There was complete silence for a moment as the emerald-haired woman sipped her tea. Finally, one of the men cleared his throat.  
"Say... speaking of those who've passed beyond this mortal coil... well, how to put this..."  
"Aren't you dead?" Said the fellow with a chair for a head.  
The only woman present smiled mysteriously. "Yes, I was. I was resurrected and later traveled back in time to the point after my death."  
"Right, right, that was the first time, though. What about later?"  
The green-haired beauty raised an eyebrow. "Well, obviously I must have been resurrected AGAIN and sent into the past..." then she frowned. "Wait, that doesn't sound right. No, I was resurrected in the past and then sent to the future. To be brought back to the past, of course." Then she put her teacup down. "No, no, now that I think about it, there was no resurrection this time. I think the princess was mad at me for helping a youma sue her. So then I'm actually my past self sent to the future before being sent back to the past to be killed."  
She hesitated for a few seconds. "Which is quite wasteful when you think about it."  
The man with an afro shook his head. "Man, I HATE time travel."

Ranma fumed as stared at the gathering. "Damn it! Why won't the dead stay dead already? It's accepting this kind of bullshit that lets creeps like Al pass the bar exam, you know."  
Urd smirked and ruffled the man's hair. "Aw, don't let it get ya down. The afterlife is more complicated than most people think."  
The pigtailed man snorted in disgust, though he didn't pass up the opportunity to loop an arm around the sexy goddess's waist again. "So who're they talking about, anyway? They make him out to be a creep, but knowing these losers, he must be a prince of a guy."  
Urd's smirk turned into a much more solemn smile. "Well, some people think so." Then she raised a hand and pointed off to the side.  
Ranma blinked as another bank of fog parted. "Sh-Shampoo?"

The Amazon beauty was sobbing relentlessly while clutching the leg of Ranma's solid gold evangelion statue, the dark wet spot on the carpet testimony to the time she had spent in this state of grief.  
After nearly a minute of the heart-wrenching scene, the door to the office burst open, and Mousse came charging in (still quite alive, much to Ranma's chagrin) while looking inappropriately pleased.  
"Shampoo! Have you heard? Isn't it wonderful? He's dead! He's finally dead! It's just you and me! We can finally be together!" Typical of Mousse, he had passed right by Shampoo and was searching left and right in Ranma's office for any sign his beloved.  
Shampoo had spent quite some time doing office work instead of acting as a warrior. So when she slowly rose up from the floor behind the bespectacled Amazon, it was no great surprise to see that she was holding a letter opener and a stapler instead of a scimitar or bonbori.  
It did, however, make the scene that followed far too gruesome to describe in detail.

Ranma quickly turned away from the scene of violence, noting that his escort had already averted her eyes. "So... uh... I'll be honest. I'm pretty sure I know who died, here."  
Urd nodded sadly, and then pointed to another bank of fog, which dissolved to reveal a gravestone.  
The pigtailed lawyer sighed as he read his own name carved into the piece of rock. "Yup. I saw this coming." Then he frowned. "Wait a minute... I'm going to die in 2008? What the hell?" He turned toward Urd. "That's ridiculous! How do I die? Do I take on another case for a mob boss and lose? Do I piss of Judge Frieza? How do I have less than two years to live?"  
Urd cleared her throat meaningfully, trying to keep a straight face. "You know the intern on the second floor who keeps hitting on you? The crazy fighter ditz?"  
Ranma nodded slowly. "You mean Hakufu? The one with the obscenely huge boobs?" He was quite fond of cleavage, but the girl's volleyball-sized mammaries were nothing short of inhuman.  
"Yeah, her. You finally decide to, well... 'try her out' would be the term you used. Will use. Whatever."  
He nodded again. "Okay. And, what, does she have some horrible STD or something?"  
Urd grimaced. "She ends up smothering you in her cleavage."  
There was a long, awkward silence as Urd and Ranma stared at each other, each looking quite uncomfortable with the revelation.  
"Wow. Just... wow." Ranma murmured. "I mean... I'm not gonna lie to ya; when I finally die, that's the way I wanna go, but... geez! 2008?"  
"Yeah. Well, that's pretty much all I have to show you," Urd shrugged apologetically.  
Ranma frowned at that, then shook his head. "Wait. Wait a minute." He scrubbed his hair with his hand in frustration. "I don't get this. First spirit comes, and she gives me a long lecture about how corrupt I've become, and shows me how I began my slow spiral down into the dark side or whatever. Second spirit not only says that the consequences for my actions in the afterlife aren't so bad, but also tells me that I should indulge myself whenever possible and enjoy life to the fullest, even if - or perhaps especially if - it means being violent and lecherous. Now YOU come along and show me that a bunch of bastards who have every reason to hate me are glad when I die, that my secretary/lover is sad when I die, and tell me how it happens so that I can avoid dying in the first place."  
He shook his head violently and looked up at the goddess. "I don't get it! What are you people trying to tell me? How should I change? Should I change at all, or just take greater advantage of the joys of life when they're presented to me? Or is this all about enjoying Christmas? What's the message here?"  
Urd sweatdropped. After a few seconds of silence, more sweatdrops joined it. "I... uh... don't really know."  
Ranma resisted the urge to facefault. "You don't know. You, whose job it is show me visions to teach me a lesson, have no idea what the lesson is that I'm supposed to learn."  
The goddess winced. "Well... yeah. That's pretty much it." She squirmed under the lawyer's gaze for a moment. "Well, don't get mad at ME. I'm only here because I lost a bet!"  
"Won a bet."  
"Whatever!" Urd said dismissively. "I got roped into this. All I know about this mess is that I'm supposed to show the reactions around your death."  
"Well, that's just great," Ranma grumbled. "Well, then there's only one thing to do to keep all this from being a complete waste of time."  
"Really? And what's thaaAAMNPH!" Urd was cut off as Ranma picked her up into his arms before kissing her passionately (and idly kicking away the scythe she was carrying well out of reach).  
After a long moment of exploring the spirit's mouth with his tongue, Ranma broke the kiss and stared into her eyes. "Well, you said flattery didn't do it for ya. How's this?"  
Urd spent a few seconds gasping for air, and then nodded approvingly. "This is good. Let's do more of that." Grabbing the man by the back of the head, she pressed their lips together with an almost desperate passion, and hooked her foot behind his in order to force both of them onto the ground.  
As they tumbled down to the... nondescript surface below, the mist suddenly breached whatever barrier kept it away from the pair and completely enveloped them.  
A few seconds later the mist was disturbed slightly as a black robe suddenly went flying through the air. It was soon followed by a suit jacket, a collared shirt, a brassiere, and a pair of pants.  
"OH YES!! Right there! Harder! HARDER!!"  
"Oof! Whoa! Easy there! 'Love goddess' indeed!"  
"You have better things to do with your tongue than talk! Off with the boxers, Saotome!"  
"Oh, HELL yeah!"

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Mmph? Huhn?"  
Ranma stirred slowly as rays of light poured into his eyes from between the blinds in his office, and he turned his head to the side to avoid them.  
Then his eyes snapped open. "What? What in the..."  
Shaking himself awake, Ranma sat up in his office chair, blinking repeatedly. "I'm... I'm back? I'm back! I was asleep?"  
Scrubbing his head with his hand, Ranma frowned. "Wait... was it... all a dream?" He wondered, falling back onto the backrest and shivering slightly at the feeling of the cool Italian leather against his skin.  
He blinked. He then blinked again and looked down. "Huh. I'm naked."  
Acting on a hunch, he looked around the back of his chair, and noted that a gorgeous, well-bronzed, and also naked woman was sprawled out on the floor behind his office chair with a ragged black cloak laying across her lower torso as a makeshift blanket.  
"Well, that rules out dream," Ranma mumbled, searching for any sign of his clothes as the goddess stirred. "But then... that means..." his eyes widened. "It's Christmas day! I'm back! I'm really back!"  
"Ya sure are," Urd said sleepily as she stood up, either not noticing or not caring when the cloak slipped off of her and left her body gloriously exposed. "Welcome back to reality, hon. Or as close as your life ever gets to it. Good work last night, by the way. You got any coffee? We didn't get much sleep."  
Ranma shook his head to snap himself out of the stupor caused from staring at Urd's naked body (and the memories of what she could do with it) and then pointed out into the hall. "Try the break room; go right out that door and to the right. It's the second door on the left."  
"Thanks." She began to leave, then hesitated as she noticed the effect she was having on the pigtailed man. She pointed at his prominent erection, smiling lazily. "Actually, you want me to take care of that first?"  
"Tempting. Very, VERY tempting," Ranma admitted, rubbing his chin, "but I have some things I need to get to right away. Besides, you worked hard enough last night. Go relax."  
Nodding dazedly, the goddess of the past turned and left the room as Ranma picked up his phone and started thumbing through the company directory.  
"Sonsaku... Sonsaku... Sonsaku Hakufu... Ah! Here we are!" Idly opening another drawer where he kept his spare set of street clothes (in case his normal set got wet, or if Shampoo got overzealous in undressing him), he dialed the number with his other hand.  
"Hmm, hmm, mm-mm... Ah! Hello! Sonsaku! Hi, it's Ranma Saotome! Yes, hi. Merry Christmas to you too," the pigtailed lawyer said cheerfully. "Look, I was just thumbing through my black book and I found your name, so I thought I'd give you a ring. Uh huh. Not exactly. No, no, nothing like that." Then he grinned. "You're fired, Sonsaku. Yes. Right. Yes, today. On Christmas. Deal with it." He leaned back in his chair, pulling on his boxers while holding the receiver between his cheek and shoulder. "Yes, I do have the authority to fire you. It doesn't matter. Mousse is dead. No, I don't know exactly when he died, but I'm definitely working on that." He rolled his eyes. "God, you're a whiner. Like I said, he's either dead or he will be soon. Tell it to someone who cares." He slammed the phone down with one hand while yanking his pants up with the other, and then pounded a fist against his chest.  
"I feel great! This is a new day! A new opportunity!" He grinned brightly. "And I'm not gonna waste it. Never again. If there's one lesson I can take from that whole ridiculous fiasco, it's that you really don't know when you could just wind up dead some day, so one should take every opportunity to enjoy oneself!" Quickly putting on a shirt, the cursed lawyer skipped out the door into the hallway, the very picture of glee.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mousse sighed as he stared up at Shampoo's condominium, a fairly large, though relatively light parcel in his hand wrapped in shiny purple gift wrapping.  
"Oh, Shampoo," the myopic Amazon mumbled. "Why do I even bother? I know what's going to happen. You'll take my present, thank me politely, and then lock me out before I even have a chance to put my foot in the door." That wasn't entirely true, as he was fast enough to place his foot in the proper position easily while she was snatching the gift away, but the one year he had tried that had ended with his leg in a cast for weeks, and a letter from Shampoo asking to him to replace her door.  
"This is all Saotome's fault," the near-sighted man growled, curling his hand into a fist. "Why do I allow it? I know what goes on behind those doors, and yet... and YET-"  
"Hey boss!" Ranma suddenly shouted out behind him, causing the male Amazon to jump in surprise.  
"What? S-Saotome?" Mousse stuttered. "Why are you... wait... you're here to seduce Shampoo, aren't you?" The Chinese man growled.  
"Maybe later," Ranma admitted, sidling up next to his employer while patting him on the back. "More importantly, I found out something last night. You don't have any holiday plans, do you?"  
Mousse blinked. "Well... it's not that I don't have any plans, but-"  
"Spare me the excuses," the pigtailed man said bluntly. "You were going to spend Christmas day like you spend EVERY day: all alone in your big house moaning in self-pity and probably doing dirty things to yourself while staring at pictures of my secretary." He pressed on as Mousse started sputtering incoherently. "Well, I'm not gonna let that happen. Not this year. Nobody deserves that kind of misery, not even you."  
Mousse stared at his employee, his mouth agape. "Wait... so... you mean... you're inviting me to-"  
"Whatever you're thinking, it's probably wrong," Ranma admitted, taking hold of the gift Mousse was clutching to his chest. "Let me hold this for a sec."  
The myopic Amazon blinked. "Huh? Why are you-"  
Before he could complete that sentence, Ranma kicked him out into the street.  
"Oof!" Mousse shouted, landing badly on his shoulder. "Damn you Ranma! I'll-" _HOOONK! HOOOOOOOONK!_  
A bellowing horn interrupted his cry of vengeance, and the Chinese man was suddenly aware that Ranma had timed his blow to place him rather inconveniently in the path of an eighteen-wheeler. _CRUNCH!_

Ranma watched solemnly as the truck passed by, completely ignoring the droplets of blood that now sprinkled his pants and the present in his hands. "If you're going to haunt me, you'd damn well better be dead first!" He shouted after the vehicle.  
After that, he took out a pen, scratched out Mousse's name on the gift tag, and wrote his own above it. Smiling broadly, he then walked up to Shampoo's front door and knocked.  
A few moments later, the Amazon beauty opened her door cautiously (as she was expecting Mousse), and was pleasantly surprised to see her lover standing there instead.  
"Merry Christmas, Shamps!" The pigtailed lawyer said cheerfully, quickly stepping in and giving her a peck on the lips. "I thought it over, and decided I WILL go to that party tonight! Thanks for inviting me!"  
"R-Ranma!" Shampoo said, almost swooning in bliss. Then she noticed the present and her smile brightened even more. "You bring present for Shampoo?"  
"I sure did!" Ranma said happily, thrusting out the gift toward her. "Aren't I thoughtful?"  
Shampoo nodded, though she hesitated for a moment. "Why wrapping paper have blood on it?"  
"Er..." Ranma sweatdropped. "It was... just really vicious trying to get this thing down at Wal-Mart. Or, you know, wherever I got it. The holiday crowds can get really violent."  
The violet-haired woman easily accepted the ridiculous explanation, and tore the wrapping open before opening up the box within. "Aiyah! These very rare Chinese herb! How you know Shampoo want?" She asked with genuine curiosity. She really couldn't imagine how Ranma knew she had wanted several exotic plants from the Tibetan mountains, much less how to actually get them.  
"Oh Shampoo, Shampoo," Ranma said condescendingly, reaching around her back and squeezing her close. "Don't you worry about that. Isn't the important thing that you got what you want, and that you feel, really, really grateful to me?"  
Shampoo wasn't very good at expressing herself in words at all, so decided to show her appreciation by jabbing her tongue down his throat and pressing his hand tightly against her bosom.  
After a few seconds of frenzied kisses and groping, she yanked him inside her home, and slammed the door behind her.

About a minute later, the front door to her condo opened up again, and Ranma (now clad only in boxers and sporting lipstick marks over most of his body) dragged a certain panda bear outside before tossing him onto the bloodied sidewalk. "Get out, Pop! What the hell are you doing here, anyway?"  
Genma sniffled and raised a sign up into the air. I have nowhere else to go...  
Rolling his eyes, Ranma quickly dashed back inside, slamming the door behind him.  
Genma sat up and flipped his sign around. God bless us! Everyone!  
Then he flipped it around again. Merry Christmas!


End file.
